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I thought about it. “My immediate answer is to end it. As I said before, what the Chosen go through before they are brought to Iliseeum is bad enough. But you said it wasn’t always that way.” I lifted my gaze to him. “Right?”
“Right,” he confirmed. “When my father ruled, the Chosen were not prevented from interacting with others, and they only went to the Temples the year of their Ascension, where they were taught the customs of Iliseeum.”
Customs of Iliseeum? I hadn’t really seen any of them, but I figured they were something else that went out the window during Kolis’s reign. “You also said that the purpose of bringing in the Chosen and Ascending them to godhood was to ensure there were always gods serving in each Court that remembered what it was like to be mortal.”
Ash nodded.
“And that is necessary.” I folded an arm across my now-unsettled stomach. “So, I think I would continue with the Rite, but only if the third sons and daughters choose to be Ascended.” A thread of excitement wove its way through me. “Like they would have until the year they would’ve entered the Temples under your father’s rule to decide if that is what they want.”
“Okay.”
“And they could change their minds at any time,” I added. “Well, up until the point they Ascend—wait.” My eyes widened. “That means I would have to Ascend them.”
“It does.”
“Do you know how your father Ascended them?” I asked, wondering if what Kolis had said was true.
“The same way I Ascended you,” he answered.
Another thing Kolis hadn’t lied about.
“As for the Rite, that’s how I thought you would answer,” Ash said. “That is also why I know you will do right by Iliseeum and the mortal realm,” he said. “I will not be the only one who sees this.”
I nodded slowly, my heart thumping. Perhaps now that there was a true Primal of Life, the other Primals would be more likely to end their support of Kolis.
His gaze flickered over my face. “But you have to see it, too.”
Gods. I wanted to believe that, as well as everything else he’d said, but it was hard. And I spent far too many years feeling like a disappointment to my family. It’d become what I expected. I wanted to have the kind of faith in myself that Ash had in me. I needed to try, though. If I didn’t, I would mess up.
I would be that monster.
“Liessa,” Ash called softly.
I turned my head toward him. “I know you said I shouldn’t say this, but I’m going to anyway. Thank you.”
Ash sighed.
I fought a grin as I tucked my chin against my knees, but I could feel his gaze on me. He was worried, likely sensing that I didn’t carry the same level of faith in myself and wanted to push. It was time to change the subject. “This was an entirely too-serious conversation to have while naked. Good thing none of that matters. You know what does?” I latched onto the first non-related thing that popped into my mind.
“I have a feeling whatever you’re about to say won’t matter more than what I have to say,” he replied.
“That’s rude. And you’re also wrong.”
“Prove it.”
“Your cock.”
Ash leaned away, his mouth open, though he was clearly at a loss for how to respond.
“It’s bigger when you’re in your Primal form,” I continued.
He blinked. “Is it? I never noticed.”
“Really?” I replied dryly. “It’s noticeably bigger, Ash. There’s no need for modesty.”
He chuckled, and I started to relax the moment I heard it. “Now I’m curious as to which cock you prefer.”
“I don’t know,” I teased, unfurling my legs. “I’ll have to think about that before I make up my mind.”
“You can do that.” Ash’s hand landed on my side, then slid to my hip. His gaze followed. His grip firmed. “But I have a better idea.”
“And what is that?”
Ash shifted onto his back and lifted me so I straddled him. “I can help you make up your mind.”
I gasped, feeling him harden beneath me. And then he helped. Or at least he tried. There was no choosing between his two forms.
Both were perfect.
I stood alone, eyes closed, taking in the silence of the bathing chamber after cleaning myself in the water Ash had reheated.
As determined as I was to be responsible, I had failed gloriously. Ash and I had spent most of the day in bed once again, and the only things we’d accomplished were sleeping and sex. The sky had darkened before we finally decided to get it together.
Ash had left to find some food—thank the gods. I was starving. Not much time had passed, but he hadn’t yet returned. I figured that whoever was currently present in the House of Haides wanted to know what had happened overnight and hear from Ash himself that I was not only awake but also fully aware of who I was.
Which was Seraphena Mierel, daughter of King Lamont and Queen Calliphe. A once-u
A wife.
The Queen.
And the true Primal of Life.
Kolis must be infuriated.
At the thought of the Primal of Death, red-hot anger pounded through me, mingling with the eather. Energy surged, crackling and hissing through my veins like lightning. The intensity of the power caused my breath to catch. I’d gotten used to the ebb and flow of eather, and even its intense force the handful of times I’d tapped into the essence of the Primals, but what I felt pulsing through me now was something else entirely. It was a storm of near-absolute power, hot and endless like the very sun itself. The air in the bathing chamber charged, causing my skin to hum. The rush of energy felt destructive, capable of creating true chaos if unleashed.
But I didn’t think the Primal of Life was meant to be a being of chaos and destruction, so I drew in a deep breath and held it. I willed my heart to slow because far more dangerous, stifling emotions simmered beneath the fury.
“I’m not there,” I reminded myself, gripping the edge of the vanity. “I’m not Kolis’s willing prisoner any longer. I will never be that again.”
And dwelling on my time with Kolis—my time in Dalos—served no purpose when I needed to focus on figuring out what to do about the Primal of Death. He couldn’t be killed. Not without a god of his original Court to Ascend. And even though Ash carried embers of death, he didn’t count.
In the quiet, I searched the library of knowledge erected in my mind during stasis. There was so much information there—almost too much. Like I now fully understood why Ash and the other Primals and gods often fought with weapons instead of the Primal essence. Using that raw energy against one another impacted the realms, usually manifesting as severe weather events. The impact wasn’t always immediate, but whenever it was used against another, it would build and build until the realms could no longer contain the energy. The effect and consequences wouldn’t be as severe as Primals using it against one another, but there was still a price to be paid in blood.
And that was good to know. Obviously. But randomly realizing such things made it harder for me to focus on single items.
However, even if I could focus better, it wouldn’t matter. Nothing came to me. No weird feelings. No answers for how to stop Kolis without destroying the realms. Sudden knowledge didn’t simply pop into my head. There was just a void of humming whiteness and questions that only led to more confusion.
There had to be more to Eythos’s plan. He wouldn’t have risked the destruction of the realms by creating—albeit failing at—the only weapon that could kill Kolis without knowing something could be done about the embers of death.
But even if we figured out a way, it required using Sotoria. Again. And, gods, she deserved to be at peace. Not forced to be reborn yet again, only to be used as a tool with no autonomy. I’d lived that life, and I didn’t know if I could be a part of allowing another to do so. Especially someone who had already been forced to live far too many lives.
Kolis and what to do with Sotoria weren’t the only things I needed to figure out, though. I also needed to learn how to, well, act like an actual Queen and be the true Primal of Life.
To find the faith Ash had in me, within myself. To be better. Less monstrous and…knee-jerky.
And not do what I desperately wanted to do, which was find Ash and demand that we seize Dalos and lay waste to any Primal who stood against us—especially Kyn for what he had done to Ector, Orphine, Aios, and so many others.
Eather thrummed beneath the surface as I closed my eyes. I could do it, too. I could Ascend gods in their Courts to replace those who fell, ensuring minimal impact to the mortal realm. I could take control, releasing the Chosen and any draken Kolis had forced into servitude.
But that was the part of me I hadn’t slain talking.
Doing something like that would start a bloody war. I
And as the true Primal of Life, none of that should feel as right as it did.
But as Ash had said, there was no changing this. And he was right. I didn’t need intuition to tell me there would be no abdicating the throne. There would be no period of adjustment. This was my present and future, and there wasn’t time to pretend that my entire existence and that of the realms hadn’t changed—or freak out in a spiral of self-doubt.
So, I needed to be…well, less like the version of me who could lie as easily as I could kill. I couldn’t continue being the temperamental, anxiety-ridden mess I was. Sure, Ash accepted all of that, even the part where I had attempted to kill him. He accepted me. But this was bigger than me—than us. I had the gods to think of now. The draken. Mortals. I needed to be better.
And standing in a bathing chamber with my eyes closed while giving myself the worst pep talk in history wasn’t where I should have started.
Taking another deep breath, I opened my eyes. The first thing I saw was the golden swirl of the marriage imprint on the top of my right hand. The sight helped to calm me. I lifted my gaze to the mirror.
Oh, dear.
My hair was a nearly silver, pale-blond nightmare. Wet, tangled curls and waves fell past my shoulders, brushing the curve of my waist. I was so not looking forward to attempting to brush out the knots. My gaze shifted to my face. I looked the same as I had before: freckled, stubborn jaw, slightly pointy chin, arched brows. But the pallor and bruises I had while in Dalos were gone.
I lifted my upper lip to reveal two canines barely longer than before. Tentatively, I prodded at one of them with my tongue and immediately winced as I nicked it. They were definitely sharper, even if they were, at least according to Ash, small.