Binding 13

"Don’t do that," he said, voice low and gruff, keeping his hand on my arm.

I released a trembling breath, forcing my body not to spazz out from the contact, and asked, "Do what?"

"Block me out."

"Pot meet kettle," I snapped, turning my face away.

"You can't ignore me," Joh

I wasn’t laughing.

"Then rip it up," I told him, then yanked my arm free.

"Sha

"Leave me alone."

"Sha

"No."

"Look at me."

I folded my arms across my chest. "No."

Joh

"I said no!" I snapped. "You did this to me in your car and you're doing it again now. That's a pattern. I don’t like those kinds of patterns. So, no!"

Joh

Seconds later, I felt his hand on my neck as he leaned over my seat and pulled my body sideways to face him.

Stu

Joh

For the briefest of moments, I thought he was about to kiss me.

But he didn’t.

Of course, he didn’t.

Instead, he released a ragged breath, cupped the side of my neck, bringing me closer, and touched his cheek to mine.

Pressing his lips to my ear, in a voice barely more than a whisper, he said, "I'm scared, Sha

"Scared?"

I felt him nod, his stubbly cheek rubbing against mine.

"Of what?"

"You."

"Me?" My heart flipped in my chest. "Why?"

"What I told you that night?" he whispered, gently clutching the side of my neck with his huge hand. "All that shite about my surgery and how much pain I'm in? I'm furious with myself for losing my head and telling you something that can be used against me. I gave you power over me and now I'm fucking panicking, okay? I lost my cool with you in the car because you struck a nerve. Because you called me out on my bullshit. Because you were right."

"I was?"

He nodded and the movement caused his cheek to rub against mine.

"I'm not thick," he continued to whisper. "I know what I'm risking by playing, but I have everything riding on the next fifteen months – on my body holding out. It's my career," he told me, voice barely audible.

His words were coming so low and fast, mixed with a thickening Dublin accent, that it was a struggle to keep up.

"It’s my future, and I can't bear to watch it slip through my fingers. I've worked too hard to get to this position to let it all go. They're making me take a test, Sha

His lips brushed against my earlobe as he spoke.

It wasn’t an intentional move or remotely flirtatious, he was clearly agitated, but I still had to suppress a shiver at the contact.

"And you knowing all of this? Me telling you? Knowing that it could be held over me?" Joh

"Then why did you do it?" I asked, as a small shudder rolled down my spine.

Leaning back so that I could look at his face, I asked, "Why did you tell me?"

He looked so helpless as he shrugged.

"I've been asking myself the same question for a long time and I still don’t have an answer, Sha

I realized that I was witnessing a rare moment of vulnerability from Joh

Seeing him like this…so exposed and unguarded?

It did something to me.

Made me feel protective.

Like I needed to nurture him or something, which was insane because one look at the boy and it was obvious he didn’t need anyone's protection.

But I still felt it.

I watched him watch me for the longest moment, soaking in his defeated expression and the way he looked down at me almost hopefully, like I had the answers to all his questions.

I didn’t.

The right thing to do would be to comfort him with words of assurance.

I didn’t do that.

Instead, I whispered my truth.

"I don’t want you to play." Throwing caution to the wind and moving on instinct, I tucked my legs beneath me, shifted closer, and pressed my lips to his ear. "Not today, and not tomorrow. I don’t want you to go out there and put yourself in harm's way, Joh

"Sha

"Let me finish," I whispered.

He nodded stiffly.

Trembling, I reached up and cupped his jaw. "I meant it when I told you that I wouldn’t tell anyone."

I felt his body turn rigid, but I didn’t move away, the need to comfort him pushing me forward.

"I don’t agree with your choices," I croaked out. "But I respect that they are yours to make."

Something inside of this boy called to me.

I had no idea what that something was, but it made me brave.

It made me want to step out of my comfort zone and help him – even if helping him meant doing the wrong thing.

"I can keep a secret, Joh

With his hand still cupping the side of my neck, Joh

"I'm in so much pain, Sha

"It's not fucked up." My heart was hammering so hard against my ribcage that it was making my breathing come hard and fast. "It's okay."

"It's not okay," Joh

One moment, he had his face buried in my neck and the next he was gone.

"Fuck," Joh

Stu

"Is there any chance of you forgetting everything I just said?" he asked in a half-hearted tone, as he looked at me, eyes burning with desperation.

Unable to form words, I just stared back at him, shaking my head.