Class Dis-Mythed

Evad looked suspicious.

"I could do that," he said. "But such a small amount will not discharge my debt to the people of that village."

"Oh, I think it will," I said airily. "Here's my offer: I'd be willing to pay you the going rate for Manticore venom on Klah."

"There is no Manticore venom on Klah, so far as I know," Bee said. "I would have heard about a weapon like that when I was in the army."

"That would make it pretty valuable, wouldn't it?" I asked i

"O Skeeve, if you would do that, I would be your servant for life!"

"Let's not go that far," I said hastily. "What about the deal?"

"Yes! I agree! Shall we drink on it?" Evad asked congenially. "Where is my bottle?"

"Maybe we should just shake hands," I suggested.

We hiked back into Humulus, Evad walking among us with his shaggy head bowed to show contrition.

"I don't get it," Melvine kept saying. "I mean, that thing is as big as a house, and you make friends with it? You had it where you wanted it, and you let it go? What if he suddenly goes crazy on us?" He glanced over his shoulder at the huge Manticore shuffling along in our wake.

"I think," Jinetta said tentatively, "that it is very impressive that Skeeve turned an enemy into an ally."

"Yeah, by paying him off!"

"No, by meeting mutual needs!" Tolk said, his pink tongue flapping happily as he ran beside us on all fours. "Wow, that's so cool! Skeeve, you're brilliant!"

"How did you think of doing that?" Pologne asked.

"It's something we did a lot when I was with M.Y.T.H., Inc.," I explained. "A win-win deal leaves everyone happy."

"Why bother with a win-win? You had a savage killer at your mercy. He was helpless! You could have gotten much more out of him than you did."

"Look," I explained. "I don't need more than a couple of vials' worth of venom right now. If I do, I know where to find him. I don't want a slave. He needs the money. Everyone gets what they want, right?"

"Not exactly," Freezia said, looking ahead. I peered into the distance.

Neither my sight nor my hearing was as keen as the Pervects', but within a few steps I could make out the citizens of Humulus huddled together just inside their village gate. They were chanting.

"Kill the monster! Kill the monster! Kill the monster!"

We hiked closer, and I could see the villagers' faces change from anger to astonishment, and slide right over into fear. They hoisted their weapons still further, and their voices became more shrill.

"Kill the monsters! Kill the monsters! Kill the monsters!"

"Master Skeeve," Bee said, "I think we forgot one little thing."

"We did," I groaned. "No one remembered to put their disguise spells back on, did they?"

A quick glance around revealed the awful truth.

"No, sir," Bee confirmed.

"Nor I," said Jinetta.

"Or us," the other two Pervects chimed in.

"How about we run away, right now?" Melvine asked as the villagers began to move towards us.

"Bowmen!" Flink's voice rose above the others. "Prepare to fire!"

"No!" Bu

"I don't think we're going to get the chance," I said hastily. "Let's take it on the offensive. Everyone remember their levitation spells? Grab arrows first. Next, whatever other weapons they point at you. After that, we may have to raise a few people's consciousnesses. Let's go."

I squared my shoulders and marched forward. It took the others a moment to catch on, but Bee double-timed it to parade at my shoulder. Tolk trotted up, showing his teeth ferociously. Gleep led the way, lashing his tail and spewing out a stream of fire nearly two feet long, not bad for a baby dragon. The Pervects minced along behind, their dainty steps out of context—to my fellow Klahds—with the green scaly faces and long teeth. I meant to play on that disparity. But first, I had to disarm our employers before they killed someone.

"Fire!" shrieked Flink.

The first flight of arrows came winging at us. I waved an imperious hand, not so impressive since I was now ordinary Skeeve, all blond hair, blue eyes and lanky build, but with a full tank of magik to draw upon it was no trouble to send the bolts flying on over our heads. They thudded into the road behind us, raising a cloud of dust.

"Is that all you've got?" I shouted.

A few brave souls hoisted homemade spears and prepared to throw.

"Ladies?" I said.

"Oh, let me!" Pologne piped up.

"No, you got to taunt the Manticore," Jinetta said. "It's my turn!"

"Someone do it," I gritted as the villagers let fly.

Jinetta sashayed out from our ranks and held out her hands. The makeshift spears halted in mid-air and began to whirl, describing complicated patterns.

"I was in marching band in secondary school," she explained to me cheerfully over her shoulder. The spears fell into her outstretched palms, and she sent them flying again. "I was the best baton twirler in Sangafroid! I still remember the fight song! 'Fight on for dear Sangafroid! Kill the other team! Rip their heads off/ For dear old Sangafroid!'" she warbled. She caught the spears deftly in each hand and did a back flip, landing on one knee. "Ta-daaaa!"

"Brava!" I called, breaking into applause. My apprentices and Evad joined in.

The villagers didn't. They broke into a run, heading back towards the gate. Jinetta looked disappointed.

"Freezia, you were very good at the retrieval spell," I said. "Can you find the catch that holds up that portcullis and release it?"

"Oh, yes, Master Skeeve!" the petite Pervect exclaimed. She went through a series of complicated gestures then pulled one hand back as if yanking a lever.

The big gate came crashing down, just as the villagers reached it. The first ones there slammed into it, and the following waves of people piled into them. I strolled up to Flink, who was at the back of the group with his archers. I leaned forward and smiled.

"Hi."

He jumped about three feet backwards, stumbling into the beleaguered bowmen. Then, recovering his dignity, he pulled down his tunic and thrust out his chin. "You have us trapped, wizard, but we will fight for our lives against your cohort of monsters."

"Monsters?" I asked i

I whisked my hand, and all of the students assumed their disguises. I became the imperious Skeeve the Great once again and Gleep turned back into a goat. The villagers relaxed.

Flink swallowed. "You must admit their appearance was very convincing, er, wizard."

"Of course they are," I said calmly. "I am the best."

"You mean, this gorgeous girl is really a hideous hag?" asked one of the men holding Bu

"You're no prize yourself," Bu

"It certainly is," I said. "Behold! We have captured the Manticore!" I waved him forward. "Evad!"

The Manticore shuffled up to us, his cap in his hands. "Me sorry," he said, in the Klahdish I'd taught him on the way up the road. Close, but no Norelco shaver.

"Captured?" Flink roared. "Why didn't you kill it?"

Behind him, the townsfolk began to chant again. "Kill the monster! Kill the monster!"

Evad looked alarmed.

"That was not in our contract," I said coldly. "Norb brought us here to rid your town of the intruder. He didn't say anything about killing."