Mything Persons

fact that it was my work that helped earn us our current

residence. We live here rent-free courtesy of the Devan

Merchants Association as partial payment for a little

job we did for them a while back. That's also how I got

my bodyguards ... but that's another story,

Devan Merchants Association, you ask? Okay. For

the uninitiated, I'll go over this just once. The dimen-

sion I'm currently residing in is Deva, home of the

shrewdest deal-drivers in all the known dimensions. You

may have heard of them. In my own home dimension

they were called devils, but I have since learned the

proper pronunciation is Deveels. Anyway, my gracious

living quarters are the result of my partner and I beating

the Deveels at their own game ... which is to say we got

the better of them in a deal. Don't tell anyone, though.

It would ruin their reputation and maybe even cost me a

cushy spot. You see, they still don't know they've been

had.

Anyway, where was I? Oh, yes. Heading for the of-;

fices. Normally after sneaking out 1 would stop by the

stables to share breakfast with Gleep, but with a crisis

on my hands I decided to forgo the pleasure of my pet's

MYTH-ING PERSONS 7

company and get to work. Gleep. He's the dragon

Aliman was talking about... and I'm not going to try

to condense that story. It's just too complicated.

Long before I reached the offices I could hear their

voices raised in their favorite "song." The lyrics

changed from time to time, but I knew the melody by

heart.

"Incompetent bungler!"

"Who are you calling an incomplete bungler?"

"I stand corrected. You are a complete bungler!"

"You better watch your mouth! Even if you are the

boss's partner, one more word and I'll...."

"You'll what? If you threw a punch the safest place

to be would be where you're aiming."

"Izzatso?"

It sounded like I had arrived in the nick of time. Tak-

ing a deep breath, I casually strolled into the teeth of the

fracas.

"Hi, guys." I pretended to be totally unaware of

what was going on. "Anyone want a bagel?"

"No, I don't want a bagel!" came the sneering re-

sponse from one combatant. "What I want is some de-

cent help."

"... and while you're at it see what you can do about

getting me a little respect!" the other countered.

The latter comment came from Guido, senior of my

two bodyguards. If anything, he's bigger and nastier

than his cousin Nunzio.

The former contribution came from Aahz. Aahz is

my partner. He's also a demon, a Pervect to be exact,

and even though he's slightly shorter than I am, he's

easily twice as nasty as my two bodyguards put together.

My strategy had worked in that I now had their an-

noyance focused on me instead of each other. Now,

realizing the potential devastation of their respective

8 Robert Asprin

temperaments individually, much less collectively, I had

cause to doubt the wisdom of my strategy.

"What seems to be the trouble?"

"The trouble," Aahz snarled, "is that your ace ;

bodyguard here just lost us a couple of clients."

My heart sank. I mentioned earlier that Aahz and I

have more money than we know what to do with, but

old habits die hard. Aahz is the tightest being I've ever

met when it comes to money, and, living at the Bazaar |

at Deva, that's saying something! If Guido had really :

lost a potential customer, we'd be hearing about it for a i

long time. I

"Ease up a minute, partner," I said more to stall for

time than anything else. "I just got here, remember?

Could you fill me in on a few of the details?"

Aahz favored Guido with one more dark stare. I

"There's not all that much to tell," he said. "I was in

the middle of breakfast..."

"He was drinking another meal," Guido translated

scornfully.

"... when mush-f or-brains here bellows up that there

are some customers waiting downstairs in reception. I

called back that I'd be down in a few, then finished my

meal."

"He kept them waiting at least half an hour. You

can't expect customers to...."

"Guido, could you hold the editorial asides for one

round? Please?" I interceded before Aahz could go for

him. "I'm still trying to get a rough idea of what hap-

pened, remember? Okay, Aahz. You were saying?"

Aahz took a deep breath, then resumed his account.

"Anyway, when I got downstairs, the customers were

nowhere to be seen. You'd think your man here would

be able to stall them or at least have the sense to call for

reinforcements if they started getting twitchy."

MYTH-ING PERSONS

"C'mon, Aahz. Guido is supposed to be a body-

guard, not a receptionist. If some customers got tired of

waiting for you to show up and left, I don't see where

you can dodge the blame by shifting it to...."

"Wait a minute. Boss. You're missing the point.

They didn't leave!"

"Come again?"

"I left 'em there in the reception room, and the next

thing I know Mr. Mouth here is hollerin' at me for los-

ing customers. They never came out! Now, like you say,

I'm supposed to be a bodyguard. By my figuring we've

got some extra people wandering the premises, and all

this slob wants to do is yell about whose fault it is."

"I know whose fault it is," Aahz said with a glare.

"There are only two ways out of that reception room,

and they didn't come past me!"

"Well they didn't come past me!" Guido countered.

I started to get a very cold feeling in my stomach.

"Aahz, "I said softly.

"If you think I don't know when...."

"AAHZ!"

That brought him up short. He turned to me with an

angry retort on his lips, then he saw my expression.

"What is it, Skeeve? You look as if...."

"There are more than two ways out of that room."

We stared at each other in stu

moments, then we both sprinted for the reception room,

leaving Guido to trail along behind.

The room we had selected for our reception area was

one of the largest in the place, and the only large room

with easy access from the front door. It was furnished in

a style lavish enough to impress even those customers

spoiled by the wonders of the Bazaar who were expect-

ing to see the home office of a successful magician.

There was only one problem with it, and that was the

10

Robert Asprin

focus of our attention as we dashed in.

The only decoration that we had kept from the previ-

ous owners was an ornate tapestry hanging on the north

wall. Usually I'm faster than Aahz, but this time he beat

me to the hanging, sweeping it aside with his arm to re-

veal a heavy door behind it.

Our worst fears were realized.

The door was unlocked and standing ajar.