Mything Persons

Chapter Eight:

"First, let's decide who's leading and

who's following."

—F. ASTAIRE

"BOSS, just where the hell is Pahkipsee?"

I found myself wondering if all bodyguards spent

most of their time complaining, or if I had just gotten

lucky.

"Look, Guido. You were there and heard the same

instructions I did. If Vilhelm was right, it should be just

up the road here a couple more miles."

"... 'a rather dead bedroom community, fit only for

those not up to the fast-lane life-style of the big city,' "

Massha quoted in a close imitation of the vampire's

voice.

Guido snickered rudely.

"Why do I get the feeling you didn't particularly

warm to Vilhelm, Massha?" I suppressed a grin of my

own.

"Maybe it's because he's the only guy we've met she

hasn't made a pass at?" Guido suggested.

Massha favored him with an extended tongue and

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66 Robert Asprin

crossed eyes before answering.

"Oh, Vilhelm's okay," she said. "Kinda cute, too

... at least the top of his head was. And he did admit

that in general vampires were more partial to cities and

parties while werewolves preferred the back-to-nature

atmosphere of rural living. I just didn't like the crack,

that's all. I grew up on a farm, you know. Country

breakfasts have a lot to do with my current panoramic

physique. Besides, something inside says you shouldn't

trust a smiling vampire. ... or at least you shouldn't

trust him too far."

I had been about to mention the fact that I had grown

up on a farm, too, but withheld the information. Obvi-

ously, farm food hadn't particularly affected my phy-

sique, and I didn't want to rob my apprentice of her

excuse.

"If he had wanted to do us harm, all he would have

had to do was blow the whistle on us while we were still

in town," I pointed out. "Let's just take things at face

value and assume he was really being as nice as he

seemed ... for all our peace of minds."

I wished I was as confident as I sounded. We were a

long way out in the boondocks, and if Vilhelm had

wanted to send us off on a wild goose chase, he couldn't

have picked a better direction to start us off in.

"Yeah, well I'd feel a lot better if we weren't being

followed," Guido grumbled.

I stopped in my tracks. So did Massha ... in her

tracks, that is. The bodyguard managed to stumble into

us before bringing his own forward progress to a halt.

"What is it, Boss? Something wrong?"

"For a minute there, I thought I heard you say that

we were being followed."

"Yeah. Since we left the Dispatcher's. Why does. ..

you mean you didn't know?"

MYTH-ING PERSONS 67

I resisted an impulse to throttle him.

"No, Guido. I didn't know. You see, my bodyguard

didn't tell me. He was too busy complaining about the

road conditions to have time to mention anything as

trivial as someone following us."

Guido took a few shaky steps backward.

"Hey! C'mon, Boss. Don't be like that. I thought

you knew! Honest. Whoever's back there isn't doin'

such a hot job of hiding the fact that they're dogging

our trail. Any idiot could've spotted ... I mean...."

"Keep going, Dark and Deadly," Massha urged.

"You're digging yourself in further with every word, in

case you hadn't noticed."

With great effort I brought myself back under con-

trol.

"Whatever," I said. "I don't suppose you have any

idea who it is?"

"Naw. There's only one of 'em. Unless...."

His voice trailed off into silence and he looked sud-

denly worried.

"Out with it, Guido. Unless what?"

"Well, sometimes when you're getting really tricky

about tailing someone, you put one real clumsy punk

out front so's they can be spotted while you keep your

real ace-hitter hidden. I hadn't stopped to think of that

before. This turkey behind us could be a decoy, know

what I mean?"

"I thought you used decoys for ducks, not turkeys,"

Massha scowled.

"Well, if that's what's happening, then we're sitting

ducks, if it makes you feel any better."

"Could both of you just be quiet for a few minutes

and let me think?" I said, suddenly impatient with their

banter.

"Well, maybe it isn't so bad," Guido said in a doubt-

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MYTH-ING PERSONS 69

Robert Asprin

ful voice. "I'm pretty sure I would have spotted the

back-up team if there was one."

"Oh sure," Massha sneered. "Coming out of a town

full of vampires that can change themselves into mist

whenever they want. Of course you'd spot them."

"Hey. The Boss here can chew on me if he wants, but

I don't have to take that from you. You didn't even spot

the turkey, remember?"

"The only turkey I can see is... ."

"Enough!" I ordered, having arrived at a decision

despite their lack of cooperation. "We have to find out

for sure who's behind us and what they want. This is as

good a place as any, so I suggest we all retire into the

bushes and wait for our shadow to catch up with us. ...

No, Massha. I'll be over here with Guido. You take the

other side of the road."

That portion of my plan had less to do with military

strategy than with an effort on my part to preserve what

little was left of my nerves. I figured the only way to

shut the two of them up was to separate them.

"I'm sorry, Boss," Guido whispered as we crouched

side by side in the brush. "I keep forgettin' that you

aren't as into crime as the boys I usually run with."

Well, I had been half right. Massha on the other side

of the road was being quiet, but as long as he had some-

one to talk to, Guido was going to keep on expressing

his thoughts and opinions. I was starting to understand

why Don Bruce insisted on doing all the talking when

the bodyguards were around. Encouraging employees to

speak up as equals definitely had its drawbacks.

"Will you keep your voice down?" I tried once more.

"This is supposed to be an ambush."

"Don't worry about that. Boss. It'll be a while be-

fore they catch up, and when they do, I'll hear 'em be-

fore. ..."

"Isthatyou.Skeeve?"

The voice came from the darkness just up the road.

I gave Guido my darkest glare, and he rewarded it

with an apologetic shrug that didn't look particularly

sincere to me.

Then it dawned on me where I had heard that voice

before.

"Right here," I said, rising from my crouch and step-

ping onto the road. "We've been waiting for you. I

think it's about time we had a little chat."

Aside from covering my embarrassment over having

been discovered, that had to be my best understatement

in quite a while. The last time I had seen this particular

person, she was warning me about Aahz's imprison-

ment.

"Good." She stepped forward to meet me. "That's

why I've been following you. I was hoping we

could...."

Her words stopped abruptly as Guido and Massha

rose from the bushes and moved to join us.

"Well, look who's here," Massha said, flashing one

of her less pleasant smiles.

"If it isn't the little bird who sang to the vampires,"

Guido leered, matching my apprentice's threatening

tone.

The girl favored them with a withering glance, then

faced me again.

"I was hoping we could talk alone. I've got a lot to

say and not much time to say it. It would go faster if we

weren't interrupted."

"Not a chance, Sweetheart," Guido snarled. "I'm

not goin' to let the Boss out of my sight with you

around."

"... besides which, I've got a few things to tell you

myself," Massha added, "like what I think of folks who

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Robert Asprin MYTH-ING PERSONS 71

think frames look better on people than on paintings."

The girl's eyes never left mine. For all her bravado, I

thought I could detect in their depths an appeal for help.

"Please," she said softly.

I fought a brief skirmish in my mind, and, as usual,

common sense lost.

"All right."

"WHAT! C'mon, Boss. You can't let her get you

alone! If her pals are around...."

"Hot Stuff, if I have to sit on you. you aren't going

to...."

"Look!" I said, wrenching my eyes away from the

girl to confront my mutinous staff. "We'll only go a

few steps down the road there, in plain sight. If any-

thing happens you'll be able to pitch in before it gets

serious."

"But...."

"... and you certainly can't think she's going to

jump me. I mean, it's a cinch she isn't carrying any con-

cealed weapons."

That was a fact. She had changed outfits since the last

time I saw her, probably to fit in more with the exotic

garb favored by the party-loving vampires. She was

wearing what I've heard referred to as a "tank top"

which left her midsection and navel delightfully ex-

posed, and the open-sided skirt (if you can call two flaps

of cloth that) showed her legs up past her hips. If she

had a weapon with her, she had swallowed it. Either

that, or....

I dragged my thoughts back to the argument.

"The fact of the matter is that she isn't going to talk

in front of a crowd. Now, am I going to get a chance to

hear another viewpoint about what's going on, or are

we going to keep groping around for information with

Aahz's life hanging in the balance?"

My staff fell silent and exchanged glances, each wait-