Mything Persons

Chapter Seven:

"I don't see anything thrilling about it!""

—M. JACKSON

"I really don't see how you can drink that stuff," I de-

clared, eyeing Vilhelm's goblet of blood.

"Fu

the same thing. I mean, you know what W. C. Fields

said about water!"

"No. What?"

"Now let me get this straight," Guido interrupted

before I could get any answer. "You're sayin' you vam-

pire guys don't really drink blood from people?"

"Oh, a few do," the Dispatcher said with a shrug.

"But it's an acquired taste, like steak tartare. Some say

it's a gourmet dish, but I could never stand the stuff

myself. I'll stick with the inexpensive domestic varieties

any night."

We were all sprawled around the Dispatcher's office

at this point, sipping our respective drinks and getting

into a pretty good rap session. We had pulled Guido in

off door watch and I had dropped our disguises so my

57

58 Robert Asprin MYTH-ING PERSONS 59

energy reserve wasn't being drained.

The Dispatcher had played with his phones, calling

from one to the other. Then he put them all down and

a

pression since it was the first time in half an hour he

hadn't been holding one.

Vilhelm himself was turning out to be a priceless

source of information, and, as promised, had a seem-

ingly insatiable curiosity about otherworldly things.

"Then how do you account for all the vampire leg-

ends around the other dimensions," Massha said skepti-

cally.

The Dispatcher made a face.

"First of all, you've got to realize who you're dealing

with. Most of the ones who do extensive touring outside

of Limbo are 'old money' types. We're talking about

the idle rich ... and that usually equates to bored thrill-

seekers. Working stiffs like me can't afford to take that

kind of time away from our jobs. Heck, I can hardly

manage to get my two weeks each year. Anyway, there

are a lot more of us around the dimensions than you

might realize. It's just that the level-headed ones are

content to maintain a low profile and blend with the

natives. They content themselves with the blood of do-

mestic livestock, much the way we do here at home. It's

the others that cause the problems. Like any group of

tourists, there's always a few who feel that just because

they're in another world or city, the rules don't apply

... and that includes common ma

They're the ones who stir up trouble by getting the lo-

cals up in arms about 'bloodsucking monsters.' If it

makes you feel any better, you human types have a

pretty bad rep yourselves here in Limbo."

That caught my attention.

"Could you elaborate on that last point, Vilhelm?

What problem could the locals have with us?"

The Dispatcher laughed.

"The same one you humans have with us vampires.

While humans aren't the leading cause of death in vam-

pires any more than vampires are a leading cause of

death in humans, it's certainly one of the more publi-

cized and sensational ways to go."

"Is that why the first locals we met took off like bats

out of hell... if you'll pardon the expression?" Massha

asked.

"You've got it. I think you'll find that the citizens of

Blut will react the same way to you that you would if

you ran into a vampire in your home dimension."

"I don't notice you bein' particularly scared of us,"

Guido said suspiciously.

"One of the few advantages of this job. After a few

years of. monitoring the other dimensions, you get pretty

blase about demons. As far as I can tell, most of 'em are

no worse than some of the folks we've got around

here."

This was all very interesting, but I was getting a little

fidgety about our mission.

"Since you know we aren't all evil or on a permanent

vampire hunt, what can you tell us about the mess Aahz

is in? Can you give us any help there?"

"I du

thoughtfully. "Until I found out who he was, I was

ready to believe he was guilty as sin. There's an awful

lot of evidence against him."

"Such as?" I pressed.

"Well, he was caught with a stake and mallet in his

hand, and there are two eyewitnesses who say they saw

him kill one of our citizens and scatter his dust to the

winds."

"Wait a minute. You mean you ain't got no corpus

60

MYTH-ING PERSONS 61

Robert Asprin

delecti?" Guido said, straightening in his chair. "Sorry

to interrupt. Boss, but you're playin* in my alley now.

This is somethin' I know a little about. You can't go on

trial for murder without a corpse, know what I mean?"

"Maybe where you come from," Vilhelm corrected,

"but things get a little different when you're dealing

with vampires. If we had a body, or even just the pile of

dust, we could revive him in no time flat. As it is, the

problem is when there's no body... when a vampire's

been reduced to dust and the dust scattered. That's

when it's impossible to pull 'em back into a functional

mode."

"But if there isn't a body, how do you know the vic-

tim is dead at all? " I asked.

"There's the rub," Vilhelm agreed. "But in this case,

there's a matter of two eyewitnesses."

"Two of 'em, eh?" Massha murmured thoughtfully.

"Would you happen to have descriptions of these two

peepers?"

"Saw 'em myself. They were both off-worlders like

yourselves. One was a young girl, the blonde and i

cent type. The other was a pretty sleazy-looking guy. It

was her who sold us on the story, really. I don't think

anyone would have believed him if he said that were-

wolves were furry."

My heart sank. I had wanted very badly to believe the

girl who had warned us of Aahz's danger was somehow

an i

as if....

"Do the descriptions sound familiar, Hot Stuff? Still

think Guido and I were being paranoid when we said

this might be a set-up? Sounds like they framed your

partner, then came back after you to complete the set."

I avoided her eyes, staring hard at the wall monitors.

"There might be another explanation, you know."

My apprentice gave out a bark of laughter.

"If there is, I'm dying to hear it. Face it, High Roller,

any way you look at it the situation stinks. If they

cooked up a frame that tight on Green and Scaly on

such short notice, I'm dying to see what kind of a trap

they've got waiting for you now that they've had time to

get ready before inviting you to step in."

It occurred to me that I had never been that mouthy

when I was an apprentice. It also occurred to me that

now I understood why Aahz had gotten so angry on the

rare occasions when I had voiced an opinion ... and the

rarer times when I was right.

"I think I missed a lap in this conversation some-

where." Vilhelm frowned. "I take it you know the wit-

nesses?"

Massha proceeded to bring the Dispatcher up to date,

with Guido growling counterpoint to the theme. For

once I was glad to let them do the talking. It gave me a

chance to collect my scattered thoughts and try to for-

mulate a plan. When they finished, I still had a long way

to go on both counts.

"I must admit, viewed from the light of this new in-

formation, the whole thing does sound a little suspi-

cious," the vampire said thoughtfully.

"A little suspicious!" Massha snorted. "It's phonier

than a smiling Deveel!"

"Tell ya what," Guido began, "just give us a few

minutes alone with these witnesses of yours and we'll

shake the truth out of'em."

"I'm afraid that will be a little difficult," the Dis-

patcher said, eyeing the ceiling. "You see, they haven't

been around for a while. Disappeared right after the

trial."

62 Robert Asprin

"The trial!?" I snapped, abandoning my efforts to

collect my wits. "You mean the trial's already been

held?"

The vampire nodded.

"That's right. Needless to say, your friend was found

guilty."

"Why do I get the feeling he didn't get a suspended

sentence for a first offense?" Guido growled under his

breath.

"As a matter of fact, he's been slated for execution at

the end of the week," Vilhelm admitted.

That got me out of my seat and pacing.

"We've got to do something," I said needlessly.

"How about it, Vilhelm? Can you help us out at all?

Any chance of getting the verdict reversed or at least a

stay of execution?"

"I'm afraid not. Character witnesses alone wouldn't

change anything, and as for new evidence, it would only

be your word against the existing witnesses... and

you've already admitted the defendant is a friend of

yours. Mind you, / believe you, but there are those who

would suspect you'd say anything or fabricate any kind

of tale tosave your partner."

"But can you personally give us a hand?"

"No, I can't," the vampire said, turning away. "You

all seem like real nice folks, and your friend is probably

the salt of the earth, but I have to live here and deal with

these people for a long time. If I sided with outsiders