Garden of Sins

Dad is coming down the stairs and he doesn’t look good. His eyes are red because he hardly sleeps and he has dark circles underneath. The last few days he’s been on the phone a lot with Granddad. The phone rang constantly. At times, he was away for nights on end. I am almost frightened at the relief on his face. I have never experienced anything like that with him.

Then the door opens because Mom storms out. I hear her footsteps and Dad following her, but I don’t hear Carter, although I suddenly feel so alive that I’m sure it’s him.

Then I hear his heavy steps and Mom asking, “Where have you been?”, and Dad asking, “What did you take?” But, Carter doesn’t answer. I know he feels as bad as I do, but while I separated from reality, he’s most likely been jumping from one shit storm to the next. I’ve sometimes woken up at night with a bad feeling. Normally, I would have called him immediately, but he wouldn’t have answered anyway.

Carter finally enters the living room with Ava under his arm and he obviously is letting it happen.

Immediately, my eyes scan him. Normally, we are not separated for so long. This was the first time.

Carter is wearing a leather jacket, a black hoodie, and jeans of the same color. His prominent cheeks are covered by a dark five o’clock shadow and his hair is a bit too long.

His eyes are strangely hollow and I frown because I have never seen them like that before. He appears exhausted, which hurts my stomach. Besides, he is on drugs, I notice that immediately and not just a joint. He took something else. I hate it when he does that because then he is no longer himself. There are dark circles under his eyes. When he arrives next to me, he looks into my eyes and I look up at him. For a short time, he frowns before he presses my shoulder without saying anything, which is why it rumbles inside me again.

His eyes say: I am sorry and mine answer: I am sorry.

When Ava finally lets go of him, I notice that he has built up even more muscles.

Everyone holds their breath as we stare into each other’s eyes. Then he sighs and goes wordlessly to his garage as if he had never been away. And although he hasn’t said a word, I know we can bury what was behind us. That one thing will never change. We will never change, even if everything around us falls apart, Alayna.

* * *

Carter

I am back in my garage, Isabelle, and everything is exactly as I left it. I feel so out of place here now. It would probably only feel right again if I could show you everything. I can imagine you sitting here on the couch. I can still see your green eyes and how they look up at me. The way you say “Until later”, but there was no until later, Isabelle.

When I came back to the room a week ago, you were gone. Your suitcase was gone, your purse was gone, your aura was gone, you were gone. Just gone. You ran away from me. You showed me what it was like to give yourself to someone else. You woke this shitting feeling in me and then you just left.

For a week, I searched everywhere for you. For a week, I barely slept. I lived off drugs. One week of raging. But I found no trace of you. You were there like a shooting star that briefly lit up the darkness that, for a moment, made me see everything so clearly, briefly filling me with a warmth that I had never felt before. Then you moved on and plunged my life into darkness again.

I lazily peel off my sweater and drop it on the floor as I head toward my stairs. I also open my belt. I have absolutely no drive to continue doing what I normally do here. No more drive for these games, for the mind fucking, no more drive for any of this fucking. For nothing. It’s all so meaningless.

You meant something to me, Isabelle.

When I get to the top, I enter my bedroom and quietly shut the door behind me. I’m home again, but I’m not home. This doesn’t feel like home anymore. Over the last few weeks, a lot has changed in my head. In the begi

I strip off my jeans as well as my shoes and socks.

As I enter my bathroom, I turn on the light before I remove my boxers. And, for the first time in seven weeks, I enter my big shower, almost yearning for that disgusting plastic curtain that repeatedly stuck to our bodies. I grit my teeth and hear your laughter in my ears every time I cursed because that thing attacked me. You will never laugh like that for me again, will you?

I rest my flat hands on the shower wall and hang my head between my shoulders as the water splashes down on me.

I searched hard for you, being careful that Dorian didn’t notice anything. You left me nothing but your chain. Only the gold cross reassures me that it wasn’t a dream, that you were real, and I wasn’t imagining you. Your kisses were real, your touches were real, and what you unleashed in me was real.

I let the water pour over my head and think back to the last shower I had. That was three days ago in a motel in the city where I stayed. In that room above the bar that I couldn’t stay for a single hour more, I left my number at the counter downstairs and made everyone swear to me that they’d let me know if they saw you again.

In the last shower, there was not even room for one person. The tiles were old and yellowed. In my search for you, I stumbled from club, motel, disco, to every drugstore. I went everywhere we went. I searched every place, always hoping I would see you again. Every time I went to my car, I hoped you’d be sitting on the hood eating gummy worms. I hoped so many times that you would change your mind, but you didn’t and you won’t, right? You’re probably long gone by now. On one hand, I know I should be glad that you made it, but on the other, I’d like to tear you apart the way you tore me to pieces.

Now I’m back here, but the one who is no longer here, and I noticed this immediately, is Alayna Hastings.

I have to talk to my brother because from the looks of Caden, Alayna won’t be back any time soon. He has lost weight and seems as if he is absent, in another world. His gaze, which is otherwise always focused and penetrating, seems absent and transfigured without having taken anything at all. He seems almost apathetic and broken. I have never seen him like this before and I hate that.

I take a deep breath. The stab wound in my chest that I received during a lousy handover stings. It is only four days old and I did not have it treated. It is possible it has become a bit inflamed. My tattoo that is there is now scarred. Someone tried to cheat me during a handover and then tried to stab me. That didn’t work out so well. After I was finished with the guy, I don’t think he was breathing, but I’m not sure because I simply left him there. I’ve been a little loaded since you left. I don’t think you have any idea what you did to me, Isabelle.

I get out of the shower and wrap a towel around my hips before wiping the mirror and looking at myself. I still look the same, but inside everything is different, Isabelle. And I can already guess that there is no turning back for me, no turning back from what you have unleashed in me.

* * *

We are at the di