Garden of Sins

43. Heartless and headless

Caden

My father is a wreck, Alayna. He’s constantly on the phone in his office. He and his colleagues are searching for Carter. Dad also tried to track Carter’s cell phone, but of course, he couldn’t because Carter’s cell phone can’t be traced.

It’s been going on for seven damn weeks. Carter knows how to hide when he doesn’t want to be found. Naturally, he knows how.

He hasn’t even been in touch with me, which for once, I don’t blame him.

I haven’t seen your face in seven weeks either, baby. Not even at the university because I haven’t been there myself for seven weeks. I also found out you’re not going to work at the moment, not that I’m leaving the house.

I’ve done everything I can to keep from stalking you, just to see if you’re okay. Obviously, you are not well. I took care of that myself. But, baby girl, I finally had to push you away. I’ve never done that before with a woman I wanted to keep playing with. But with you, one thing was stronger than my desire to play, and that was the way I felt about you.

The moment Carter kicked the shit out of me I finally hit the bottom of the abyss that I had been descending all along. The impact was so hard, so sobering. Suddenly, I knew you must not end up like all the rest. I knew I must not break you even further. And most of all, I knew I couldn’t drag you down with me anymore. You mustn’t bounce next to me in this blackness. Not ever.

Alayna, I’ll never change. I haven’t changed even now. It’s as if I’m trapped in this black nothingness. I’m who I am and I’ll never be good enough for you. No one ever will be. No man, no woman, no one.

In the end, I’d make sure that nothing was left of you but an empty shell. I would make your psyche fall apart little by little. It will always be that way, baby. I wish I could tell you that it’d get better. I wish I could tell you that I’d protect you, that I wouldn’t freak out, that I could control myself, that I won’t ever go into that mode again, that I’d protect you from my monster, from myself, but I can’t. Suddenly, I understand everything everyone keeps telling me. Suddenly, I realize that love means letting the other person be what they are. But I will never let you be. I will always shape you the way I want you to be. Love means releasing the other. Love means letting go. Love means breaking yourself to protect the other and you must be protected from me, baby girl.

I didn’t want to do anything with Melissa. I didn’t want her to blow me. I never truly wanted to hurt you or my brother, not in my heart. But I’m not a heart person and I don’t listen to my feelings because feelings make you weak and don’t let you think clearly. I am a fan of action and reaction.

That night, the moment that guy came on to you, I once again couldn’t control those thoughts inside me, couldn’t control myself, and you were so upset, I knew it couldn’t go on like that. I knew I had to crush everything. You, Carter, us. So, I took Melissa out into the parking lot and I didn’t have to try hard or pretend to be Carter for her. She was blissful, she wanted me, and Carter needed to see the type of person she truly was. Carter finally had to open his eyes. That was step number one. Step number two was to open your eyes in the hospital. You ran and took my heart with you, but that’s okay.

You have one half, Carter the other. I don’t need anything.

I know it’s my own fault.

I started this game.

And now I have lost it.

That’s a good thing.

And your tears, Alayna. I hate thinking back on it. I could see the exact moment your heart broke. I could see exactly when you lost faith in me.

And I could see exactly when I lost you.

I really wish I could tell you I am going to change. I wish I could tell you that you’re safe with me. And I wish I could tell you that I will always stand behind you, better yet, in front of you. However, I would only stand behind you and push you into danger, wouldn’t I? That’s what I do. To see how you react. Like a scientist watching an experiment. Your heart has been my favorite toy, Alayna, and that’s not right. I don’t want it to break. It’s too precious for that and nobody should play with your heart. No one should soil something so pure.

And your eyes, baby.

I’ll never forget them, but I hope you forget mine. I hope I can restrain myself and never bother you again. That’s what you deserve. A life without unscrupulous motherfuckers like me. A life in the light.

I sit in the living room and watch an infomercial on TV for hours on end. I am so empty, Alayna. I don’t see anything even though I stare at it. Mom rushes around the house, trying to hide her worries from us so as not to make things worse. How bad can it get? My physical wounds are almost healed, but my insides are shredded as if I’ll continue bleeding and bleeding and bleeding until there is nothing left and then it becomes dangerous, especially without Carter around and he won’t show up soon.

I know what he does. He goes from one shit situation to the next. Maybe he’s in jail, I don’t know. He doesn’t think without me and I don’t feel without him.

It’s so quiet even though the TV is on. Mom is on the phone and keeps stressing that he was dressed in black when he left the house. Ava is unusually calm and always sits near me without saying anything. Sometimes she looks at me and then looks away again, but she continuously tracks me. I do not care.

I don’t care about anything.

Then I hear his car.

Everyone in the house stops what they are doing because they probably noticed it too and something stirs in me. My head turns to the window and I feel my heart beating a beat faster. Ah, there it is.

It takes three breaths before Mom shouts, “Mason!” It’s as if someone slapped my face, catapulting me back into the present.

I blink and only now notice the bright autumn sunlight that is blinding me. Slowly, I move my head and stretch my back as if I had not felt my body in seven weeks. Ava, who I now notice is sitting next to me again, opens her eyes.

“Caden?” she asks, alarmed.

I slowly look at her and her bluish-brown shimmering eyes stare straight back into mine. They seem searching and chaotic. Her blonde hair stands out in all directions. She should really fix herself up, I think.

“Yes?” My voice sounds rough. Have I spoken at all during the last few weeks? God, I don’t know.

“Shit,” she whispers. “I thought you were dead!”

I have to smile a little. “You wish,” I mutter.

Suddenly, she jumps up and falls around my neck. Shit, is she crying? Confused, I clumsily pat her back. Okay, enough emotions now.

“Never do that again,” she mumbles in my ear, then she pulls back, wipes her eyes, and looks at me again. You can clearly see the relief on her face and it hurts my chest. Then she turns and disappears into the hall. As I watch her, I shake my head, trying to come to my senses. To grasp the situation.

The ticking clock above the television shows it is afternoon. Today is Thursday, as the woman in the news just said. It is October. I was pretty out of it. Actually, the entire time I thought about your face when I kicked you out of my life.

I’m going to check my phone. It’s stuck in the crack of the couch. I’m not surprised you haven’t called. That was the whole point, Alayna, but I know you’re still in touch with my mom.