Blame it on the shame Part 2

Chapter 43 (Ricardo)

 

I walk past the nurse’s station and head for his room. A fucked up combination of guilt and uncertainty hits me causing me to pause just outside his door.

I haven't been able to bring myself back here since the night he was stabbed, although I call Momma every hour on the hour for updates.

But seeing as DeLuca's scheduled to come back from Italy tomorrow and I plan on murdering him...there's no time like the present to do what I came here to do.

Apologize...and tell him the truth.

The sound of the machines beeping and the sight of the tubes he's still co

I would talk to him face to face but Momma said he's still out of it and they've got him doped up on a shitload of meds. Apparently he tried pulling his tubes out yesterday and getting out of bed for the first time.

When he realized he couldn't..he flipped out and kicked everyone out of the room...including Momma and Shelby.

Then he told the nurses not to let anyone visit him until he was ready...in addition to asking for more pain medication.

I walk across the room being as quiet as I can until I'm standing next to his bed.

I'm in the process of sticking the letter next to his pillow when a hand grabs my arm. "I knew it was only a matter of time before you'd end up sneaking in here. You were never one to follow the rules." He raises a brow when he looks down. "Writing me love letters?"

"Something like that," I say as I pull up a chair beside his bed. My shoulders slump as I look around the room. "I'd ask how you're feeling but I'm pretty sure I already know the answer."

He snorts. "And I'd ask why you're bothering with small talk but I'm pretty sure I already know the answer." He reaches for the glass of water on the table and I damn near crumble when I see him struggling. This was a man that I trained and worked out with for almost 4 years. I've seen him push his body to the physical limits every damn day and to see him like this is brutal.

I jump to my feet, grab the cup and put the straw to his lips...only for him to take it from me and throw it across the room. "Don't ," he shouts while pointing to the door. "Momma, Shelby, hell even Jackson...I expect that shit from them. But I never want it from you."

"I'm just trying to help—" I start to say.

"If you want to help me you can do it by acting like you. Push me. Tell me to stop feeling sorry for myself, be thankful I'm still alive, and get my shit together." He points a finger at me. "Be the person I look up to." He throws the letter in my face. "Don't baby me and write me fucking letters because it's the easy way out instead of saying what you need to say to my goddamn face."

I open my mouth but he shouts, "And don't you dare apologize for what happened." He adjusts his pillow and sighs. "And tell Lou-Lou it wasn't her fault either. It was mine, I knew better and I did it anyway. I'm to blame." His jaw hardens. "Me and DeLuca."

I rock on my heels and take a breath. "Tyrone...there's something I have to tell you."

"No. You don't."

"Yes," I insist. "I haven't been honest with you about who I am—"

This time he launches the remote across the room. "Stop!"

"No, Tyrone. I'm De—"

"My brother," he says cutting me off. "You're the person who protected me and Jackson...even though you had no reason to. You still did." He looks me in the eyes. "That's who you are."

"I—"

He reaches under his pillow and pulls out another letter. "You and your girl have similar ways of expressing your guilt."

I stare at the letter in his hand. I'm not quite sure how I should feel about Lou-Lou telling Tyrone the truth about me. Especially since we haven't spoken to one another in days.

"Get that look off your face, Ricardo. She didn't rat you out to get back at you."

When I give him a look he says, "Not only did she put all the blame on herself for what happened to me. She didn't want me to hate you for something you have no control over." He smirks and holds up the letter. "She wrote that a good 10 times alone." He tucks the letter back under his pillow. "That girl loves you, man. She might be involved with him...but she loves you."

"I don't know what to say—" I begin.

"You don't have to say anything, brother," he says before his expression turns worried. "Just keep an eye on Jackson for me. Lilly's birthday is tomorrow and with everything that went on this week...and Alyssa—" he stops mid-sentence but I force him to continue. "Alyssa what, Tyrone?" This is not the time for fucking secrets.

"Nothing," he says quickly.

"Tyrone," I prompt and he relents.

"Fine. Look, Alyssa loves Jackson. And lord knows, Jackson loves her. But...she's got issues with DeLuca. I don't know what they are because Jackson wouldn't tell me but it's serious. Very serious."

Shit. That means Jackson knows that DeLuca killed her dad.

Tyrone's right...because combined with what happened to Tyrone this week...and the way he flipped out at the hospital—he's a ticking time bomb.

"Dammit," I mutter and Tyrone's eyebrows shoot up. "Am I right to assume you already know the severity of those issues?"

Since I don't have to keep any secrets from him anymore I give him a nod. "Yeah. But don't worry. DeLuca will be taken care of tomorrow."

"Tomorrow's Lilly's birthday," Tyrone says and I make a face. "I don't follow. Are you saying he's pla

"No. What I'm saying is he's supposed to be going to Boston...but there's no way to know for sure."

"Sure there is." When he gives me a questioning look I hold up my keys.

If I tell him to take my car to Boston...I'll be able to track his every move and see what he's up to.

Then I'll be able to plan everything accordingly.

I turn to leave but Tyrone's voice halts me, "Ricardo...are you sure this is really the right way to go about this?"

"It's the only way."

"I—" he pauses. "I don't want anything to happen to you. I'm go

I turn around and give him a smile. "Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Be thankful you're still alive...and get your shit together." I give him a pointed look. "And stop telling Momma she's not allowed to see you. She's worried sick about you and if you make her cry again—hospital bed or not, I'm go

He returns my smile. "Love you, brother."

There's no guilt looming when I say it back to him.

 

I watch as Lou-Lou crosses the street and heads for the church on the corner just like she always does.

Only this time, it's not in the middle of the night.

And this time...I follow her inside.

DeLuca will be here in a few hours and time's ru

I take a seat in the last pew all the way in the back of the church.

I'm not trying to hide my presence, I just don't want to disturb her while she does whatever it is that she came here to do.

My chest knots when she lights a candle and tells Thumper how sorry she is.

She has no idea, but I wanted that baby just as much as she did.

Maybe even more...based on the sole fact that our baby was supposed to protect her.