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Chapter 14 (Lou-Lou)
I pop my knuckles nervously as I continue pacing back and forth in front of Jackson's dressing room.
I don't dish out apologies often and I never thought I'd be giving one to Jackson of all people.
I rub a hand over my belly and exhale sharply as I remember the real reason I'm doing this.
I want to be a good mother. But first, I have to be a good person.
I want my baby to know the difference between right and wrong.
Unfortunately, I'm still learning those things myself and failing miserably...but I know I owe Jackson this apology.
I muster up another ounce of tenacity and finally knock on the dressing room door.
"Yeah," he answers. "Get the fuck out," he immediately barks when he sees me.
"I'm sorry, Jackson," I blurt out, pushing past him.
"Doesn't matter," he says. "You crossed a line that never should have been crossed."
"I was hurting," I say, because it's the truth. I'm not about to divulge my past to Jackson or anything, but it was the sole reason behind me playing the tape. Well, that and my jealousy.
He spins around to face me. "Hurting? Really? That's the best you got?" he screams. "Hurting," he bites out. "Hurting is having someone set you up with a sex tape. Hurting is finding out that the night you lost your virginity was posted online without your consent for all the world to see!"
I feel the color drain from my face as I take in what he's said. Oh, god. That's horrible. "I didn't..."
"Yeah, that's just it, Lou-Lou...you didn't. You didn't stop and think about how fucked up it was to play that tape in front of everyone. You didn't stop and think about how it would make me feel. Hell, you didn't even stop and think about how Ricardo would react to you pulling some shit like that."
I can practically see the anger rolling off of him in waves. He's so upset you would think it was him that I did this to.
He looks ready to tear me to pieces all over again and my eyes sting with tears because there's no doubt in my mind that whether Jackson's realized it or not...he's fallen for her.
You don't go to the level of defending and protecting someone the way he is if you're not in love with them.
My mind flashes back to breakfast yesterday morning and that day in the hallway with Alyssa.
Ricardo didn't protect me or defend me either of those times...he didn't even make an attempt at it.
I don't know when everything between us fell apart...or the moment Ricardo fell out of love with me...but he obviously did.
Hell, for all I know maybe he never loved me, and screwing me was just the ultimate way of sticking it to DeLuca.
Maybe he was just using me...just like everyone else in my life.
I shake the thought from my head—even though we're done and over—I know what we had was real.
Before all the hurt and lies at least.
I take a step back and look at Jackson. "Wow, you're really falling for her."
"This isn't about me," he argues. "What you did was wrong."
He's right. "I know and that's why I'm apologizing to you. I was jealous."
Jackson's back is turned away from the door so he doesn't notice when it opens ever so slightly, but I do.
Just like I can't help but notice that Ricardo is hanging back in the shadows, purposely eavesdropping on our conversation.
Given what I know I have to do within the next few hours, I decide to twist the knife even deeper, knowing he'll hear every single word.
"I've never had a guy look at me the way you look at her," I start. "I've never had someone defend me the way that you defend her. Or protect me, or care about me. I've never had someone in my corner...not once. I mean, why the hell do you think I'm like this in the first place?"
Jackson pushes past me. "I'm sorry about that, Lou-Lou. I really am. But, it still doesn't make it right."
"I know, Jackson. Trust me, I know. That's why I came to apologize."
"I can't forgive you," he says and I feel my lower lip tremble because this whole situation is so fucked up and all I want to do is run out the door to Ricardo and make everything right between us...but I can't.
"I'm not saying that I'll never forgive you," Jackson amends. "Just not this second."
I lift my chin and that's when Ricardo's eyes co
His eyes are glassy and he looks absolutely crestfallen.
I'm so gutted seeing him like this, I have to stop myself from calling out his name and ru
"Okay. I can understand that." I look down, my heart in my throat. "It's more than Ricardo's willing to give me," I whisper, only a beat away from breaking down altogether.
When I look back up, Ricardo's gaze hardens and he shoots me such a venomous look I feel it in my bones before he leaves altogether.
It's at this very moment it occurs to me that Ricardo and I never actually stood a chance in the first place.
Our end was over before we even began.
Because try as we might— there's no way we could ever make one another whole...because one-half of the puzzle will always be cracked.
Me.
Because I'm too fucked up and too damaged.
Too damaged to love someone the right way. Too afraid of someone breaking me.
I have to brace myself as a tear trickles down my cheek with my next thought.
It turns out I didn't have to be afraid of anyone breaking me after all...because I was already broken.
Ricardo knew it...and yet he still tried to love me. All while knowing that sooner or later my sharp pieces would end up taking him down with me.
Because everyone knows...a wrecking ball swings in both directions before destroying its target.
When I look up I see Jackson heading for the door. "Jackson," I call out, surprising myself.
He sighs deeply. "Yeah?"
"Word of advice? Since Alyssa and I are a lot alike."
He turns around to face me. "You're nothing alike. She's not—"
He couldn't be more wrong.
"Damaged?" I laugh. "Trust me, that girl is as broken as they come. It takes a damaged soul to know one. And just because she's trusting you enough to open up to you...it doesn't mean she's cured. It doesn't mean that her demons are gone. They're only temporarily camouflaged until something causes them to flare up again." I point a finger at him. "Because let me tell you something about the broken people, Jackson. If you hurt us...we hurt deeper than others. If you hurt us...you drudge up every past hurt that we've ever experienced and send us into a tailspin right back down the rabbit hole."
He opens his mouth to say something but I'm not finished yet. "Whether you mean to hurt us or not. It doesn't matter, because once we're in that tailspin...how do you think we cope? What do you think our go-to is? It's a vicious cycle and we end up taking down a lot of good people with us. People like you, Jackson. So be careful."
He slams the door behind him and I can only hope that for his sake, he listens to my warning.
I rub slow circles over my stomach and bring my cell phone to my ear. "Hey, Emilio. I'm ready when you are."