Alien in the Family

“That’s my girl.”

We went in, and Reader checked me into the spa but had me stay in the waiting room. Two burly men came in with a couple, both dressed in business suits, the man in brown, the woman in red. Clearly, they were humans. They gave Reader wide smiles.

The burly men were carrying large cases wrapped in velvet. The couple gave Reader air kisses. I tried not to gag. The burlies opened the cases up—and I was treated to an amazing array of men’s wedding rings.

“James? I have no idea of Jeff’s ring size.” Wow, I sucked as a fiancée, big time.

He sighed. “I know. I, however, do. All the rings here are sized for Jeff. Pick one.”

“Mademoiselle is assured of quality,” the man said, in a fake French accent, oozing attempted charm.

“These have diamonds in them,” the woman said, pointing to the rings that obviously had diamonds in them. “Perhaps mademoiselle would like to consider some of these for her lucky husband-to-be?”

“Mademoiselle has an uncle who’s a jeweler. Please stop with the unctuous charm. I don’t need a sales pitch, I need help.”

“I did warn you,” Reader said.

“Fine, you never know who’s listening,” the man said, sounding a lot more like he was from the Bronx than from France. “Look, honey, it’s a symbol. Sure, he’ll wear it every day for the rest of his life, or until you get divorced, but they’re all good.”

“His family mates for life.”

The woman snorted. “Yeah, heard that before.”

“James? Who are these people?”

“Among the best jewelers in Vegas.”

“And his cousins,” the woman said. “He visits when his friends are doing it up right, but during other times? Not so much.”

I looked at Reader. He shrugged. “Family. You know.”

“Yeah.” ’Nuff said, really.

I started looking in earnest for the right ring. This was, of course, easier said than done. There were at least two hundred to choose from. My eyes started to cross. “Um . . .”

Reader sighed. “Cut down to the twenty I selected.” I opened my mouth; he gave me the hairy eyeball. “The ones closest to her wedding set.” I closed my mouth.

“I’d still like a look,” the man said. I put my hand out before Reader could glare at me, and he slid the ring off and examined it. He whistled. “Know where he bought this. You’re marrying well. Finest quality diamond. Small though.”

“She has small hands,” the woman said. “Looks better on her.” I decided she might have taste.

“Yeah! It’s like almost no one gets that.”

She gri

They both examined my engagement ring, then produced Reader’s much smaller selection.

Now that I finally had time to examine it, my ring had an unusual and intricate design, and I realized it looked a very little bit like the design of the Unity Necklace. All I wanted to do was find Martini, cuddle up in his lap, and tell him how he was the most romantic man in the galaxy, and I knew I was the luckiest girl in the universe.

Not an option, so I looked carefully for a ring that might somehow manage to say the same thing to him every day. I was able to discard some right away because the designs were Celtic and while beautiful and intricate, they were too human.

I was down to ten and had to decide if I wanted a diamond or not. What word had Chuckie used . . . unostentatious. “James, are diamonds in a man’s ring ostentatious?”

“Depends on the ring. If you’re asking me if I think Jeff will like a diamond in his ring, yes, if you give it to him, because it’s you giving it to him, but if he had a choice, no.” He checked his cell phone, sighed, and pointed to two rings. “This one or that one. Take your pick; they’re both ‘him.’ ”

“I had two hundred and you just cut me down to two? Am I off the schedule?”

“Yes, by a lot. Girlfriend, this is why you two couldn’t settle on anything.”

“Jeff’s picky, too.”

“Yes. The prosecution rests.”

I examined the two rings. They were both very unusual in their design. One was thicker than the other, which allowed for more design and also made it sturdier. I stared at them. The thicker one seemed more manly. “Which do you like best?”

Both jewelers pointed to the thicker ring.

“James?”

He sighed. “Two things. Yes, the thicker one. And . . . it’s the one I would have told you to go with in the first place.”

“We’ll take it. Excuse me while I strangle your cousin.”

“It’s a common desire in the family,” the woman said, while the man cleaned the ring to perfection and put it into a nice ring box. “It’s worse because he’s always right.”

“Yeah, good point.”

The man held the box out. Reader took it and put it in his pocket. Money changed hands. He ensured I didn’t see how much.

Shook paws, the burlies loaded up the merchandise, and Reader’s cousins left. “You never introduced me.”

“Nothing gets past you.” His phone rang. “Hey, Christopher. Oh, good. Yeah, you’re a little late, but, shocker alert, no problem because things on this side took a while.” He laughed. “Of course, what else did you expect? The rest of the guys are waiting in my room. Right. Tell him she’s fine.” He snorted. “Well, yeah, but as fine as she’s going to be. Tell him that it’s tomorrow, no matter how much he whines. Humans have rituals. Yeah, more than A-Cs. Yeah. Great, see you in a few minutes.” He hung up.

“What’s going on? Is everything okay?”

“Yep. Jeff’s out of isolation, feeling fine. Christopher’s riding herd on him.”

“You know, I could pass on the spa thing and feed Jeff. He’s always hungry when he gets out of isolation.”

“No.” Reader bent and kissed my cheek, then sat in the chair next to me and put his arm around me. “I know you’re scared,” he said softly. “He’s scared, too. You two have been trying to make everything so perfect that nothing was happening. That’s why I’m in charge of Operation About Time.”

I started to laugh. “Yes, you totally are.”

He smiled. “I’ve known Jeff for several years—he’s always wanted to find the right girl and give her the wedding of her dreams. Only, his right girl didn’t spend her time daydreaming about weddings and gowns—she spent it reading Ms. and the Feminist Manifesto and doing her best to not be shallow. None of her close girlfriends are girly-girls. One of her best friends is a guy, and not just any guy, but a brilliant nerd.”

“And her other best friend is a gorgeous gay guy. Yeah, okay, sensing the trend.”

“Now, for a little bit of a lecture.”

“Oh, goody.”

“All the ritual stuff? It’s not for you and Jeff, so much. It’s for everybody else. The actual ceremony? That’s for your parents and grandparents. The reception, that’s the wrap party. The honeymoon? Now that’s only for you. But all the things leading up to it? Most of those are for your families and friends. For them to get this time with you before your life changes in a huge way. Now you’re going to go into the spa and have a massage with Lorraine and Claudia, so they know they’re still the more special of your friends.”

“Okay.” That sounded nice, actually.

“You’re going to relax in the whirlpool with Felicia, Jareen, and Wahoa, who didn’t want to try to explain to the masseuse why they look like humans but feel fu

“Makes sense.”

“Then you’re going to have a facial with your mother, to have that private Mommy and Me time.”

“What if it makes me break out?”

“Using stuff that won’t—it’s the freaking Four Seasons, babe. Next, you’re going to have a manicure and pedicure with Lucinda, to have that bonding over the salon experience with your not-so-future mother-in-law.”

Looked down at my fingernails. Fighting Moira and Bitch Leader hadn’t done them any favors. “Okay, good plan.”