Alien in the Family

“So? You don’t even go to temple!”

“I don’t go to mass, either. Get ready, here comes Aunt Carla.”

My mother’s other sister descended on us. I didn’t like her as well as Aunt Karen. “What’s this I hear about you two finally getting engaged?” She hugged me and gave Martini an obvious up and down. Then she looked at Christopher, who was still covering our backs. “That one, not this one?” And this was why.

“Aunt Carla, meet Jeff. The man I’m marrying. This is his cousin, Christopher. A man with many excellent qualities whom, however, I am not marrying.”

“Christopher’s more your type. So is Charles.”

Martini started growling, and Christopher winced. “Aunt Carla, Chuckie and I are still good friends. Okay?”

“Your mother told me he proposed and you turned him down. I can’t believe you were willing to throw away years of friendship with a brilliant, successful man who worships you for some good-looking stud.” Aunt Carla made Aunt Ruth seem demure.

“He’s a great-looking stud, Aunt Carla.” I hid behind Martini, dug through my purse, and pulled out my cell. “Daddy?”

“What’s wrong, kitten? Are you all in danger again?” It was so loud in the restaurant I could barely hear him, but he sounded freaked. Of course, I’d called him Daddy, because I was freaked.

“Daddy, we’re at our engagement party I didn’t know we were having, and you’re not here, and James isn’t here, and . . .”

“And you’ve run into your Aunt Ruth?”

“And Aunt Carla.”

My father almost never cursed, but when he did, it was impressive. “I knew it was a mistake to tell them anything. Your mother and I were trying to explain how you’d met Jeff and how he proposed, and of course Charles was involved and . . .” He sighed. “James wants to talk to you.”

“Girlfriend, what’s going on?”

“I’m at our engagement party, and you and my dad aren’t here, and it’s horrible.” I didn’t care if Aunt Carla heard that. She was busy telling Martini and Christopher how great Chuckie was, and how he’d convert to Catholicism if I wanted him to. “My aunts are telling Jeff I should be marrying Chuckie, or Christopher, or anyone else. I love my ring, and people are asking why the stone is so small, and I can’t get to my mother.”

He laughed. “Families are hell. Don’t worry, it’ll be okay.”

“How so?”

“Your dad and I will be there shortly.”

“James, you can’t leave the hospital!” I shouted that out, and both Martini and Christopher spun toward me.

“I’m fine. Clean bill of health.”

“That’s impossible.” There was something in the back of my mind that said it wasn’t impossible, but I couldn’t remember what it would be.

“Yeah, I know. Your dad got here and we’ve been playing cards the whole time. In between worrying about all of you.”

“James, how the hell can you be sitting up?”

“Don’t know. Don’t care.” He was quiet for a moment. “I think I should know, but . . . well, doesn’t matter. The doctors are a little freaked out, but there’s nothing wrong with me at all any more. Other,” he added, sounding seriously pissed, “than the fact that I’m bald.”

I managed a giggle. “Yeah, Paul said you’d be upset.”

“Can’t wait to hear the comments. Anyway, Kevin stopped by to check on me. He’ll be coming with us.” There was something in his voice.

“James, what aren’t you telling me?”

“You’ll find out when we get there. Don’t tell Paul, unless your shouting alerted him already. I’d like to surprise him.”

“Trust me, it’s packed in here and unbelievably loud. Paul might not even know I’m here, and he sure hasn’t heard any of our conversation. Your surprise is safe.”

“Love you, babe. See you soon, and then your dad and I will fix everything.”

I hung up, dropped my phone back into my purse, patted the Poofs, grabbed Martini and Christopher, and plowed on toward my mother, leaving Aunt Carla in mid-insult.

“This is really fun,” Martini said. “I can’t wait to hear what your grandparents have to say to me.”

“I’m not enjoying being bachelor number three,” Christopher added. “You didn’t tell us your family worshiped Reynolds.”

“I didn’t know.” I thought about it, though. I’d always bragged about him, because I was so proud of him. They all knew him, and while I was apparently the densest girl on the planet sometimes, perhaps they’d realized he was in love with me a lot sooner than I had. Wouldn’t have been hard, since I hadn’t realized it until he’d asked me to marry him. The second time. Guilt and its BFF Stress waved to me. They were loving this party. Me, not as much.

We reached my mother’s table. “Hi, Mom, am I high or is our entire freaking family here?”

“Other than your father, yes, pretty much.” Mom took a deep breath. “Kitty, could you, perhaps, introduce Jeff and Christopher to your grandparents?”

I was still holding both their hands, and as so many people, Chuckie included, had pointed out, Christopher had been more my type when I was in school. My Nona Maria beamed at him. “You must be the lucky boy who’s marrying our Katherine. I told you he’d be decent, Dominic.” This to my Nono Dom, sitting next to her.

Nana Sadie nodded enthusiastically. “Yes, we’ve heard so much about you. See, Abraham? He’s a nice-looking boy.” My Papa Abe nodded with a bit less enthusiasm.

I saw Mom put her face in her hands. Alfred was wincing. Even Queen Renata looked shocked and uncomfortable. Christopher and Martini both were stu

For whatever reason—fate, karma, ironic justice—I made eye contact with Lucinda. I didn’t know what to expect to see in her expression—triumph, maybe hatred, disdain, victory. She smiled at me, but it wasn’t a vicious smile at all. It was warm and understanding. Then she winked at me and turned to my grandparents.

“Your Kitty is such a lovely girl, and she had so many suitors, I’ll admit we were wondering if our nephew would win her. That’s our Christopher on Kitty’s right. But our Jeffrey seems to have managed to catch and keep her eye. That’s him on her left. I know he’s a little bulkier than you all seem to think Kitty’s attracted to, but you know, a woman’s tastes change as she gets out of school.”

I could see my mother out of the corner of my eye. She sat back up and looked both shocked and relieved. Renata let out the breath she’d clearly been holding. Alfred looked as though he was finishing a prayer of thanks. I was still afraid to look at Martini.

“Oh!” my grandmothers chorused. They both looked to my left and obviously checked Martini out.

“Handsome boy,” Nana Sadie said.

“Very. Tall, too. Big and strong.” Nona Maria beamed. “Should give our Katherine healthy babies.”

“How many little ones are you pla

Nono Dom nodded. “Our little kitten needs a big tomcat to take care of her and keep her under control.” He was serious, and I tried not to die of embarrassment. “You up to that?”

I heard the best sound in the world right about now—Martini laughed. “Yeah, I think so. As for kids, I want a lot, but we figure we’ll take one at a time and see how it goes.”

“How soon for the babies?” Nona Maria asked. Eagerly.

“Um . . .”

“Oh, soon. But, you know, not too soon.” Martini sounded completely at ease. I was still considering the benefits of spontaneous combustion.

“We’re not getting any younger,” Nana Sadie said, rather sternly. “I want to see my great-grandchild before I die.”

“Nana, you’ve been saying that for years. You have tons of great-grandchildren.”

“Not from you. You’re my Solomon’s only child. I want to see your babies before God takes me home.”