Alien in the Family

“Christopher, you look a little pale. You might want to eat something too.” Martini jerked his head, and Christopher got up.

They started talking about baseball while Chuckie and I continued to chat about family members who didn’t exist. The others got the clue, and soon the whole room was filled with aimless chatter.

Martini picked up the centerpiece and examined it. He shot a look at Chuckie while discussing the merits of the Diamondbacks over the Dodgers. Chuckie shrugged and pulled a small, black, rectangular thing out of his pocket. He put it near me: nothing. He got up, wandered around the room, still talking about his nonexistent siblings, while he put it near the others in the room. When it was by humans, nothing happened. When it was by Gower it turned purple, and when it was by Martini, Christopher, or the girls, it turned green.

Chuckie waved the alien-detector near the centerpiece. It turned red. He then pulled the Unity Necklace out of his pocket—I hadn’t realized he’d taken it, but then, I hadn’t been thinking about wearing it after what had happened earlier. He put the box near the necklace, and it turned red.

Martini nodded, and he looked seriously pissed, but not at Chuckie for once. He and Christopher started to take the centerpiece apart, carefully. Inside the ugly pineapple thing they found an oddly shaped piece of metal. I could see it and, like the necklace, it didn’t look human-made.

Martini put his hand out, and Chuckie gave him the Unity Necklace. Martini played around with it a bit, and all of a sudden the two pieces fit together. Martini looked angrier, and Christopher looked pretty pissed off, too.

His hands moved so fast I couldn’t see them, and I had to look away or get sick. So I looked at his face. Hey, I didn’t have to look far away. Martini finished whatever he was doing and held out the combined pieces of metal to Chuckie, who held the little black box near it. It still glowed red.

Martini grimaced and looked thoughtful for a few long moments. “Kitty, you need to fix your hair.”

“I do?” Everyone gave me “duh” looks, even Chuckie. I pondered. “Oh. Right you are.” I pulled out my hairspray and handed it to Martini. He sprayed the combined metal all over, then held it out to Chuckie again. The black box glowed a weaker red.

Martini continued spraying and Chuckie continued testing until the red glow dissipated. Once gone, Martini went into the bedroom, came back with a bath towel, and wrapped the metal up inside it.

Martini put the towel-wrapped package down on the table, then he, Chuckie, and Christopher sat down. I could tell Martini was furious, but he was controlling it well.

“You sure it’s . . . clear?” Chuckie asked.

Martini nodded. “It’s neutralized. I’d guess if we wash the hairspray off, it’ll spring right back into action, but I don’t think it can function right now.”

“Makes sense,” Chuckie said.

It did? “So, what’s that black box thing, what was the metal thing inside that freaky fake pineapple, and what did you do?”

“This is an alien-detector,” Chuckie answered. “Oh, and duh.”

“Yeah, fine. I didn’t know we had those.”

“Well, ‘we’ don’t,” Martini snapped. “Apparently, however, the C.I.A. does.”

Chuckie rolled his eyes. “As this incident has just proved, there are aliens we don’t know about.”

“That metal stuff is alive?” I’d been wearing a living thing? I felt freaked out.

Martini took my hand. “No, it’s not alive.”

“Just sentient,” Chuckie added. “You didn’t mention that when you gave it to her, of course.”

“Because I didn’t know,” Martini snarled.

“Boys? Enough of the caveman stuff. What’s going on?”

Christopher answered. “The necklace responded to the bug. It’s not called a bug, but that’s how it works.”

“Wow, the words all make sense individually, and yet, when put together, not so much.”

“ACE can explain for Kitty.”

“Thanks, ACE, I’d appreciate it.”

Gower nodded and spoke in the ACE-voice again. “Like with ACE, the A-Cs on home world can put talents into . . .” Gower twitched and I figured he was having to help ACE with the right words. “Into inanimate objects. Useful for many things.”

“Like spying.”

“Yes. A-Cs are most advanced of all species in their solar system.”

“So, they used these things to spy on the other planets?” No wonder they’d been able to stop the warlike planets in their solar system from doing anything—they’d nipped them in the bud before they could be a problem. Logical and tidy, which were A-C traits. Vicious and nasty, which were also A-C traits, just not traits the Earth A-Cs had. Thank God.

“Yes. Have sent this here to spy on Kitty.”

Something about that didn’t make sense to me. “Um . . . how?”

“What do you mean, how?” Christopher asked. “Through a gate or something.”

“So, this metal stuff can move on its own?”

“No,” Martini said. “It can’t move at all. It doesn’t think, either, despite our Supreme Leader’s comments to the contrary.”

“It just transmits information, like a good bug,” Chuckie said, and I could hear the knife in his voice.

“Guys? If it can’t move via its own steam, then how the hell did it get into this room?”

There was dead silence. Aliens and humans trained to work with aliens think time.

ACE answered. “Someone must have put it in here. ACE does not understand why Kitty did not know that.”

“The hero worship is particularly nauseating during intimate moments,” Reader tossed out. “If I get one more ‘would Kitty do that?’ question—”

“He’s kidding, ACE,” I said quickly. Not that I thought he was, but I didn’t want ACE to get its feelings hurt. “And, sometimes it helps to ask a question aloud, even if you think you know the answer.”

“Ah, a human thing. ACE has data for that.” ACE had the consciousness of any human who’d died in space joined to it. It sort of made them part of the God in the Machine, and I was happy they were there, since their presence had altered ACE’s mind-set toward protecting the Earth from the other races, not the other way around.

“Jeff? What did you do with the necklace and the bug? And why did my hairspray neutralize it?”

“The hairspray was a guess. Since we’re all allergic to alcohol and there’s alcohol in it—and since hairspray worked so well against Mephistopheles, and this clearly comes from our home world—I figured it might work.”

“Whoever wants us followed knows we’re all here now, however,” Chuckie mentioned.

“True.” Martini sighed. “And as for what I was doing, it’s a game my father taught us,” he inclined his head toward Christopher. “We used to think it was fun. He’d give us different metals, and we had to make something new with them without hurting the original shapes. Most of the time, he had us play with the metals and the Unity Necklace, but not always. I didn’t know it was anything but a child’s game before. But I’d guess once I make another call, and, you know, get through all the haranguing from my mother, I’ll find out this was commonly used by the royal family.”

“To spy on their underlings,” Christopher added with a snarl.

“Or their enemies.” Chuckie let this one hang on the air for a bit. “I think we need to stop pretending the only issue will be Kitty passing whatever marriage test they’re going to administer. We didn’t send bugs or spies over to check out Charles marrying Camilla, so this isn’t what I’d call standard royal wedding protocol.”

“It’s not, as far as we know,” Claudia offered.

“You’re confirming that?” Chuckie asked her.

“Sure.” She shrugged. “Girls care more about this stuff than boys. My mother told me about how weddings on our home world were handled. Spying on the bride-to-be wasn’t mentioned.”

“My mother didn’t say anything about this, either,” Lorraine added. “And she told me all about the last royal wedding she’d seen, right before they left our home world.” She shot a look at Christopher. “I think it was your parents’.”