The Schwa Was Here

She didn’t speak for a long time. She just wiped her eyes with the back of her hand, then reached down to pet Moxie. Moxie was pushed away by the sins and virtues, who wanted attention as well, and that just frustrated her even more.

“I tend to intimidate the boys at my school,” she finally said. “I’m very outgoing, and most of them aren’t. You see, it’s a very exclusive school, and a lot of the kids have been much more sheltered than me. I guess they just don’t know what to make of me.”

“What about your other escorts? The ones before me and the Schwa?”

“They were always older,” she said, “and to them it was just a job. Besides, they were always church boys—you know, boys who are so weirdly polite, you always feel like you’re in church when you’re with them. My escorts were always boys who were safe. . . which is why I was so surprised that my grandfather chose you.”

“He must be going senile.”

“I heard that!” Crawley shouted from his bedroom. A few of the dogs perked up at the sound of his voice and ran off to tor­ment him. Served him right for eavesdropping.

“So I guess we were like training wheels,” I said to her.

“What?”

“You know, like on a bicycle. One on either side. Me and Schwa. Dating wheels.”

“I can’t ride a bicycle. I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

But I think she did.

“Calvin must hate me,” she said, nervously picking at her fingernails.

“He doesn’t hate you. He just feels a little worked over, is all.”

“How about you?”

“No, of course I don’t hate you.”

She reached out and touched my cheek. I thought about how that felt. I’ll bet no one had ever touched the Schwa’s face until Lexie had. Touch is a freaky thing when you’re not used to it. It makes you feel all kinds of things.

I guess I didn’t respond the way she wanted, because she took her hand away. “What happens now?”

I had to think about my answer because my own feelings hadn’t settled yet. Were we going to keep seeing each other? I wanted to. Being with her made me feel like Anthony instead of Antsy. But my selfish streak had run its course, and my con­science kicked in with a vengeance. It would never be right if I did this at the Schwa’s expense.

“I think you’re going to have to ride without training wheels for a while,” I told her.

“So then ... what are we? Are we friends?”

I took real care in my answer. “I’m your grandfather’s dog walker,” I told her. “Let’s start from there.”

Remember the Schwa.

Go to his house.

Go talk to him.

Remember the Schwa.

After I left Lexie, I kept repeating things about the Schwa over and over in my mind. I didn’t care how many brain cells it killed trying to think of him, I knew I had to go see him, or call him, or something. I couldn’t let him sneak out of my mind like he always did. Right then I knew how bad he must have been feeling.

Remember the Schwa.

Go talk to him.

But when I got home, Dad called a family meeting. Everyone was there but Mom. He had us sit at the dining-room table, where we never sat. The dining-room table was for holidays and taxes, that was it. As I sat down, I suddenly realized I didn’t want to hear this.

“We all need to have a talk,” he said. “Because things will be changing around here.”

I swallowed hard. “Changing how?”

Dad sighed. It was the truth sigh. I hated the truth sigh more than anything in the world right then. “Well, for one, I’m going to be cooking a lot more.”

“And?” said Frankie.

“And?” said Christina.

“And your mom ...”

“What about Mom?”

Dad sighed again. “Your mom is taking a cooking class three nights a week.”

Us kids looked at one another, waiting for more, but that’s all Dad offered.

“That’s it?” I said. “She’s taking a cooking class?”

“And she’s looking for a job. Probably part-time at first.”

Nothing from any of us for a few moments.

“It’s a French cooking class,” Dad continued. “Now I want you to listen to me, and listen to me closely.” He looked us all in the eye to make sure he had our attention. “When she cooks something, you have to tell her EXACTLY what you think of it. Capische? Don’t pull any punches. If it’s the foulest thing you’ve ever tasted, tell her the truth. You’ve got to be honest about it. Just like Antsy was the other day.”

“That ain’t right,” says Frankie.

“I’m scared,” says Christina.

“I know it’s going to be difficult for a while,” Dad said, “but we’ll get used to it.”

And suddenly, out of nowhere, I found myself bursting into tears. Don’t ask me to explain it, because I can’t. I didn’t even try to stop it, because it was like one of those floods that washes cars away. I guess my brother and sister were freaked out by it, because they took off, leaving me alone with Dad.

“It’s okay, Anthony,” he said, putting his hand on my shoul­der. “It’s okay.” He called me Anthony instead of Antsy, and for some reason that just made me cry even more.

Finally my eyes cleared, and I was looking down at the little drops of tears on the polished wood table.

“I should have used a coaster,” I said. We both laughed a tiny bit.

“Wa

I sighed the truth sigh. “I thought you were go

Dad raised his eyebrows then folded his arms and looked at his reflection in the shiny wooden table. “Not today, Antsy.”

“So what about tomorrow?”

He offered me the slimmest of grins. “Tomorrow we eat French.”

The next morning I woke up with the nagging feeling that there was something I was supposed to remember, but I had no idea what it was. It was like Lexie’s sight—a memory of a memory.

It was Sunday. Had Lexie and I made plans to do something before yesterday’s disaster? Was that what I was supposed to remember?

Mom was out early that morning and came back from the supermarket with a strange collection of groceries that in­cluded a bag of snails.

“Those French!” she said. “They can figure out ways of mak­ing anything edible.”

The sight of the snails absolutely terrified Christina. I helped Mom unpack, just so that I might have some early warning as to what else was in store for us come di

I moved a bunch of recipe cards she had clipped together so I could unpack the last bag, and the clip fell off. The clip bounced on the linoleum floor with a tiny little clatter that I could barely hear over the refrigerator hum.

A paper clip.

I stood there with the recipes in one hand and half a pound of pig brains in the other, staring down at the clip like an idiot. I suppose only something that small, that u

“Antsy, what’s wrong?” I handed her the pig brains. “Gotta go!” I hurried to the door, but before I left I grabbed a pen and wrote on my palm in big blue letters: Schwa’s House, just in case the Schwa Effect kicked in and I forgot where I was going. 

14. More Than I Ever Wanted to Know About the Schwa’s Childhood

I rode my bike at top speed and got to the Schwa’s house in just a few minutes. As I ran up to the door, I could hear Mr. Schwa playing guitar inside. I rang the bell three or four times until he finally came, answering the door with a friendly grin.

“Hi, is Calvin home? I have to talk to him.”

He looked at me strangely, and for a single, terrifying mo­ment, I thought he’d say, Calvin who?

But instead he said, “Sure, he’s in the bedroom.”