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Dear Dr. Ozzy:
I keep hearing that humans need to drink eight glasses of water a day. This is surely bullshit, yes?
I tried drinking eight classes of water a day for a while, and my bladder felt like a red-hot fucking ca
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
I’ve become addicted to counting calories: I have a sensor in my shoes that sends a “calorie burn readout” to my iPhone; I input everything I eat into a calorie counting website; and I try to estimate how many calories I burn up doing everything else (including typing this). I’m losing weight, but going insane. Advice?
I remember seeing an interview with Bob Dylan after he wrote his memoirs, and he said, “While you’re writing, you ain’t living.” The same goes for counting calories—which I’ve tried to do on many occasions. The bottom line is, every hour you spend jotting down every last cornflake or baked bean you ate during the day is an hour you could have spent with your family or friends. Either that, or you could be using the time to learn something, like a new language. I mean, okay, yeah, you’d still be fat. But at least you’d be fat and able to order your double-cheeseburgers in Slovakian.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
I haven’t been able to “go” for ten days, and I’m starting to get really worried. Nothing seems able to unclog me.
I’d recommend a strong cup of coffee, but it sounds more like you need a stick of dynamite. Prunes can also be effective, if you can stand the taste. Personally, if I’m suffering from a spot of constipation, I’ll ask the missus for some of her “special pills.” All women seem to have a stash of these things somewhere: they come in a pink box with flowers on the outside. Just be careful: I once took a handful of ’em, thinking they’d never work—nothing else did—but boy, was I wrong. Two minutes later, I was unloading about ten Christmas di
Dear Dr. Ozzy,
I love lattes, but just one medium cup gives me a headache and makes my heart race. Is this normal?
I learned the answer to this question when I got my DNA downloaded onto a computer chip in 2010: we all metabolise caffeine at different speeds, based on the way our genes work. Personally, I feel like my head’s about to blast off to Mars after one sip of espresso, and now I know why: my body can’t process it. It sounds as though you’re built the same way. Unfortunately, there’s only one thing you can do: switch to another drink. Trying to beat your own genes is a game you’re only ever go
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
How much vitamin C is healthy? I’m taking 4,000mgs a day in the hope of avoiding a cold.
I might be wrong, but I’m pretty sure your body can only store so much vitamin C: the rest just passes right through you. So even if you take 5 million units or whatever, it won’t do much good. The sad fact is, if you’re go
Dear Dr. Ozzy,
Every time I drink milk I get the most horrific eggy flatulence you’ve ever had the misfortune to smell. I can clear out entire restaurants with it. Does this mean I’m “lactose intolerant,” or is that just some bullshit that Hollywood-types have invented?
It ain’t bullshit. I’ve got a friend who literally turns green when she drinks milk. Try switching to soy milk for a week, then wait ’til a good old rumbler comes down the pipe, and let it loose in a confined area. If everyone’s still conscious after five minutes, problem solved.
Dear Dr. Ozzy,
During important meetings, my stomach growls loud enough for everyone in the room to hear. It happens even after I’ve eaten a good breakfast. Please help—it’s terribly awkward.
Nerves. I guarantee it. It might even be a symptom of IBS (irritable bowel syndrome). At least you’re not breaking wind, though: that’s really embarrassing. Trust me. Especially when it sends a stale breeze through the room. That’s the thing with the human brain: when it’s stressed out, it’ll find all kinds of ways to mess with you, from making you feel like you need to pee all the time, to bringing you out in a rash. Which is horrible, really, ’cos those are the kind of things that just make the original problem worse. The good news is that there are all kinds of potions you can take to help calm you down, including a special kind of beta blocker, which they use for stage fright.
Ask your GP about it.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
I’ve joined a cycling club to get fit, and a lot of my fellow members—all men—have told me that I should shave my legs to become “more aerodynamic.” Isn’t this a bit weird? I mean, how much more aerodynamic can you possibly get by removing a few leg hairs?
Unless they start asking you to wear ladies’ knickers, I wouldn’t worry about it. Also, from what I understand, the shaving ain’t just about aerodynamics—it also makes it a lot easier to treat an injury on your leg if you fall off, which happens a lot if you compete in heavy-duty road races.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
Whenever I eat, or have a “number two,” my nose runs continually. I’m not joking—it’s driving me bananas. What can I do about this (other than buying shares in Kleenex)?
PS: I’m not allergic to anything that I know of.
All kinds of crazy things can make your nose run because of the way your ears, nose and throat are all linked together. Personally, I get bunged up all the time ’cos of everything from dust mites to dodgy smells, so you might want to investigate allergies a bit more. Washing out your sinuses regularly with saline spray might help, although if you do it wrong, it feels like you’re being fucking waterboarded. You could also be reacting to the temperature of the food you’re eating, or how spicy it is. I mean, if ate a lamb vindaloo every day, my nose would run, too. Again, nasal sprays might help. So might antihistamines, if your doc approves. As for the “number twos”—that’s pretty far-out, man. Maybe the sensation of pushing is triggering the same thing as the food? Ask your GP if he can send you to an ear, nose, and throat guy for a consultation.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
Every so often, I get these nasty little bumps on my tongue which ruin my sense of taste. Please help.
By the sound of your question, this has happened to you a number times, and the bump has come and gone without making your tongue fall out or your head explode. So why are you worrying? Having said that, if it were me and something weird puffed up somewhere, I’d be straight down the doc to get it checked out. Given that you’ve gone to the trouble of writing in, it’s obviously bothering you, so you should do the same.