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Dear Dr. Ozzy:
How do you make a girl reach orgasm?
I’ve always been too busy giving myself an orgasm to pay much attention. If you find out, let me know.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
I’m a 28-year-old woman who has never—not once!—reached orgasm. I enjoy sex but it’s more like a good aerobic workout than something mind-blowing. Am I choosing the wrong guys, or do I have some kind of deep psychological handicap? Please help.
Dr. Ozzy is a bit out of his depth on this one (see above), but the first thing to do is look at the side-effects of any pills you’re taking. For example, anti-depressants wreak havoc in my own screaming ecstasy department—but I don’t know what the deal is for women. Maybe also buy one of those electronic “back massager” wands, then practice trying to get yourself over-the-top on your own. The better you know your own body, the better chance you have of learning what sets you off. Failing that… give me a call.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
After I have sex my feet tingle. What’s happening? Bad circulation? Return of blood to my feet?
Let me ask you something: Are you one of those blokes who likes to wear ladies’ underwear? Because I once knew a girl who wore tights during a game of hide-the-sausage, and her feet fell asleep halfway through. Maybe that’s your problem. Either that, or get rid of the ropes and the ballgag, and don’t do it hanging upside down next time.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
My boyfriend and I have been together for a long time. To spice up our sex life, he’s suggested a threesome with one of his college mates. Does this make him gay?
Call me a boring old turd, but I’ve always preferred sex when it’s done on a one-at-a-time basis. With more than one dick swinging around the place, you might end up with a black eye, or—God forbid—getting one of ’em stuck in the wrong place. To answer your question, though, it sounds to me more like your boyfriend’s bi, not gay. Then again, his buddy might be gay. You could spend the evening with nothing to do but watch two hairy blokes go at it hammer and tongs, which wouldn’t be much fun. And what if you end up liking the other guy more than your boyfriend? Trust me, threesomes might look good on telly, but they’re usually more trouble than they’re worth.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
My friend and I—both married men—have been reliving old times by going out drinking and chatting up women, but stopping before any actual infidelity takes place. We call them “dry runs,” because they give us the thrill of the chase without breaking any rules.
Is this wrong?
Playing with matches is a lot of fun, Michael, but at some point your wig’s go
♦ When a male bee, or drone, gets lucky, his balls literally fall off inside the virgin queen. This stops her getting knocked up by anyone else. It also hurts.
♦ If you think human blokes have it bad, spare a thought for male giraffes. For starters, sex is limited to a two-week period every year (the only time females are up for it). And it ain’t exactly much to look forward to, anyway: before any action takes places, the female has to make absolutely sure that her mate is “Mr Right.” She does this by pissing on his face.
♦ Female hyenas don’t just wear the trousers in their relationships—they even get boners. That’s ’cos they have a “pseudopenis,” which is basically a massive clitoris. I bet they have hairy armpits, too.
♦ Male bedbugs have gotta be the biggest bastards out there in the sex department. Instead of courting the female, or even bothering to give her a cuddle and feel her up a bit, he just stabs her in the chest with his spiky dick. Biologists have a term for it: “traumatic insemination.” It’s just fucking lazy, if you ask me.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
I have an a
Is this code for something? This is Dr. Ozzy you’re writing to, not the Archbishop of fucking Canterbury, so for God’s sake spit it out, man. If you mean what I think you mean, why not just get on with it quicker? It’ll give you and the missus more time to do the garden.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
I have just turned 68 and have the opposite problem to your premature “cork popper” the other week. It doesn’t matter how racy my thoughts—say, Je
What can I do?
They have a word for this: “Anorgasmia.” There’s also another term, and it’s called “being 68 years old.” Unfortunately, as blokes get on a bit, everything to do with sex becomes difficult. If it’s any consolation, the most exciting thing that happens in my bedroom most nights is an episode of Law & Order. Having said that, you should get your prostate checked out, and also ask your doctor about the side-effects of any drugs you’re taking. Of course, you could also just be bored. Try thinking about Courteney Cox instead.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
I have an embarrassing fetish (it’s surprisingly common). I want my girlfriend to put me in a diaper and treat me like a big baby. My girlfriend and I are compatible in every way, but I’m terrified to ask her about this. What would you do?
This one’s a bit far-out even for Dr. Ozzy. I mean, there’s plenty of time later in life to wear adult nappies, so why speed it up? Having said that, I had the opposite problem to you in my drinking days: Sharon was always telling me to wear nappies, ’cos I used to piss in the bed so often. I also used to shit my pants on a fairly regular basis, which ain’t very fucking nice. I suppose if you start doing the same thing, your girlfriend might make the same suggestion, saving you the whole “I want to be a big baby” conversation.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
I’m 29 years old and have become increasingly dependant on seriously hardcore porn to get turned on. Is this going to ruin my performance with real women?
No. Women didn’t stop getting knocked up when the internet was invented—although maybe their husbands don’t pester them for sex as much, ’cos now they’ve got online filth on demand, 24 hours a day. The trouble is, even the XXX stuff gets boring very quickly: it’s not like there’s ever a surprise fucking ending. The trick is to ration your exposure, not try and find stronger and stronger stuff. If it ever gets to the point where there’s crapping or donkeys involved, trust me, you’ve gone too far. Otherwise stop worrying.