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Sometimes you’ve gotta make yourself unhappy to be happy. I mean, if you think about it, there’s an up and down to almost everything worth doing—and the down usually comes first. For example: I get horrendously anxious before gigs, but I love the adrenaline rush I get on stage. Maybe you need to test yourself a bit; do things that you make you feel nervous, and see if you like the sense of achievement you get later on. If you don’t, and you’re happier in bed at 9 p.m. every night with a cup of tea and a crossword, then stick to your routine. Better happy and boring than interesting and miserable.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
A close friend of mine has become very angry with God, blaming Him for all his recent career, health, and romantic disappointments (of which there have been many). Now I’ve read on the Internet that this is a actually a kind of mental disorder. Should I be worried?
Most of us are taught from birth to believe in a God with a beard who lives on a fluffy white cloud or whatever, so if someone’s having a terrible run of luck, it’s ain’t exactly surprising that they might end up blaming Him. Instead of worrying about your friend going mad—it certainly doesn’t sound like a “mental disorder” to me—why not talk to him; give him a shoulder to cry on. He needs your support, not your internet research.
Dr. Ozzy’s Trivia Quiz: Grey Matter
1. Which of these are real mental disorders?
a) Bigorexia
b) Foreign Accent Syndrome
c) Jumping Frenchman Disorder
2. If you were a hybristophiliac, what might you want to do?
a) Marry a mass murderer
b) Have two different personalities
c) Have sex with your Toyota Prius
3. This statement about the human brain is true:
a) There aren’t any “pain receptors” in your brain, so if Ha
b) While awake, your brain generates enough power to light a 100 w bulb
c) Music is the biggest trigger of emotional memories
4. How many thoughts does the average person have every day (roughly)?
a) 600
b) 70,000
c) 1 million
5. How many prescriptions for anti-depressant drugs are handed out every year in America (estimated)?
a) 18 million
b) 81 million
c) 118 million
Sex, Romance & Ballcare
10
Dr. Ozzy’s Guide to the Bats and the Bees
If you’ve come to the Prince of Darkness for sex advice, you’re already in big fucking trouble. It ain’t that I don’t have a lot of experience in the bedroom department—I’ve got my fair share of war stories, like any other rocker—it’s just that I wasn’t conscious for most of it. Back in the 1970s, most chicks used to light up a cigarette after a good old bonk. Not the ones I slept with: they were too busy calling for an ambulance.
Still, I’ve picked up a few pearls of wisdom here and there, which is a good job, ’cos at least half the questions I get, especially at Rolling Stone, are from people with sex problems—or romance problems, or ball problems. Or, more often than you’d think, a combination of all three. To make things easy, I’ve rolled them all into this chapter. Just remember: there’s more to life than mind-blowing sex. And if you find out what it is, let me know.
I: SEX
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
When my girlfriend takes Ambien, she turns into an insatiable sexual freak. In the morning, though, she has no memory of it. Is it wrong for me to go along with this?
It sounds like I need to send my Ambien back to the pharmacy and ask for a refund: when Sharon takes it, she turns into an insatiable fucking snorer, not a sexual freak. Having said that, if your girlfriend doesn’t remember any of these epic rogerings in the morning, it seems to me like it’s dangerously close to date-rape. Aside from the fact that it ain’t right, if she ever found out about it, and you had an argument and broke up or whatever, you could end up in leg-irons and a jumpsuit. I think a confession is in order.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
I gave my wife a vibrator as a gift. Now, every night when she thinks I’m asleep, I can hear her using next to me. We’re barely having sex, and I’m worried I can’t compete with the machine. Please help.
Hide the batteries.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
I’ve been sleeping on and off with an average-looking girl at work for a few months—usually after a Friday night session in the pub. Yesterday I found out she’s updated her “relationship status” on Facebook and is calling me her boyfriend! I never wanted this to become serious. How can I tell her this without causing drama?
First of all, you’ve got a lot of balls calling this girl “average-looking.” What are you, Mr. fucking Brad Pitt? Secondly, if you go to bed with a girl more than once, you either have to explain to her that it ain’t serious—and run the risk of her not shagging you any more—or be a man and stop doing it, ’cos she’s go
Dear Dr. Ozzy,
I have a policy of not advising people on their love lives. However, I suspect my friend “Bob” (not his real name) might be having an extra-marital relationship with a neighbour, largely because he likes her breasts. If this was your mate, would you offer advice?
No. Trust me—stay away. It’s impossible to know all the facts in these situations, and you probably wouldn’t want to. Meanwhile, if he ever asks you to start covering for him, just say, “What you do is none of my business, don’t ever ask about this again, I don’t want to know.” Otherwise you’re putting your head in the lion’s den, and sooner or later, two slobbering jaws are go
Dear Dr. Ozzy,
Why do men always want young girlfriends? Young people are boring: they don’t have good stories to tell or interesting views to share. Do men think only with their trousers?
The truth is, men have two brains: the one in their heads and the one in their Y-fronts. The one nearer the floor usually wins—that’s why you see these guys walking around in Los Angeles with bald spots and pony tails. In fact, a friend of mine who’s 63 came over to my house the other day in his sports car with some young female in the passenger seat who might as well have been his great-granddaughter. I said to him, “Where do you find these girls? Pre-school?” He just laughed. But I guarantee it won’t make him happy for long, ’cos one day they’ll be lying in bed and he’ll want to talk about Colonel Gaddafi, and she’ll think he’s talking about the guy who invented fried chicken. (In response to this question, a guy called “Peter” from West Sussex wrote to me, saying: “Ask Darla from Helsinki why men should NOT have young girlfriends? I sail, ski, work-out three days a week, and prefer slim and energetic companions as opposed to my overweight, TV-watching contemporaries. PS: I am 81 years old.”)