CRAZY

“What’s wrong?”

Gabby

Fade to Black

Walking to the park alone on crowded streets is hard enough for me to do without having an attack. I don’t do crowds well. Walking an unfamiliar route to someone else’s house with their child in tow is a whole new level of anxiety. My hands grip the stroller tight, leaving indents on my fingers, but I’m not letting go for anything. The thought that someone could rip her away from me, and I’d be the cause of ruining Benton’s life, runs through my head the entire time I speed walk back to his place. By the time we make it up the elevator and inside, locking the door behind us, I’m out of breath and on the edge of a breakdown already. Ha

The maternal feeling and instincts are all still there, hiding in the darkness, but, with Ha

By the time Ha

“Gross, Ha

Fine with me. I need to make di

After putting Ha

So right.

Ha

And, unfortunately, the alarm going off on my phone right now is reminding me why.

Fuck.

“Shit, shit, shit,” I mutter, racing to turn it off. A few hours ago, the noise level in this apartment was bearable, with the soft snores of Ha

Turning the alarm off and grabbing my purse for my backup pills, it’s not until I empty my entire bag out that I realize they aren’t there. The bottle is completely empty. Holy shit, how can that be? Has it been that bad lately that even my back up bottle is empty? When did that even happen?

Oh, God. I can’t be here right now. I took so many meds this morning that, pretty soon, they are all going to crash through my system and I’m not sure what I’ll be like when that happens. Fuck, Fuck, Fuck!

“Ha

Benton texts in the middle of di

When he texts me back, I can feel the stress through the words in his text. I don’t know what he’s going through, I don’t know what happened, but I have to come across as the strong one here. I have to be strong for him and Ha

Bath time with an almost one year old is insane. Water everywhere, toys everywhere, and the screaming when I have to wash her hair is insane. Enough to get my heart racing again for the tenth time this evening. I can tell I’m starting to crash from the overload on meds this morning, and I now feel like maybe that was a bad idea, but I never would have thought I’d end up alone with a one year old for all these hours. I still haven’t heard from Benton about his mom, and I’m starting to worry that something is seriously wrong.

By the time Ha

Setting Ha

This can’t be happening.

Moving for my phone, I call Benton only to get put straight through to voicemail. Trying again with trembling hands, three more times I’m sent to voicemail. He has no reception. I can’t be here alone with her right now. I can’t do this.

“Shit,” I mumble, fumbling with my phone. My hands are shaking more and more, and I’m afraid I’m going to pass out if I can’t get this under control.

So I call the only other person I trust to help me and not judge. A

“Gabby?” There’s a ton of noise in the background, and I suddenly feel terrible for bothering them when they are obviously busy. I need her though. This is so scary, and I’m about to completely black out if I don’t calm myself.

“I need you, A