CRAZY

***

By the time I make it home from di

Deciding to let her sleep in her own bed so I can get some work done, I kiss her forehead gently and lay her down, turning on the music and night light for her that she sleeps with. Clicking the door closed as gently as possibly as to not wake her, I walk down the hallway and into my small office, then absentmindedly head to the computer and start scrolling through images on the laptop. Images from a few years back, when we thought we had everything.

Mam how things can change.

When my phone buzzes, I smile from a text from Gabby.

Gabby: Busy tonight?

Me: Swamped. Tired. Wore out. Tomorrow? We can take Ha

I hit send before I really think about what I just asked her. She hasn’t met Ha

“Was I not texting fast enough?” she asks, and I can hear the smile in her voice.

“I mean… sorry. I just needed to hear your voice.” The lie runs off my tongue and I’m happy with it. I’d rather not let her know that I just freaked myself out for nothing.

“Well, hey there, then.” She giggles and I can just picture her curled up on the couch under a huge blanket.

“Hey,” I chuckle. “So, park tomorrow. I uh-”

“I’d love to, Benton. I think it’s about time, don’t you?”

I release a breath I didn’t know I was holding and smile.

“Absolutely.”

Gabby

The Look

I can do this. I want to do this.

So, why am I starting to freak out?

I need to do this. I need to show him that I’m okay being around his little girl. I need to show him that I can be normal, or he’ll leave me. If he leaves me, I’ll be alone. If I’m alone, I won’t make it. I won’t be able to function if he leaves me, especially if he leaves me because he finds out I’m crazy.

Deep breaths, Gabby. I can do this.

I took an extra pill this morning, something to help calm my nerves, as well as some Benadryl just in case. Any normal person would practically be in a coma because of the overload of meds this morning that are flowing through my system, but I’m so used to all of it that it just slightly numbed my heightened senses.

The park we’re meeting at is just a few blocks from my apartment, which also happens to the half way between Benton’s place and mine. Chicago is great for this, with parks on practically every block and tons of lunch and picnic options along the way. I have about four hours until we’re supposed to meet, and if I sit around doing nothing my head is going to insane again by worrying about everything that could go wrong. I can’t do that. I have to be able to focus today, and an attack isn’t in the cards.  To take my mind off everything else happening, I do the one thing I know will be able help me focus, short of going out and finding another sex partner.

I clean.

I clean so hard that an hour in I’m dripping with sweat and disgusting. I clean with the music so loud, that I don’t hear A

“WHAT THE HELL?!” I scream, flipping around to find my best friend gri

I fucking hate people scaring me, and she knows it!

“I called. Then I knocked. Then I got worried you were dead, so I used my key you gave me. Glad you’re not dead.” Her smiling gives me a calmness that I need right now.

“Thanks, bitch. I almost pissed myself from that. You know I hate being scared,” I huff, tossing the dust rag I was using on the fan in the living room on the table, then grab a bottle of water and chug it down.

“Welcome. What’s going on today? You wa

“Oh uh… I’ve got plans…” I trail off, wondering if I should tell her about Benton or not. I guess I could, since it’s officially official that we’re together, but I haven’t ran it by him yet so I don’t know if he wants to tell Adam first, or if we should tell them together… see this, again, is why I don’t do this! This is why I stay out of relationships. Because things get messy and confusing, and commitment only means heartbreak for me.

But I did it anyway. I went in and dove into a relationship with a man that I could see myself living happily ever after with.

If only I did that stuff. If only I deserves that stuff. I hate that I’m not going to make it out of this in one piece, but I can’t stay away from him. He’s like a drug. The best drug I’ve ever been prescribed.

“Hello, earth to Gabby?” A

“Sorry,” I mumble, washing my hands and wiping a cool rag over my face.

“So, you go

I don’t deserve that, A

Instead of ruining her day, though, with the news that I took a few lives and ruined tons others, I take the high road and smile and shrug, not giving way to the real reason of what I’m doing today. Not until I talk to Benton about it.

“So you do, then? Are you go

“Don’t you have wedding pla

She sighs and shakes her head.

“No. Adam hired a wedding pla

“Listen, A

“I know; it’s all just so different than I thought.”

“I hear ya, bitch,” I say. “Life doesn’t ever turn out like we thought it would.”

She eyes me like she’s on to me, but I smile and shrug it off before she notices the change in my demeanor. In the time since the accident, I’ve grown to be able to put off a happy vibe even if I don’t feel it. I don’t ever want anyone feeling the hurt that I feel, so I try my hardest to show others the love and kindness that wasn’t ever shown to me, before, or after, the event that changed my world. The only physical appearance leftover from the accident is my eyes. With the impact and the infection from the accident, I’ve been slowly losing sight in my right eye. I’ll never get it back once it’s fully gone, but I’ve grown to accept it. I deserve it, at the very least.