Cam Girl

“You think we’ve been cruel, evil fairy-tale parents.” She took a leather folio from her purse and pushed it at me. “Look.”

Bank letterhead, columns of numbers. “What is this?”

“She refuses to take a dime of our money. We know she’s been struggling. I hired someone to watch her, to make sure she doesn’t starve or get assaulted on the street. That’s how cruel I am.” Katherine tapped a number. “She wouldn’t accept our help, so we set up a trust in her grandmother’s name. Drew up convincing-looking documents. A surprise inheritance. Nothing to do with us. She took it, but donated the bulk to charity. What little she kept she’s been spending on bizarre purchases. Jewelry, dresses. Things she never cared for.”

Automatically, I touched the ruby earrings I wore. Katherine’s eyes tightened.

“I’m not here to pay you off, Vada. But I know you want her to be happy. She wants you to be happy, too.”

“So what the hell do you want?”

“To give you a letter of recommendation. I’m a patron of the arts, and I have pull with several admission boards on the East Coast. Choose a graduate school, and I’ll ensure you can go.” She closed the folder. “Alone.”

(—Bergen, Vada. This Is How I Lose You. Pencil on paper.)

“I took her mom up on the offer,” I said. “My family’s broke. I’ve fought for everything I have. But honestly, part of me wanted to get away from Red, too.”

SoBlue: you wanted her out of your life?

“No. The exact opposite. I wanted her in my life, in every way, just . . . not in some kind of official relationship. And she hated that.” I sighed. “Not that it mattered, because I couldn’t leave without her. I was halfway through packing when I broke down and begged her to come with. Fu

SoBlue: why not an official relationship?

“Because I really didn’t want to sit down and have the ‘Am I a lesbian now?’ talk with myself, okay? I’d never even had a serious boyfriend. How could I know what I wanted yet?”

SoBlue: i don’t think liking girls is what bothers you.

SoBlue: it’s falling in love with one.

“It was never an issue before. I knew I was bi, but—maybe I internalized this from my mom, but I always thought of being bi as something that would turn off when I married a man. Then I met Red and my head filled with all these crazy thoughts. Like, ‘What if I end up with a girl instead of a guy? What does that make me?’ ”

SoBlue: the same person, in love with a girl.

I squeezed the pillow. “You are so male. It’s so fucking simple for you.”

SoBlue: it really is that simple.

SoBlue: no matter who you are.

“That’s not how girls work, Blue. Our minds are different from yours.”

SoBlue: you have some hang-ups about gender, morgan.

“Please. Red is the biggest tomboy, and it never bothered me. Like, wears men’s underwear and gets male haircuts and stuff.”

SoBlue: you don’t have a problem with masculinity.

SoBlue: your problem is with femininity.

This seemed totally absurd, so I just stared at the screen, baffled.

SoBlue: look, i don’t want this to come off as mansplaining.

SoBlue: but i think it’s red’s femininity that disturbs you.

SoBlue: you’re fine with the masculine side of her.

SoBlue: that’s why you liked her cross-dressing.

SoBlue: you probably like being read as a straight couple in public.

SoBlue: it’s when you think of her as a girl that you freeze up.

SoBlue: and start making it about you.

SoBlue: “what if i end up with a girl?”

SoBlue: “am i a lesbian now?”

“Okay, Dr. Blue. What does it all mean?”

SoBlue: you see things in a binary way.

SoBlue: feminine or masculine.

“Rojo o Azúl.”

SoBlue: red or blue.

SoBlue: clever.

SoBlue: it’s not surprising.

SoBlue: spanish is a heavily gendered language.

SoBlue: and language shapes culture.

SoBlue: maybe you’ve absorbed some ideas about gender without realizing.

I frowned.

Pajarito rojo. Little red bird. En español, the feminine forms of adjectives almost always end in a, not o. I never questioned why I used masculine forms with her—it just seemed to fit better.

SoBlue: are you having a linguistic epiphany?

“Shut up. So what’s your diagnosis, doctor?”

SoBlue: mild femmephobia.

SoBlue: it’s a real thing. you can look it up.

SoBlue: treatment plan:

SoBlue: stop being such an asshole.

I snorted.

SoBlue: and stop being so tough.

SoBlue: let your guard down sometimes.

SoBlue: i think your own femininity scares you.

SoBlue: makes you feel weak, when it shouldn’t.

SoBlue: it’s part of your strength.

SoBlue: you got into camming because it lets you control your feminine side, and how people react to it.

SoBlue: lets you explore it in a safe, compartmentalized way.

SoBlue: take that to the real world.

SoBlue: your real self.

“How are you more of a feminist than I am?”

SoBlue: what can i say.

SoBlue: i’m in touch with my feminine side.

“You are, aren’t you?”

And it’s sexy as fuck.

Who the hell are you?

SoBlue: there’s that look on your face.

SoBlue: you want to tell me something.

“Good eye.”

At this point he knew enough details of the accident that he could find me anyway. But I wanted it to come from me, willingly.

“Blue, my real name is Vada Bergen. I live in Maine, near Portland. I’m twenty-three.”

SoBlue is typing . . .

Nothing. No send.

“You promised you’d hit Enter for me.”

SoBlue: why are you telling me this

“Because I want to be real. My boss told me to stop the private chats with you. I can’t be exclusive anymore.”

SoBlue is typing . . .

“Press fucking Enter, Blue.”

SoBlue: vada don’t do this

My heart leaped, seeing him write my real name for the first time.

I typed my phone number into the chat.

“That’s my cell. You can call it, text it, whatever.” I was shaky but the more I revealed, the calmer I felt. “I want to meet you. In real life.”

SoBlue: stop.

SoBlue: you’re off-kilter tonight.

SoBlue: it’s the catharsis. it makes you feel high.

SoBlue: you don’t mean what you’re saying.

“I mean it with my whole heart. Meet me.”

SoBlue: vada.

Again my breath caught.

SoBlue: this isn’t right.

SoBlue: you’re conflicted about your friend.

SoBlue: you’re forcing yourself into making a decision between us.

His words struck hard.

“Don’t you get it, Blue? This is over. We can’t be exclusive anymore. And I don’t want to lose you. I want to meet you and see if this is real.” My body tensed. “Tell me your first name.”

SoBlue: this is a mistake.

“Tell me your name.”

SoBlue: i can’t.

“Why?” I said, but I knew.

Because I already knew him.

SoBlue: i don’t want to lose you, either.

SoBlue: but i will.

“Man up, Blue. Show me who you really are.”

SoBlue: you already know who i am.

I swallowed. Tried to speak but my voice failed. Instead I typed.

Morgan: when I think about you

Morgan: I think of this painting by Magritte

Morgan: called The Lovers

Morgan: a man and a woman are kissing

Morgan: but their heads are covered by cloth

Morgan: they’re kissing through it

Morgan: but they can’t see or feel each other

Morgan: that’s us, Blue