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“You heard it all?” Amanda asked in a hushed tone.
Emma nodded. She felt sick to her stomach. “He left,” she whispered. “I . . . I didn’t think—”
Amanda was suddenly pulling her off the wall and walking her down the hallway, her arm around her.
“He left,” Emma repeated again dazedly when Amanda urged her to sit on the edge of her bed and sat down next to her.
“I know,” Amanda said, looking miserable. “But I thought . . . I mean, after everything you told me earlier about how he proposed this no-strings-attached affair with you, did you really expect he wouldn’t?”
Emma just stared at her sister, her mouth gaping open. The truth hit her full force.
No. I didn’t really believe he’d walk away, in the end. I still held out hope. I’m such an idiot.
“Oh, Emma,” Amanda said miserably, obviously seeing the truth displayed on her face . . . the crushed hope. She hugged her tightly.
When Emma had arrived home earlier after that toxic encounter with Vera Shaw, Amanda immediately knew something terrible had happened. Emma had only to open her mouth and a partial explanation came spilling out, her agreement to an affair with Va
In truth, it’d shocked her to the core that Va
Here it was: firsthand proof that his feelings for her hadn’t altered since he’d first suggested a sexual affair. Or if they had changed, Emma realized with a wave of dizziness, they hadn’t altered enough to make him fight for her. His suffering and his fear of letting another person get close had triumphed. It left her stu
Emma wasn’t used to letting doubt and fear triumph. But it had. That victory was not sitting well with her. It was constricting her spirit . . . dimming it.
“Maybe it’s best,” Emma said after a moment through numb lips. The pain would have come sometime. She knew that now for a fact. Whether Vera Shaw had made her ultimatum or not, Emma would have eventually sat here, bereft and empty. She now knew firsthand that he wouldn’t have fought for her, because his fear of losing another was too great.
There was nothing to act as a stopgap. Loss crashed into the vacuum that had opened inside her with tidal wave force, stealing her breath.
For the next several days, Va
On the inside, however, some sharp kernel grated, causing the ice inside him to splinter. Finally the pressure grew too great, and he felt the cracking of his brittle control.
He rose from his bed one night about an hour before dawn and walked down to the beach, naked.
He stood at the edge of the lake as the waves lapped around his bare feet. The water stretched out before him, as black and eternal as the night sky. The contrast between the thick, suffocating darkness of this shore and the warmth and brilliance of the beach at La Mer struck him . . . Emma standing on the beach, naked and beautiful, waiting for him . . .
He plunged into the frigid water. It hit him like a slap, ruthless and stinging. The farther away from shore that he swam, the clearer his brain got. Ever since he’d heard Emma’s flat voice on the phone so many days ago, he’d been fogged. Now shards of memory cut through his awareness like slicing glass.
Emma’s deadened voice on the phone: I thought I could do this, Va
Amanda: Because that’s what Emma realized tonight. That she can’t be with a man who has so little to offer.
Cristina’s dying words: No child should have been left to feel so much. No man forced to feel so little.
A man who has so little to offer.
Those words taunted him most of all. He cut through the black water angrily now, swimming farther from shore. When he sensed he was just past the breakers, he paused, lifting his head. Water surged up and hit him in the face.
The memory of Adrian’s pale, frightened face leapt like a lion into his consciousness.
Help . . . Van . . . I can’t . . .
And then Adrian was sinking beneath the slate-blue, churning water, and so was Va
He hadn’t been afraid.
Va
And they were two.
He gasped and sputtered in the present, the lights of the Breakers sparkling on the distant horizon. He had a crystal-clear image of Emma with the Mediterranean sparkling behind her, an ocean of compassion in her dark eyes.
Adrian may have died, but part of him is in you. It always has been, Va
And then . . .
When the time came, he wasn’t afraid. Please believe me. I’m sure enough for both of us.
He remembered Adrian’s hand letting go . . . releasing him. For the first time, Va
Why hadn’t he recalled that until now?
Va
He walked back into the Breakers, soaking wet and naked. His mind was clear, though. He’d find Emma. He’d make her understand. It was different now than it had been when he’d tried to see her and Amanda stopped him several nights ago.
He was different.
He was shivering when he stepped into the kitchen to make himself some tea for fortification. It was Emma’s drink, and just that thought warmed him.
What if I can’t convince her that I really can offer her more?
You’ll do it. One step at a time.
He took heart from that steady, patient voice in his head. It was new, and yet it was achingly familiar.
Part of him is in you. It always has been, Va
He opened the refrigerator to get some milk while the kettle heated on the stove. His gaze landed on the bottle of champagne on the shelf. He withdrew it and just stared at the label for several seconds, his brow furrowed.
A moment later, he flipped off the burner on the stove and strode out of the kitchen determinedly.
Realizing it was too early to go to Emma’s yet, he stopped at a coffee shop in Evanston. He dialed Vera’s number as he sat at a booth.
“Va
“Did you see Emma? Last Tuesday night?” he asked without a greeting. “Did you talk to her at the Breakers before I got home from France?”
There was a long, pregnant pause. “Why?” Vera asked finally. “What did she say to you?”
“I asked you the question, Vera. Did you see Emma or not?”
“Yes. We spoke briefly.”
“Why didn’t you tell me that when I asked you on Wednesday? You claimed you hadn’t spoken to her at all, that she’d never arrived there to your knowledge. What did you say to her?” he seethed.