Every Wrong Reason

“They were part of the problem! They made things so difficult for us! We constantly fought about them. I had to drag Nick over there. He would put up such attitude every Sunday that I always felt like the bad guy. And then my mom! God, my mom can be such a brat. She would make me feel like the worst kind of human for marrying him. Now… now they want to play nice? It’s not fair!”

She didn’t say anything for a long time. I got the feeling she didn’t know what to say.

“I’m just frustrated,” I sighed. “It’s not like I can say all of this to my mom. She’ll take it like I’m blaming her for my divorce and I’m not. There were so many more issues besides that one. But they were a problem. A weekly problem. Sometimes more.”

“If Nick hated it so much, and it sounds like you hated it too, then why did you guys keep going over there every single Sunday? That seems excessive.”

I felt like a boulder dropped in my stomach and upset everything inside me, as if I was a puddle and the boulder threw up everything that made me in a fast, draining wave until I was nothing but emptiness and gritty earth. “Because that’s what my parents expected us to do.” But my explanation sounded so weak now.

 “But, Kate, why didn’t you guys just go once a month? Or every other week?”

I sat in stu

Because that’s what people do, my mind answered immediately. You spend time with your family because they’re your family.

But my reply didn’t hold the weight it once used to.

I didn’t believe it quite so strongly.

It wasn’t like Nick hadn’t suggested this very thing on more than one occasion, but I had blamed him for being unwilling to try. I had blamed him like it was his fault. I had accused him of causing drama with my parents and being selfish with his time. It was our obligation, I told him. This is what family does.

But wasn’t he my family? Shouldn’t his needs and desires and wants come before my parents? He had never suggested cutting them out of our lives completely. He just wanted to spend less time with them.

It wasn’t until Kara had pointed out the obvious that I finally saw things as they should have been.

Hell, at this moment in time, I didn’t have plans to return for lunch ever again. And although I knew that would change eventually, I didn’t have to force myself to go back every single Sunday. I could create my own boundaries. I could give myself a few Sundays off a month and actually feel rested when it was time to go to school on Monday.

Crazy.

Kara watched me for a long time before finally saying, “I’m surprised Nick showed up if he hates your parents so much.”

“I am too,” I breathed. “He needed to pick up some amps that my dad had been storing for him and then my mom invited him to lunch. Maybe he felt bad or guilty or something.”

“Maybe.” Her gentle gaze met mine over her desk. “Maybe he wanted to use your parents as an excuse to see you again.”

I didn’t know whether to laugh or to cry. “I thought you didn’t like him either?”

She rolled her eyes and let out a short sigh. “I don’t like that he’s still trying to be a rock star. I want him to grow up and get a real job. Of course, I like Nick as a person. He’s impossible not to like. I just hated that you were always so miserable, that you guys were always fighting. It had nothing to do with him. And I never suggested divorce. Honestly, I didn’t know you guys had even considered it.”

“He’s really good, you know. I mean at the band stuff.”

“Kate, I never said he wasn’t. I just… you know what I mean.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“So? What if Nick isn’t as pro-divorce as you first thought he was? What are you going to do then?”

“My lawyer asked me the exact same question. Along with a million others. And honestly I don’t know. If Nick is pro-divorce, the actual procedure doesn’t seem that difficult. It’s mostly paperwork and legal fees. We will have to go to court to finalize it, but everything before then can be handled by our lawyers. We can file for divorce together and split everything equally. Hopefully, I’ll take over the mortgage completely. I already pay it anyway. There are not that many bills to split outside of the house. He can take his things, I can take mine. Easy-peasy.”

“And what if he doesn’t want to do that?”

“Then it gets more complicated. I have to serve him the papers. They could show up at his work and deliver them like he’s some sort of criminal. It sounds awful.”

“So awful that you’re not going to go through with it?”

I looked at Kara and saw hope flicker in her eyes. Did she really think this was a bad idea? Or was she just trying to save me the hassle?

“Do you really think I’m making a huge mistake?” I tried to keep the accusation out of my tone, but I couldn’t hide it all. I felt suddenly betrayed.

She sucked in her bottom lip and then let it go, building herself up for whatever she needed to say. “Kate, the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. It’s not going to get magically better. You’re not going to find the perfect person and live happily ever after. Happily ever after doesn’t exist. It will never exist. Even if you go about this amicably, this divorce is going to be messy; it’s going to hurt Nick and it’s going to hurt you. It’s honestly going to tear you apart. I love you. I don’t want to see you go through all of that.”

“And what about my marriage? What if I stay in a relationship with Nick and we just fight for the rest of our lives? What if he never wants to grow up and despises me forever because I’m asking him to? What if he thinks I’m nothing but a nag and a dream-killer and a rotten, heartless witch? How do I live with myself if my husband thinks that?” My voice grew louder and more hysterical with every word. I was on the verge of tears and screaming and drowning myself in cheap tequila by the end of it.

Kara, despite my hysterics, leveled me with a serious look and said, “I don’t know, Kate. I don’t know what happens then and I don’t know what happens if you get a divorce. I just know that neither way is easy. And neither way is going to automatically make you feel better.”

My breath came in short, violent bursts and tears swam in my eyes. I heard someone at the door and knew that was my cue to leave. I gathered up my bags and without saying goodbye to Kara, I fled her office.

I didn’t have class for another fifteen minutes and the only thing I could think to do to fill the time was to call Nick.

Sure, I had papers to look at, lessons to plan for, I probably should have eaten something… but I needed to hear his voice. I needed to hear the certainty or uncertainty or whatever it was I was looking for.

I pulled out my phone and dialed his number. It rang for a long time and eventually kicked into voicemail. I let out an ugly curse that wasn’t at all appropriate for school and tried again.

And then again and again and again until I had found my classroom and locked myself inside.

I finally gave up and just stared at my screen, wondering where he was and why he wasn’t answering.

Had he gone to his own lawyer this morning? After yesterday’s performance on my parents’ lawn, I couldn’t blame him. Maybe he just didn’t want to talk to me. Maybe he wanted to avoid me for as long as he could.

I nearly screamed when my screen finally lit up and a

“Finally,” I hissed. But I pushed the right button and brought the phone to my ear. “Hey,” I said weakly.

“Kate?” He sounded confused and breathless. I could hear city noise and wind in the background as if he had just stepped outside.