Hate Me

“I’m glad you shared those things with me. And we saw the green flash together.”

“Close your eyes,” he says. “I want you to see these together.” I close my eyes and listen to him unwrap ornaments. “Okay, open.”

Lying on the table in front of me is a soccer ball, a four-leaf clover, an Eiffel Tower, and two dolphins jumping out of the water. I don’t want to be a big baby and start crying again, so I joke, “Hmm. I’m not sure what any of those mean.”

He kisses me deeply then says, “Fine. I’ll tell you. These are all about luck and fate. It was fate you kicked the soccer ball at my head and made me instantly fall for you. It’s fate that I’ll ask you to marry me someday. But it was luck that I found a four-leaf clover to give you, and every time we’ve given each other a clover, it’s helped us both be lucky. And it was luck that we got to see the dolphins. You’ve made me lucky.”

“You helped me make dance team. Gave me the glass clover before my speech. And drew one on my leg for the play. You’ve been sharing the luck.”

“So which one are we? Luck or fate?”

“I guess only time will tell, huh?”

 He nods. “Yeah, it will. So, only a few more. This one is about me.”

He pulls a Santa out of its box. This Santa isn’t holding a bag of presents, he’s holding a glass of wine and standing behind of a wine barrel with grapes on it.

“Your dream of owning a vineyard. That one I know.”

“How about this one?” he says, taking another ornament out. This one is an adorable yellow Labrador retriever puppy.

“You want this kind of dog someday?”

“Yep. You cool with that?”

“Yeah, I love dogs.”

“Perfect. Last one. Hold out your hands.”

I do what he asks and close my eyes. I’m sure he saved the best for last. He puts it gently in my cradled palms.

I open my eyes and see a flat scene of a sandy beach, a palm tree, the ocean, and the bright sun. “St. Croix?”

“Damian asked our family to celebrate Christmas with his family there. I wasn’t sure what your plans are, but I’d like to spend the holiday with you.”

“I’m not sure what I’m going to do. I need to talk to my mom about it.”

“I know. I just thought . . . I know they’ve been there before. Maybe your family could go too? I’d love to meet them.”

“I’d love for you to meet them, too. Aiden, I . . .”

I almost say it. Almost blurt out the truth. I want to tell him what happened. What’s going to happen. But I don’t. I don’t want to ruin this perfect day. I don’t want him to walk out on me.

It’s so selfish, I know. But there’s another big reason I can’t tell him.

He’d want to help, and I couldn’t take another photo of someone I love with the back of their head blown off.

“ . . . I, um, thank you for the tree. You have no idea how much this all means to me.”

“I’m glad. Let’s finish decorating.”

After we’ve decorated, we turn off all the lights except for the ones illuminating the tree and snuggle on the couch, staring at its beauty.

“Time for our bubble bath,” Aiden says about a half hour later.

I run the water, loading it up with bubbles, while Aiden goes to refill our wine glasses. He comes back in with a silver ice bucket and champagne instead.

I squint my eyes at him questioningly.

“Gotta have bubbly for the bubbles, right? I just corked the rest of the wine. We’ll have it tomorrow night.”

“Yeah, but if we’re go

“Wait, don’t finish that sentence.” He runs out of the bathroom and comes back with a little plate of chocolate truffles.

“It’s official. I do fucking love you,” I say.

“I fucking love you too. Now, let’s get naked.”

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 10TH

Lied myself into a corner.

6pm

We shop all day and then head back to my loft. We had a ball picking out a bunch of crazy puppets for my sisters, secret Santa gifts, and all sorts of presents for our families and friends.

Aiden wouldn’t let me see what he was buying for his naughty Santa, but I will admit, I peeked at his list. Part of it was written in some sort of godly code, but there was an M next to the naughty Santa, so I know he drew Maggie.

I can’t wait to see what he got her. Well, mostly to see what he considers naughty.

I was fortunate that when I had packages shipped to France, I was able to say that I didn’t want to have to travel with them. I told Aiden that I’m spending Christmas with my family, but I’m not.

I shouldn’t be anywhere near them. I mean, if I were Vincent, I would assume that Christmas would be the one time I’d be almost guaranteed to spend with my family. I feel bad that I lied to my mom, too. But I just can’t risk it.

It sucks because I’ve basically lied myself into a corner. I told Aiden I was going to France. That my mom needs me. I can’t just be like, Hey, I think I’d rather come to St. Croix with you. I can’t think of any logical reason why I wouldn’t go home. And because there’s no way I’ll actually go to France and put my family in danger, it means I’ll be spending Christmas here. In my loft. Alone.

But, on the bright side, I get to film some of the movie with Tommy before he leaves. I wish I could bring Tommy to my loft, but I’m afraid someone would follow him.

Then I’d be screwed. And not in the good way that Aiden’s earrings suggest.

Aiden goes to change into something for tonight while I’m putting my purchases away. He sweet-talked me into letting him keep some of his clothes here. I know his goal is to help me fill up my closet, but I told him to put his clothes in a guest room closet. As much as I’d like to have all his clothes hanging next to mine, all I can picture is me dead and Aiden coming here to get them. At least if they’re not in my closet, maybe it will spare him some pain.

He won’t even have to come into my room. Won’t have to see where we’ve slept. Where we’ve taken bubble baths. Won’t have to see all the clothes I’ve been saving for the rainy days that will never come.

Okay, Keatyn.

Stop with the whole death thing. It’s slowing your roll.

Like, if I was on a roll.

Whatever.

I need to be positive that the plan will work, and I’ll get my life back.

But, just in case, I told Aiden to keep the key.

He gave me a big smile and a sweet kiss, acting like we’d gotten engaged or something. Like the key made us official.

And, evidently, I looked freaked out by this, because he touched his hand to my heart and said, As long as we’re in each other’s hearts, we don’t ever have to label our relationship.

And, yes, the irony of that did not escape me. All I wanted last summer was for me and B to be official so I could shout it from my social media. Now I realize they’re both right.

It does only matter what’s in your heart.

The problem is that more than one boy resides there. One who is all wrapped up in my journey home. The other who is showing me that home is where you make it.

Aiden and I are going ice skating, to see the Rockefeller Christmas tree, and then to a trendy restaurant.

And after the hotness that went down last night—pun definitely intended—with me not in the undergarments I wanted, I’m going all out tonight. I start with a pink bra and panty set with black scalloped lace and opaque black thigh highs.

Over it, a shimmering flirty skirt in a gorgeous ice pink patterned lamé and a silk chiffon Rebecca Taylor sweatshirt. It will be adorable for skating—provided I don’t fall down and scuff the lamé—and still nice enough for di