Lying Out Loud

“But you’re in AP classes,” he said. “That seems like a lot of stress for someone who isn’t college-bound.”

“I know,” I agreed. “It’s not that I don’t want to go. But, I mean, how could I afford it?”

“Loans?”

“I don’t even live with my parents, and I just lost my shitty part-time job. Who in their right mind would give me a loan?”

“So what are you going to do after graduation?”

“I have no fucking idea.”

Once again, I was scared I might have said too much. That he’d realize I was a girl from a Podunk town with no future. But, just like in the park a few weeks ago, he didn’t seem fazed by this. He didn’t even let go of my hand. In fact, he gave it a soft, reassuring squeeze.

“Don’t tell anyone,” I said. “You’re the first one I’ve admitted that to. I haven’t even told Amy. She still thinks we might be able to go to school together, and I haven’t been able to let her down yet.”

“I won’t say anything,” he said.

“Thank you.”

His hand stayed in mine as we drove through the darkness. And it was still there when we pulled into the Rushes’ driveway ten minutes later.

“Thanks for the ride,” I said.

He was still holding my hand.

“Thanks for the fun afternoon,” he said.

He was still holding my hand.

“So you had fun playing dress-up, then?”

“Don’t tell anyone.”

He was still holding my hand.

It may have been the dead of winter, but it felt like the hottest summer day in that car. Every nerve in my body was on end. Every muscle I possessed was tense. Ryder and I were in a dark car, holding hands, and he was looking at me. Really looking at me. Staring at my eyes.

At my lips.

He had some nice lips himself.

He was about to kiss me. I knew it. I started to lean toward him. My eyes started to slip shut. And then —

He pulled his hand free, turned his head, and scooted away from me so fast that I wasn’t sure if I’d imagined everything that had come before.

“So … do you know if Amy has any plans for New Year’s?”

It was like he’d dropped a bucket of ice water over my head.

I was mortified.

And pissed.

I sat back in my seat and used my now empty hand to undo my seat belt. “Um … yeah. I think we already have plans. Sorry.” My voice was cold and brittle.

“Oh. Too bad.” He wasn’t looking at me. In fact, it looked like he was focusing very, very hard on the steering wheel.

“Right. Well, see you at school, Ryder.”

Before he could say another word — not that he would have — I got out of the car and hurried inside, slamming the door behind me.

Chapter 18

“We should do something,” Wesley said as he slid into the seat across from me.

“Could you be more specific?” Bianca asked. She was sitting next to him, sipping a Cherry Coke.

It was a couple of days after Christmas, and the four of us — Wesley, Bianca, Amy, and me — were spending an evening at the Nest, a local hangout popular with some of Hamilton’s high school population.

Amy and I definitely weren’t too keen on the place, but Wesley had insisted we go for “old times’ sake.” His old times, not ours. But alas, we’d caved in.

Wesley plucked a french fry from the basket in the middle of the table. “Winter break’s not that much longer. We should do something fun before we have to go back to New York.”

“I thought we were here because you thought it would be fun,” I said.

“It is.”

“We will agree to disagree.”

“Oh, come on. This place is great,” Wesley said. “They’re hiring, you know. Don’t you need a new job?”

“There’s not enough money in the world,” I said, cringing as a group of freshman girls squealed with delight as they ran through the front door.

“I’m with So

“Amy’s with me, though, right?” Wesley looked at his sister, who didn’t disagree but also refused to meet his eyes, which was telling enough. “Something is wrong with you three. Everyone else here agrees that this is the best place to hang out in Hamilton.”

“There’s not exactly competition for that title,” I pointed out.

Wesley ignored me. “You know,” he said, a wicked grin spreading across his face as he put an arm around his girlfriend, “this is the first place Bianca and I ever kissed.”

Bianca snorted, almost spitting out her Cherry Coke. “Um, it’s also the first place I ever threw a drink in your face.”

“Has that happened enough times to warrant a ‘first’?” I asked.

Bianca nodded, and Amy and I both burst out laughing. Wesley, however, pressed on, undeterred.

“I was serious before, though,” he said. “About doing something fun before school starts again.”

“Like what?” Amy asked.

“Like maybe we could throw a party?”

Bianca rolled her eyes. “Again,” she said. “Fun for who?”

“I don’t see you coming up with any better ideas.”

“Actually,” she said, “I think I have one. My granddad has a cabin down in Te

“Oh,” Amy said, perking up. “That sounds fun.”

“Actually, it does,” Wesley admitted.

I looked down at the surface of the table. It had been carved up over the years, names and dates and curse words cut into the wood. I focused on it, pretending to read as the three of them discussed plans to head down to Te

“We’ll leave on Thursday, then,” Bianca said. “A few days in the mountains. I’ll let Mom know. She’ll be thrilled that someone is finally using the place.”

“Is there a hot tub?” Wesley asked.

Bianca didn’t answer. “It’ll be cold, but it’s a gorgeous place to hike. So pack some boots if you have them.”

“I just got a new pair,” Amy said.

“Excellent. What about you, So

My head jerked up. “Huh?”

“Boots,” Bianca said. “Do you have some? If you don’t, I have an extra pair that might fit. What size shoe are you?”

“Oh. Size seven, but …”

The truth was, as close as I felt to Wesley, I didn’t know Bianca that well. I’d met her several times over the years, sure, whenever she and Wesley were home for holiday breaks, and I liked her a lot. We’d hung out plenty, but it was always with Wesley and Amy. She knew me through them, and I doubted she saw me as a friend. More like an occasional, not-entirely-unpleasant tagalong. I wasn’t someone she liked well enough to invite to her grandfather’s cabin. I’d assumed this discussion related strictly to the two Rush siblings at the table.

“But what?” Bianca said. “You’re coming with us, aren’t you?”

“If you want me to,” I said. “I just figured it would be the three of you. A family trip or something.”

“You are family.” Wesley said it like it was the most obvious thing in the world. Like it was something no one could deny. The sky was blue, the Earth revolved around the sun, and I was family.

I felt an embarrassing, unexpected lump rising in my throat. Luckily, Bianca chimed in before I had to.

“Of course you’re invited,” she said. “Do you think we’re assholes who would talk about the trip right in front of you if you weren’t?”

“No, but —”

“Besides,” she said, cutting me off. “Everywhere Amy goes, you go, right? You two are like a package deal.”

I glanced at Amy, who was selecting a french fry from the basket. Maybe we were a package deal, but lately, it hadn’t been a pretty package. She was still acting a little distant, and she practically shut down any time I mentioned Ryder, giving monosyllabic replies until she found a way to change the subject or a reason to leave the room.