Finding Me

Her sisters and mom were nearly as happy as I was to have her back. She isn’t the axis to their world like she is mine, but she is their sun, creating warmth and balance to the family.

I know Kyle was a little perturbed about my presence initially. He ignored me, refusing to acknowledge me for the first few weeks. Ace pleaded with me to allow her to talk to him, to try and explain things so he could understand. I assured her she was free to explain anything she wanted to him about her own experience, but that I wasn’t willing to try and justify anything I’d done. I knew that Ace forgave me for Erin, and for giving up on her, but I knew that Kyle never would, and I didn’t expect him to. It took me a long time, and multiple conversations with her, Landon, Hank, and eventually Fitz of all people, to be able to forgive myself. Kyle however forgave me first. We were at home for a long weekend, and although I hated being apart from her at night, I appreciated that she pla

I was installing a new mailbox for Muriel after some asshat knocked hers over in the middle of the night. She cried when she found it, and I didn’t know if it was because it held memories or because she didn’t know how to repair it herself. Kyle drove up and parked his truck beside me. I could feel him staring at me as he got out.

“She loves you.”

I turned to see his expression, because his words shocked the hell out of me, and I wanted to see if there was rage or something more behind it. There wasn’t. He was staring at me like Ace sometimes does when she’s trying to gauge how I’m feeling.

“I love her. I love her to the ends of the earth.”

He nodded a few times and then scratched his jaw, turning his attention to the mailbox. “I know you do. Don’t let her do that again.”

I nodded, unable to find words because his caused such an influx of fears to course through me I couldn’t articulate my own name.

After that, things became easier and easier between the two of us, yet the fear he awakened seemed to haunt me. Anytime Ace was late or didn’t reply instantly to a call or text, I started to feel a panic rise within me that I had to work to control so I didn’t come across as a controlling asshole.

When Ace came back that day in July, holding her Converse out to me, my muscles were so tightly wound as I waited for some kind of indication as to why she was standing there. As soon as I saw the envelope clutched in her hand, I said a silent prayer to David to help me, because if she was coming for any other reason, I wasn’t going to let her go. I’d have tied her to a chair until she was done processing. I knew Kendall wouldn’t have been opposed.

When she made it clear she was back and that she still loved me, I’d never felt happiness like that, it was like a giant glacier that had built around me melted.

I insisted Ace move in, reasoning with her that there was no point in wasting the money on a second place—I wasn’t going to stay without her. I wouldn’t. Money wasn’t a concern to her and she debated that I might need my space from her periodically. I assured her endlessly that I’d never get my fill of her and refused to even discuss the option again.

I came home to find my bed—now our bed—covered in an overstuffed chocolate comforter with white and green designs that she used the word embroidered to describe when she showed it to me.

For the longest time, I felt like she was living out of the most minimal space possible which had me keyed up. I was always terrified she’d change her mind, pack up and go, and Kyle’s words compounded that fear.

One day when she was bringing her shampoo and conditioner out of the bathroom to store in a tote like she lived in a dorm or something, I panicked.

I managed to raise my voice and sound pissed off for about ten words before I told her my fears in a much quieter voice. Neither of us had realized that I was so on edge.

After that, Ace stopped packing up her things. I even have a box of tampons in the cabinet under the bathroom sink, next to fingernail polish and makeup.

It took Ace nine weeks to go uncover what Clementine held, and she discovered a box in the trunk that I was shocked to find because of all the many times I’d worked on her with David, I had never seen it before. The box contained large manila envelopes for each of his daughters, and an accompanying one for each of the respective husbands or boyfriends in Jameson’s and my case.

I went outside to read mine that same night, and as I opened it, the wind shifted and I swear he was there with me in some way or fashion as I read it.

It took Ace an additional five weeks to read hers. I had woken up and reached my arm out and felt the cool, empty sheets meet my palm and looked over and saw her sitting on the floor, wearing an outfit that looked like she was ready to go out ru

Zeus was curled around her, his big box of a head lying on her lap. It took me a moment to realize large teardrops were rolling down her cheeks. She didn’t work to wipe them away as she clutched a paper in her hands, and I instantly knew what it was.

I remained still as a shadow, not wanting to interrupt her moment, but kept my eyes fixed on her as she read the letter and then put it down. She released a long breath and then smiled and picked it up and read it again.

She must have read the letter six times at least before she carefully folded it back up and returned it to its envelope and looked up to see me watching her.

She gave me a half smile and pet Zeus’s head before lifting it from her lap and padding over to me in her sock covered feet. Setting her letter down on the nightstand she climbed up into bed and straddled my waist, wiping one last tear from her cheek.

“I miss him. I miss him a lot still,” she said quietly.

“I know baby, I know you do. I miss him too.”

She nodded and folded in half, lying against my chest as I reached up and lightly traced circles on her back, a gesture that when returned made me squirm, but she found comforting. I felt her melt a little further into me.

Her hand traced over the tattoo on the inside of my bicep, my orange Chevelle with “Clementine” curving around the bottom that Landon and Jameson had gotten with me shortly after David had passed.

Weeks later, I’m still curious as to what Ace’s letter had said, David in his infinite wisdom has somehow managed to bring her back home and heal wounds that seemed so jagged and gruesome nearly overnight once she finally read her first letter. I haven’t asked though and won’t, I know from reading the rules and my own letter that these had been pieces of his heart. If she isn’t ready to share with me yet, it’s okay. I have her back, and there’s no way I’ll ever let her go again.

“I love the person I’ve become, because I fought to become her.”

-Kaci Diane

I’m probably going to get sappy because although this ride is far from over, having this chapter come to an end truly makes me feel nostalgic.

There is someone that has walked this long journey with me, and that is Lisa Greenwood. I met her online as a beta reader and rambled my way into her life where she will forever remain a main character. She is my friend, my sister, my honesty, my strength, and my biggest encourager. She holds my hand when I’m scared, and shoves me when I’m being wimpy. She comforts me when I’m sad, and smacks me when I’m being whiney. I love you, I love you, I love you.