Finding Me

It will hurt. It will hurt like hell, and I apologize from the bottom of my heart, but she’ll be lost in a way she never has been before. She’s going to question things, probably all things, and she’ll need to realize where her safety and comfort lies. You can’t tell her. You really can’t tell Ace many things. She has to feel it or experience it.

I wrote in her letter some advice that I hope will guide her and offer support, but Ace has always hated putting the last piece of the puzzle in; finality has always scared her, so I don’t know when she’ll read it.

She’s smart though, and she loves you more than she’s ever loved anyone. I dreaded losing Ace more than any of my girls because I feared losing my best friend, and I feared she’d never find someone that helped her become a stronger version of herself. But you, Max, I give you my Ace. I look forward to the day I get to walk her down the aisle and officially give you my daughter. If I’m not there, let her know I’m watching. I will always be watching out for the two of you.

Don’t let her scare you, Max, and don’t give up on her. She’ll be there, I guarantee it.

You can share this letter with her if you’d like. I’d like for you to when she’s ready so she can be reminded of my support and love for you guys.

Love,

Your father next door

PS

If I miss your first child—I pray this won’t happen but if I do—I want it on the record that I call it a boy.

Take care of my heart, Max. I’m leaving her in your hands.

I read the letter again as soon as I finish it as tears fall to my lap. After I read through it again, I look up at Max and wipe a tear away with my knuckle.

“God, I miss him.”

He nods and places a hand on my bare knee. “I know you do.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t know how to find myself here.”

Max shakes his head and releases a long breath. “I’m sorry I thought he was crazy. I should have waited. I should have gone and gotten you. I nearly did. I even bought tickets once. I didn’t know what in the hell to do because I didn’t want to force myself on you and have you run further, and yet after a while it seemed like you were never coming back.”

Another tear falls down my cheek and this time it’s Max’s finger that rises and brushes it away, and as he does I lean into it, savoring the warmth of his skin, and gentleness behind his touch.

“I love you, Ace. I love you so much it hurts. I want to be your home. I want to be everything for you.”

It feels like my soul and my heart are smiling. Everything that’s happened over the last year and a half has led me to this moment, to learning who I am. I know that I don’t need Max to support me in any way because Kitty’s taught me that I can do that for myself. I need Max to live though, and to breathe, because he’s what makes this trip worth taking.

I don’t wait another moment, I kiss Max with all of the love and passion, and desire that’s been stirring in me for what feels like years.

When we part, I focus on each of his features, tracing lines and planes that I have been seeing in my thoughts for the past year. Everything about him still feels familiar, everything but the hesitation I see lining his bright blue eyes, and the space between us that we both feel uncertain about crossing even though we’ve both professed our feelings. This is going to take time for us.

“We’re going to have to learn to trust each other again.” My voice is soft, but my conviction is firm. “I want to be the girl you fell in love with, but I’m worried. I’m worried that I’m not her anymore, because I’ve changed a lot this year.”

“If you’re more concerned about me…” Max’s bottom lip curves inward and his tongue slowly traces it as his eyes move over my shoulder for a few seconds before returning to mine “…you’re still the same person, Ace. You’re still strong, and fu

“I left. I get it.” My front teeth pull my bottom lip in to keep myself from saying anything for a second, and then I stop and talk myself through my thoughts. “I don’t think I ever understood how much your father leaving affected you. I should have. More importantly, I should never have run away.” My head shakes as the knuckle of my forefinger swipes my bottom lip dry. “I always thought with ru

“I wasn’t trying to replace you.”

“I know, you were trying to forget me.”

“I never could.” Max takes a short step forward, closing the uncomfortable gap between us. His hand slides along my jaw and settles against my cheek where I lean into it. “You were in my dreams…” his head shakes, “…nearly every night for so long.” His tongue wets his lips and his eyes drop again, like he’s ashamed or afraid to tell me more. “In my dreams it felt like you were really here. Like I was talking to you while experiencing us all over again. It was like some crazy illusion my mind made up so I could survive.”

“Si l’amour n’est qu’une illusion, alors qu’est-ce que la réalité? If love is nothing but an illusion, then what is real?” It’s a French proverb that hangs in my grandparent’s house in France, and for the first time in my life, I understand the words as I repeat them to Max.

“We can do this, right? We can go back to you and me.”

“I don’t think we ever stopped.”

Max’s head shakes. “Never.”

We hardly leave the confines of his room for the next four days, as we discuss all that’s happened in the time that we’ve been apart. Max explains that he basically failed his first year of medical school but managed to convince the dean not to kick him out of the program after he agreed to tutor college students in science and math courses that he had excelled in. I tell him about Kitty, working at the lab, and of Fitz, along with the ghosts that I’d brought with me when I left.

Between stories we become re-acclimated in every other way possible, spending countless hours into the night, and entire afternoons, kissing, touching, and making love to fill a thirst that seems impossible to quench. Few moments pass that we aren’t touching or lying against one another, dependent on one another.

Eventually we leave the boundaries of his room and spend a couple of days becoming reacquainted to our old routine with several new modifications. We spend time with Kendall, Jameson, Landon, and Wes, and now Tim. It’s so easy and natural that it confirms what I’ve already known for years, I’m in love with Max Miller.

I’ve found me, but I’ve always been his.

“Love doesn’t make the world go ‘round, Love is what makes the ride worthwhile.”

–Franklin P. Jones

After Ace returned, she took her time before finding out what secrets Clementine held. I didn’t push her. I knew that although she’d grown a lot in the time she’d been away, it didn’t make facing the loss of her father any easier. We spent several weeks doing nothing but spending time together. Many of those weeks were spent at our moms’, a concept that hurt us both to say aloud. Sunday di