Becoming His

“If you don’t understand it, do you really think I’m going to? When you told me that you wanted us to be close emotionally in case you did something to piss me off, this wasn’t the type of situation I had in mind. I told you, Max, I’m not this kind of person. If you wanted to make out with her, or do whatever in the hell else you did with her, then just respect me enough to end things.”

“Nothing else happened!” he yells. He takes a deep breath and hangs his head before I feel him looking at me again. “Ace, I’ve been honest with you from the begi

“I love you, Ace, and I know, I know that you love me. Please. Please, just let me explain!” I stop digging through another pile of clothes and turn my attention to him.

“I’ve known Lacey since I was sixteen. We dated off and on for a couple of years until I moved up to Alaska. She found out that I was home and stopped by in June. I hadn’t even seen you yet. You were still in France. When you and I started hanging out I was dating her. I tried ignoring you. I didn’t want to like you, but by then it was too late. We broke up at the end of June, long before you and I started dating because I knew I had feelings for you, and I knew that if I saw other people at the same time I’d screw things up.” Max pauses and looks at me for a response, and I feel steel walls erecting around me as I try to keep myself still and listen, looking unfazed.

“What about Felicia?”

“Felicia and I never slept together! I just needed a distraction from you. I explained this to you before we started dating. Then I gave you as much time as you wanted after you finally broke up with that fuck face, and during that time I didn’t see anyone else.”

I replay his initial statement, and the words hit me like a slap to my face. “You didn’t want to like me?” Before I can contemplate the reasoning, I begin mentally comparing myself to Lacey. I’m sure that anytime Lacey goes out, she’s put together, similar to my mom and sisters. I know the type well: hair, nails, and makeup pristine, always wearing cute and fashionable clothes that match her purse and accessories. I look down at my current sweatshirt and jeans and the tears begin to sting my eyes.

“No, I didn’t. You live next door to my mom, who’s best friends with your mom. And you’re smart, and fu

“I haven’t spoken to her since June, when we broke up.” I feel Max’s eyes on me, willing me to look up at him, but my tears threaten to fall and I really, really don’t want to cry here so I keep my eyes focused on a pile of clothes on the floor.

“I saw her at the party and told her to go outside so I could talk to her because I wanted her to get the fuck away. I didn’t want her causing problems between us.” He takes a step closer to me before he continues. “I told her that I had no interest in her anymore and that I was done.” Max stops and I hear him take a deep breath. “We used to do this thing in high school, that was so fucking stupid …” He pauses once more and without looking at him I know that he’s again ru

I don’t know what to think. I want to believe every word he’s telling me and pretend that none of this ever happened, but doubt is an ugly, bitter fog that is sometimes impenetrable. And right now that fog is thick and dense and is breaking my heart. Tears begin cascading down my cheeks before I can stop them in heavy trails. I slide to the floor and clutch a sweatshirt lying beside me to cover my face. Amazingly, I still have tears left to cry, enough that I begin to sob.

I feel Max’s arm wrap around my shoulders. At first I try to move away, but eventually I give up and allow him to hold me.

“Ace, I love you. I’ve never felt the way I feel about you about anyone else,” Max says softly as the tears slowly begin to recede. I sniff and wipe my face with his sweatshirt. My head throbs once again, and my eyes feel like sandpaper. I close them and the image of Lacey kissing Max instantly fills my mind. It’s been burned to the back of my eyelids since Friday.

“I need to find my school bag and purse,” I say in a small voice as I pull the sweatshirt from my face and stand up. As I do, I see the black strap of my purse near the corner of the bed. When I lift the clothes covering my purse, I discover my backpack as well, looking slightly smashed.

“Talk to me, Ace.” Max’s voice is a pleading whisper.

“I need to go, Max.”

“Stay, Ace. Just stay here,” he begs. “I just need you to stay with me. This ru

“Right now I just need to be alone.”

“I don’t want you to leave. I’m terrified that if you do, you’re going to go and think of every single reason you don’t think we’ll work and you’ll focus on those until you convince yourself that we can’t be together.”

I lift up his sweatshirt that I’d cried into and hold it out in front of me. “Consider this your collateral.”

I head to the door. I can’t make any other promises right now.

“Ace …” My name is a nearly plea on his lips.

“I just need some time, Max, and I really need you to respect that.” I turn and walk down the stairs with my bags and his sweatshirt in my arms, my face tight from crying again.

As I get halfway down, I see Jameson and Landon sitting silently in the living room, staring at me with a look of sorrow. I’m not sure if Landon heard everything. I thought he’d left, but regardless, their expressions confirm they heard enough.

None of us say a word.

Getting in my car, I slap on my sunglasses to hide my blotchy, tear-stained face and head back to my apartment.

I go to Kendall’s first. I don’t have any desire to share Lacey and Max’s past with her, but I want her to know that Jameson had no knowledge of the situation. She makes a few attempts to get me to discuss the details of my discussion with Max, but I dismiss them and insist she contact Jameson.

For the rest of the week I intently focus on school and preparing for finals; I don’t go to the track at all, not wanting to risk ru

Abby’s been staying with Jesse, but she comes home to be with me, and I ignore her so she doesn’t feel obliged to coddle me. The last thing I want to do is make everyone else suffer along with me. She ignores my attempts to shut her out and glues herself to my side, offering entertainment and distractions with getting out of the apartment and staying busy. I turn her down each time, and she rallies against me, putting in movies and lying in my bed with me each night.

Wes tries talking to me in class a few times, but I politely ignore him as well and make excuses for not going ru