Страница 28 из 37
Unsure of everything, I take the test, lay it on the counter, and leave the bathroom before the results appear.
The girls are waiting anxiously for me in the living room. Vivian, as promised, has a cup of Pepto waiting for me. I take it from her, guzzle the chalky substance down, and walk across the room to sit down. Their eyes follow me as I sit in the recliner.
“Well, what did it say?” Carly says, breaking through the silence.
“I don’t know, I haven’t looked. It’s sitting on the counter. I don’t think I can look.”
Carly and Vivian run to the bathroom, almost knocking each other down in the process. They slowly return with the test, their pale faces and wide eyes are all the confirmation I need.
“Positive, huh?” I say, shell-shocked from my new predicament.
Vivian lays the test on the coffee table, the two pink lines glaring at me…mocking me. The girls take up spots on the couch and loveseat, their shocked expressions matching mine.
“How are you holding up?” Campbell asks, reading my unease.
“What do you mean? This is fantastic!” Carly interjects enthusiastically. “You and Vivian, two babies. How wonderful!”
Campbell offers a me a look of sympathy. We all are aware of Carly’s struggles to get pregnant, and now her marital issues. To not only show a lack of enthusiasm but to inform her I’m not sure if I’ll be keeping the baby will be like a slap to the face. It will hurt her deeply, but I have to remember this is my situation, not hers.
“Carly, hun, I need to think things through before I make any decisions about this baby.”
Her faces scrunches, her disapproval written all over it. “What do you mean, decisions? You would consider not having it?”
“Easy guys,” Vivian warns. “This is all a bit of a shock; we shouldn’t let our emotions run away with us.”
“No,” she snaps. “There are people in this world who want nothing more than to have a child but can’t, myself included. Yet here you sit with the greatest gift in the world, and you don’t want it.”
“I didn’t say that, Carly,” I defend myself. “I just found out I didn’t lose my daughter. I need to think about if I can handle all of this on my own. Besides, you’ve always been the first one to point out how irresponsible I am and what a terrible mother I would be. Shit, you don’t even want to send Olivia with me on the camping trip.”
“Wait, what do you mean, do it alone, Jen? What about Casen?” Cam inquires. “He’s not the type of guy to let you do this by yourself.”
I’m under a microscope and the scrutiny is becoming extremely uncomfortable. I stand and move to the window, wishing like hell it would open up and the breeze would carry me away from this conversation.
“Jen, what about Casen?” Vivian presses.
I spin around to the group, my patience wearing, my emotions frayed. “Either way, I’m not telling him.”
”What! Why not?” Vivian asks, scooting toward the end of the loveseat.
I sigh and take a seat on the edge of the coffee table, my eyes burning a hole in the beige carpet below my feet. “What kind of person would I be if I told him and put him in a position to choose between the two things he’s always wanted?” I look up and focus my attention on the one person I think will understand me the most. “I love him, Campbell. I love him enough to let him go,” my voice is a mere whisper as emotion chokes my throat. Losing Casen would feel like suffocating, but I can’t take his dream from him either. I know no matter what I say, he would give up music to be with his family.
Campbell slides closer to me and covers my hands with hers. Her voice is soothing, understanding. “Jen, I would never tell you what to do. However, if you love him, don’t you think he deserves to know? What kind of person would you be if you took the choice away from him? “
Vivian stands and moves over to the coffee table to sit beside me. “We are here for you, no matter what, doll. We love you,” she says, placing her hands on Campbell’s which are still resting on mine.
Everyone looks to Carly, who’s been silently hanging back since our emotional eruption. Finally, she slides up next to me on the opposite side of Vivian and rests her hands on the pile. “Jen, you are the most loyal, loving person I know. You are stronger than anyone I know. If there was anyone who could handle all of this, it would be you. But don’t ever think you would do this alone, we will always be there for you. You need to know, hun, I believe in you…we believe in you.”
And just like that, my girls restored my faith in myself. I was going to be a mom, and for once I felt excited about hearing the word.
Jen
What a difference a picture can make. When I had the first sonogram of Abby done, I didn’t even look at it. I didn’t want to get attached to something I couldn’t have. Things are different now. Seeing this baby’s image on the screen and holding the image in my hand, all of the indecision I had a few weeks ago has evaporated. All doubts have transformed into butterflies, which are taking up residence in my stomach; I’m overcome with an excitement I’ve never experienced, and wouldn’t trade for anything.
The second I enter my quaint, little apartment, a place I’ll have to leave soon if I plan on having two children living with me, I enter the kitchen and stick the ultrasound picture on my refrigerator with my favorite X-rated magnet. My naked man-tini will be the first of many things in this apartment, which will need to go when I childproof my previous life from the space.
A faint knock at the front door draws my attention from the picture of my little jellybean. I still can’t believe I already have such an emotional attachment with something which really does look like a jellybean. I told Campbell I would text her after the appointment, but it doesn’t surprise me that one of the girls would show up here to hear all about it. There’s another knock as I walk across the living room to the door. Unlocking the deadbolt and swinging it open, I’m shocked at who is actually standing on the other side of the doorway.
“Hello, Mother.”
I try to examine her appearance as a clue as to what she’s doing here. I haven’t spoken to her in years, and there is no reason I can think of for her una
Her Chanel pantsuit is freshly pressed and there isn’t a hair out of place. Nothing about her appearance looks any different from the last time I saw her, except for one noticeable difference. Her iceberg of a wedding ring is missing. She used to flaunt it as a status symbol…this is who I’m married to and this is what he bought me. Her marriage is all she’s ever had. To see her without the ring is alarming.
“I’m sorry to show up like this, I don’t have your phone number. Can I come in?” She looks uneasy and nervous that I may close the door on her, and for a moment, I consider just that.
“Sure,” I quietly say, moving to the side to allow her entry.
She wanders into the living room, examining my pictures, ru
“What are you doing here?” I question before she gets too comfortable.
“I left your father, and I wanted to let you know.” I sense her unease with not only saying the words, but embracing her new single life.
I sit down on the couch across the room from her, preparing for the massive explanation, which will be coming my way. My mother was happy to look the other way for many years; I can’t imagine what the final straw was which prompted her to leave a life she loved.