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Gathering every bit of courage I can find, I slowly take the twenty steps to the dressing room door. Before I can change my mind, I turn the knob and open the door. Taking the first step into the room, I let fate take over from there.
“Hi, sweetheart,” my aunt says, rushing to me and pulling me into her arms. “I’m so glad you came back.”
“I just needed a minute, but I’m ready now,” I tell her quietly. “Does she know about me?” I ask her, afraid of what the answer might be.
“Jen, honey, she knows everything. She is so excited to meet you.” Her reassurance provides so much relief. The knot in my stomach loosens and for once, I think I can actually go through with this.
Maggie takes my hand and guides me to the couch, where my daughter is patiently yet nervously waiting for me. It’s amazing how much she looks like me. Her brown eyes and blonde hair remind me of myself at her age and I’m overwhelmed with grief for all the things in her life I missed out on. First steps, first words, first day of school. I missed it all. I’m jealous of my aunt’s involvement in Abby’s life, and simultaneously I’m thankful that she cared enough to do what she did for me.
Maggie lightly grabs Abby’s hand and pulls her up from the couch so we’re face-to-face. “Jen, this is your daughter Abby. Abby, sweetheart, this is your mom.”
Maggie’s introduction was so simple, yet her words hit me like a giant freaking boulder. I’m a mom. I never let myself even consider the words before, because the label was taken from me. But Maggie has given it back to me. I’m Abby’s mom and I’ve never wanted anything more.
I reach out my hand to shake hers, unsure of what the situation calls for. I want to hug her, I want to tell her I’m sorry this happened to us. Yet I don’t know where the boundaries are and I don’t want to mess this up. Instead of the momma bear hug I want to give her which would rival Vivian’s, I reach my hand out like an olive branch, hoping forgiveness finds its way to the other end.
Though, instead of a hand, Abby jumps into my arms, wrapping her little arms around my waist and squeezing so hard it knocks the wind out of me. “I’m so glad you’re here, Mom,” Abby says excitedly.
I place my hands on her head and smooth her wild hair down with tears ru
As angry as I was with Casen for intruding on this, now that I’m holding Abby in my arms all of my rage has disappeared. I don’t know how to thank him for forcing me to take the leap I’m not sure I would have done on my own. He helped return the most valuable thing I’ve ever lost, and I wish he was here to be a part of the homecoming. I can never thank him enough for bringing my daughter back to me. He created a family for me, and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to repay the debt.
Jen
“Am I understanding this correctly? Casen found your aunt’s letter about the daughter you were forced to give up for adoption, who your aunt actually hid instead and he arranged a reunion for you all?” Vivian asks, throwing herself onto her plush loveseat and digging into a bag of Snickers.
I nod, insecure about my friends’ reactions to my tainted past.
“And you haven’t seen him since that night?” Carly adds, throwing a few Skittles into her mouth.
“He’s texted me and I’ve texted back, but I haven’t seen him. I don’t know what to say. I’m thankful for what he did, but I’m embarrassed at the same time. I never told him about Abby. I’ve spent the last decade trying to forget she existed. I never in a million years thought I would have a chance to see her again, let alone be her mother.” The entire situation has made me physically sick. This week away from him has plagued my body to the point I think I’ve caught the flu.
“So, is she going to come live with you? What’s the plan?” Vivian asks.
I slide off of the couch onto the floor and bury my face in my hands. I’m sure I’ve smeared whatever makeup is left on my face. “We’re taking things slow. We have some visits pla
My stomach rumbles and a wave of nausea hits me. I knew I should have stayed home; Brooks will kill me if I get his pregnant wife sick.
Vivian unwraps a Snickers and hands it to me. “Here, hun, chocolate makes everything better.”
I pop the little morsel in my mouth, but the instant my taste buds recognize the velvety milk-chocolate, the slight nauseous feeling from a few minutes ago escalates which forces me to test my indoor track skills. Without a word, I stand and sprint to the bathroom to rid myself of not only the Snickers but also the few saltine crackers I had managed to keep down.
I feel a cool washcloth on the back of my neck and then a bottle of water is placed on the floor next to me. Through the haze of my misery I hear Vivian’s voice, “Are you okay, hun?”
I use the cloth to wipe my neck and face before taking a drink of the cold water to calm my burning throat. “This whole situation has me so upset. I think I’m coming down with the flu.”
Expecting nothing less, Vivian feels my forehead for fever. “You don’t feel warm, are you sure it’s the flu?” she says, helping me off the floor. She puts the toilet seat down and helps me sit down.
“Of course,” I insist. “All week I’ve been worn down and tired and I can’t keep anything down. My throat doesn’t hurt so I don’t think it is strep. Even the smell of my lattes make me sick, so I’ve had the worst caffeine headache the last few days.”
Vivian begins to rummage through her medicine cabinet above the sink, and I’m hoping she finds a bucket of Pepto Bismol and a bottle of aspirin. I’m stu
“A pregnancy test? Really, Viv? I need to rest for a few days and I’ll be fine.”
Vivian ignores my protest and begins unwrapping the packaging. “Jen, do you realize how many of these I’ve peed on? I’ve given birth to two babies and am pregnant with another, I think I’m familiar with the symptoms of pregnancy. Plus, I’ve known you long enough to know the signs of denial.”
She hands me the stick and smiles gently. “Just pee on the damn stick.”
I snag it from her hand with an eye roll. “Fine,” I relent. “If it will make you feel better.”
Vivian opens the door to give me a little privacy and as the door opens Carly and Campbell, who have apparently been eavesdropping, fall into the doorway of bathroom.
“Holy shit, Jen,” Carly shouts, staring at the test in my hand.
“Sorry,” Cam offers. “We just wanted to make sure you were all right.”
Vivian pushes them both out of the room and begins to close the door. “We’ll be right out here when you’re done; I’ll even have the Pepto ready for you.” She closes the door and leaves me with the stick of fate.
Holding it in my hand, I mentally run through my womanly calendar. When the dates play through my head, I realize the likelihood the result of this test probably won’t be what I expected. I’ve been so consumed with the situation surrounding my aunt and daughter, I hadn’t noticed I was not only sick but also late.
Worry overtakes me. I just found out about my daughter, adding an infant seems like more than I can handle. Even my friends know I’m anything but maternal. One of the reasons I gave Carly my cat was because I kept forgetting to feed it. I don’t have plants because every plant I’ve brought into my apartment has shriveled up and died from lack of water. Hell, I have like ten half-used bottles of vitamins because I can’t remember to take them every day.
Then there’s Casen to think about. He just got a record deal. How fair would it be to throw a baby into the mix? I know how much he wants a family, and as much as he loves music, he would probably give up the deal for a baby. I don’t think I could let him do that.