The Redhead Revealed

But then, his arms straightened, and I found myself back where I was when I’d first walked in: alone.

“I can’t do this, Grace. I can’t just see you and hold you and have everything go back to the way it was,” he said, his eyes roaming over my face and body.

When they finally came back to my eyes I saw such hurt there, and…anger?

“I’ve been trying to decide what I wanted to say to you for weeks now. I was so angry with you, Gracie. I am so angry with you.” He sighed and turned from me, ru

“I know. You have every reason to be angry with me, but if I can just—” I started.

And he snapped.

“Dammit, Grace. I don’t want to hear it! If I have to listen to you say again that we aren’t right for each other, I’ll seriously lose my shit. Do you have any idea what it was like to hear that from you? Now, you’ll sit there, and you’ll listen to what I have to say,” he instructed, and pointed to the chair across from his.

Surprised by his vehemence, I sat and waited for what I surely had coming to me. I owed him that. I owed him more.

He began to pace, and I was struck again by how hurt he was. I had truly broken his heart.

“What you did that night…was thoughtless, and so cruel. And I don’t mean choosing the worst possible night for your little flip-out, I mean ending this relationship without even discussing it with me. What we’ve gone through, what we’ve shared—Jesus, Grace, if that meant so little to you that you couldn’t even try to explain your feelings to me, well, that makes me question everything I thought you felt for me. Maybe you never really loved me.”

He choked out that last bit, and with that I was out of the chair and in front of him.

“No! That’s not true, I—” I started, and he looked at me fiercely.

“Grace, seriously. I really need you to shut up right now and let me get this out,” he warned.

I fell silent again, returned to my chair, and nodded for him to continue.

“But then I realized that was too easy. That was bullshit. Because I know you, Grace, and I know you loved me. I know you still love me. Whatever it is you think is too much to get around, or push through, or work past, I know it isn’t—because you love me. And, fuck me, but I love you too,” he said, and abruptly stopped pacing. He looked me square in the eye, his green eyes blazing.

“So if you think for a second I’m going to let you end this without giving me a legitimate reason, you are truly crazier than I thought. I’m in this thing with you, a willing participant, and you can’t decide for both of us. Not anymore,” he finished, and we stared at each other.

I watched as his face darkened with tension, waiting for me to argue with him.

“Can I say something? Please?” I asked, and his eyes grew dark as well. I hated myself for hurting the person in the world I loved more than anyone else. The one that was made for me.

“I think you damn well better,” he huffed, slouching into the chair across from me.

I took a deep breath, knowing I needed to come clean on everything.

“You’re absolutely right that I can’t make decisions like that for both of us. You’re also right that I was cruel. I’m sick over what I put you through. I was and am so proud of you, and I hate to think I ruined your big night. It was childish and reactive and wholly inappropriate,” I said. “And most importantly, I am very, very sorry.”

He nodded in agreement, and I continued.

“I need to try to explain why I said the things I said, why I decided the things I did. Maybe that will help you understand the true level of crazy you’re dealing with here,” I said, and he smiled briefly at the word “crazy.” I allowed myself one tiny swell of excitement at the thought he might let me be his Crazy again, then I launched in.

“See, Jack, the thing is, when I came to L.A. the first time, well, things didn’t go exactly according to plan,” I began, and as I told my story, I lived it again. I saw it all happen and went through the emotions of realizing I was not nearly as special and unique as I’d thought I was. I remembered how I came to the difficult decision to leave L.A.

“Holly nearly throttled me, she was so mad,” I said, feeling the waves of self-loathing all over again. “She called me a quitter and told me she couldn’t believe I was giving up so easily. Part of me knew she was right, but part of me also believed that for me, at that time in my life, L.A. wasn’t right. Show business wasn’t the right place for me. So I went home. And I went back to school.”

I told him all about the work I discovered for myself. How I enjoyed the writing and the educational details I worked on with clients. I told him how that was good enough for a while, but then I started to change.

“I worked all day and all night, but from home. I could go days without actually seeing anyone, and while the relationships I had with my clients were good, I kept myself very isolated,” I said. “I, well, I put on some weight. And then some more weight, and, well, eventually—you saw my picture. I stopped dating. I didn’t allow myself to meet anyone or take a chance on anything. Holly came home to see me once, and even though she never said anything, I knew she was disappointed in me,” I said, thinking back to the sad look she had when she saw me for the first time in years.

“She’d caught herself and recovered quickly, and we went on to have a wonderful girls’ weekend. But I could still feel the awkward pain of knowing that when she thought I wasn’t looking, she was looking. She was watching, and she was worried. But I made myself forget it. I pushed it down and away and continued on with my life, such as it was.

“Jack, I was so introverted at that point—all the stuff you say you love about me? The crazy? You wouldn’t even have recognized me back then, and I don’t just mean physically.” I sniffed, the tears begi

“Eventually I realized leaving L.A. had been harder for me to deal with than I thought. It represented all the things I grew up wanting, but when they didn’t come easy, I quit. Holly was right: I was a quitter. And to ignore that, to push that down, I coped the only way I knew how. I just withdrew. And as the layers of protection added up, I shut down. I don’t know what I would have done or what I would have become if it wasn’t for one random night—a totally random night that my few friends dragged me out.” I sniffed again, feeling my emotions threaten to overwhelm me. But I welcomed them, as it meant I was feeling something again.”

I told him about going to see Rent and how it had reawakened something inside me. How it changed me, altered my course, reminded me of who I was, and revealed who I’d let myself become. As I talked about the power I felt, sitting in that theater, Jack’s face came alive and he nodded. He seemed to know exactly the feeling I was talking about. I explained how that night, that one night, had become the catalyst for everything in my life to change. In the following weeks and months I started counseling, began working with a trainer, and began to allow myself to dream about the life I’d always wanted again.

“And even though you might not want to hear this part, at that point I hadn’t been on a date in years—I mean years! When I started to feel better about myself, and I began to look more like myself again, I found I enjoyed being in the company of men again, and that I could experience dating in a whole new way…I might have gone a little crazy,” I added with a shy smile.

He just gri

I told him our relationship had taken me by surprise, and I was unprepared for how completely he’d captured my heart and loved me, crazy and all. I told him I loved him so intensely it scared the shit out of me.