More Than This

“No, I mean, I know I didn’t show that to you, and I’ll forever hate myself for that. But you need to know, I loved you so fucking much. I still love you. Whenever I look at my future, it was always you,” he pauses and takes a few breaths.

I’m crying silent tears. Because I know. I know what he’s talking about, I had felt it too.

“When I thought about my life…” he continues, “You were the one walking down the aisle towards me, raising our kids. I always smiled to myself when I thought about it, that it was you that was going to be there for me every night, when I got home from work, you in your study, writing your books. A few kids, a decent house. It was perfect in my mind. You were perfect. You are perfect and I threw it all away, because I’m such a fucking asshole, and I can’t take it back.” He starts sobbing now. His head on my shoulder. “I can’t fucking take it back, and I can’t have you back, and all of this… this life I have, none of this shit is worth it, not without you. And I fucked it all up… ” he trails off.

I pull his body off me.

“I should get back, they’re probably wondering where I am.”

He nods his head once, wiping his tears away with the back of his hands.

“I’ll walk you back.”

***

When we get back to our bonfire, I sit down in my chair, a little emotionally exhausted from the whole thing. Logan takes a seat next to me. James eyes him for a second, nods his head towards Logan, “Matthews,” he greets.

“Asshole,” Logan replies.

Logan turns to face me, “I got a song for you, Micky.” He presses the remote for the speaker dock and ‘Everybody Knows’ by Dustin Tavella starts playing. I chuckle to myself, because the chorus is about your boyfriend cheating and being a douchebag.

Heidi and Lucy get up to dance and James just shakes his head.

“You’re kind of a dick, Matthews,” he grunts at Logan.

Logan sits back in his chair, adjusts his legs by putting one foot on the knee of the other, links his fingers behind his head, and, like a boss, says, “And. Not. A. Single. Fuck. Was. Given.” Causing bursts of laughter throughout. I shouldn’t laugh but it is fu

***

After a few minutes I realize Jake isn’t here. I scan the crowd for him and see him, talking to a girl, a ridiculously beautiful girl.

My jealousy kicks in and I try not to stare but I can’t help it.

They’re standing so close to each other, without actually touching.

Slowly, he raises his hand to put a stray piece of hair behind her ear, she grabs his hand and squeezes it for a second, smiling up at him.

When she lets go of it, he puts it in his pocket.

Probably to stop himself from ripping off her clothes and having his way with her.

He sure as shit isn’t having it with me.

I close my eyes and inhale deeply. The buzz from the alcohol slowly making it’s way to my brain.

“Hey, Marisa’s here!” Creeper Derek a

Lucy and Heidi look back to me and I just shrug. Because really? What the fuck can I do?

“Fuck, she looks more hotter now than ever,” Derek says. “If that’s even fucking possible.”

The ache in my heart tightens just a little bit.

“Who’s Marisa?” I have to know.

“His girlfriend.” Derek answers.

“I wouldn’t say she’s his girlfriend. Or was…” Cam looks at me curiously.

“Fuck, they were just starting to get their shit together. What the fuck happened?” Derek muses to himself. “They were supposed to go to prom together right? I remember the whole school talking about it for like, weeks beforehand.”

Heidi clears her throat, “She had to go to a modeling thing in New York last minute.” She eyes me with a sorry look on her face.

“That’s right!” Derek, asshole. “Shit, the star rookie and the supermodel. It’s like a match made in heaven.”

And at that, I stand up and walk away, from that asshole Derek, from Jake's friends, from Jake, and this whole fucking night.

Chapter 33

*Mikayla*

I’m sitting on a log in the woods sobbing like a 12 year old girl because my stupid crush likes the hot chick.

What did I expect?

Jake Andrews is a whole other level, he gets supermodels.

“Hey,” a timid voice greets.

Heidi and Lucy walk towards me.

“So that’s Jake's girlfriend, huh? Ex? Or whatever?”

Heidi nods.

“Jesus, she’s not attractive at all. He could do so much better.” I scoff out, my voice laced with sarcasm.

They giggle a little.

“At least tell me she’s stupid, or a horribly mean person, or she used to be fat or something, anything,” I beg.

Lucy spits out, “I wish I could, Micky, but that fucking bitch has it all, ten out of ten every fucking thing. She’s super smart. Like, fucking Harvard smart. She’s nice to fucking everybody. She’s always looked like the cover of a fucking magazine and I hate it so much and if I could get away with it I’d fucking cut a bitch for you.”

My eyes widen and a small laugh escapes.

Heidi shakes her head. “She’s a mean drunk.”

“And a profane one, too,” I add.

Quiet fills the air for a few minutes.

“Look,” Heidi says. “Lucy is right, she’s actually a really nice girl. But he doesn’t like her, not in that way, not the way he likes you.”

I think for a minute.

He has never mentioned her. Not even once.

But if she wasn’t out of town that night, and she was his date to prom, then where the fuck would that leave me?

“I’m fine, guys. You should get back to the party. I just need a few minutes to clear my head.”

“You sure bitch? It’s the last time before we’re all thrown out in the real world. Don’t let fucking stupid shit get you down… fucking…” I love drunk Lucy.

I laugh and nod, and they leave.

***

Five minutes later I walk back to the clearing towards our bonfire. Jake is back in his seat and Marisa is there with him. Not with him, but she’s sitting in the circle, while Derek drools over her.

Great.

I get back to the bonfire and sit in the bed of the truck. I don’t take my spot next to Jake, or his lap, it just doesn’t feel right.

Logan hands me a beer and I take it.

I see jake eyeing me, but I don’t care.

He never mentioned her, not once in the last 3 months.

All I am to him is some stupid girl he took pity on and now can’t get rid off.

And he has supermodel ex girlfriends.

And I need more beer.

Logan cuts me off after my third beer in ten minutes.

Valid.

***

I’ve been sitting here for I don’t know how long and I can see James watching me. His friends, which were also my friends, are about 20 yards from us. He can see me, I can see him. But he watches me, and I’ve seen him get up and grab no less the 15 beers in the last hour. He must be wasted. And he never gets wasted. Ever. His head has dropped forward between his shoulders and he can barely sit up straight. This is not like him at all. He’s going to pass out and none of his dickface friends are going to take care of him when he does.

I jump down from the truck and head towards him. Even an asshole like him deserves to get home safe.