Better Off Friends

There wasn’t much that scared her. She was the strongest person I’d ever known. And I’m not talking about the kind of strength that’s measured by the number of reps someone can perform.

I’m talking about being fearless. About standing up for yourself. About not caring what people think.

Yet something was scaring her. There was a reason she bolted and didn’t make one of her jokes.

But I couldn’t put my finger on it.

Or, more accurately, I didn’t want to get my hopes up.

“California!” Keith patted my shoulder during the dance. “Give me warning if you hit the dance floor. You know my moves can’t be contained.”

“Thanks,” I mumbled.

“What’s his problem?” he asked Stacey.

She shrugged. I knew I should’ve acted happy to be there, for her sake. I knew I should’ve done a lot of things.

As I surveyed the group of friends around me, I thought about how much I’d wanted this when I’d first moved here. A group of friends. To be part of the popular crowd. To be one of the top athletes.

That’s what I’d thought I wanted.

But now I knew that what I wanted and what I needed were entirely different.

I didn’t have to decide between this life or Macallan. I knew that. But I did have a choice to make: to sit there and pass by something important to me or go to Macallan and tell her how I felt. And make her listen. I knew the risk I was taking. There was a strong possibility that she would leave and spend senior year at the International Space Station.

But she’d paused when I asked her if she wanted to go to the dance. She’d known that wasn’t exactly what I was asking. But she hadn’t said no. She’d paused, and in the pause I knew that maybe, just maybe, she felt the same way I did.

I had to stop pretending and go after what I wanted. What I needed.

“Stacey,” I said lightly. This was going to suck. “I’m really sorry, but I need to go.”

She nodded like she was expecting it. “Macallan?”

She knew. Everybody knew. All those times people asked us if we were together, or teased us that we acted like an old married couple, it was because everybody saw what we were both too stubborn to see.

I opened my mouth to reply, but couldn’t find the right words to say. How could you tell someone you really think she’s great but you’re in love with someone else?

“It’s okay,” Stacey said. “I’ve been expecting this for a while.”

“I don’t want you to think this has anything to do with you.” I felt guiltier with each word.

“I know. I mean, seriously, Levi?” She actually smiled. “We all knew that you’d eventually end up with Macallan. I guess I should be offended, but maybe I read too many romance novels to not want to cheer for the two best friends. And you know, we had fun. You were nice to me.” She shrugged.

I guess that showed how much our relationship meant to either of us, that it could be summed up with a shrug of the shoulders.

“I’m going to get back to …” She motioned toward her friends on the dance floor. “Good luck.”

“Thanks.” I was going to need it.

I hobbled to the exit, wishing I could rip the brace off and run to her. The cold February air hit my face as I realized I didn’t have a ride to her house. I called her, but she didn’t answer her phone. I called the Dietzes’ home number and still got no answer. I didn’t want to ask my mom or dad to drive me around. It felt almost too personal.

Suddenly, I knew exactly who I could call. The one person who would help me out, no matter what. And do it with a smile on his face.

Adam pulled up less than ten minutes after I called him. He hadn’t asked me a bunch of questions. I’d told him I needed a ride and he’d asked where I was.

“Hey, Levi, how you doing?” He popped out of the driver’s seat to help me into his car.

“Great. Thanks so much, Adam.” He made sure I was all the way in before he slammed the door.

“Do you need to go home?” he asked.

“I really need to talk to Macallan. Do you know if she’s home?”

He shook his head, then put the car into drive. “There’s only one way to find out.”

Mercifully, Adam stayed quiet on the short drive to Macallan’s house. We pulled up and noticed that a couple of lights were on in the living room. Adam helped me out of the car and used his keys to let us in.

“Macallan?” he called out. My heart was beating so fast.

No answer.

I tried her phone again and heard it ringing. I followed the noise to the kitchen table, where the phone sat unattended.

Adam joined me in the kitchen. “She’s not upstairs. I checked the closet, and her coat’s gone. Do you want me to call her dad? He’s working late tonight.”

“No.” The last thing I needed was Mr. Dietz getting a call that Macallan was missing.

Everybody else was at the dance. So it wasn’t like she was hanging out with Danielle. Wherever she was, she was by herself. Maybe she needed to get some fresh air and think.

Then it hit me: I knew exactly where she was.

“Adam, can you take me to Riverside Park?”

I couldn’t bear being stuck at home by myself while everybody else was at the dance. It wasn’t like I’d never spent a Saturday night home alone, but there was something that set my nerves on edge that night.

And that something was Levi.

I needed to clear my head, so I went for a walk. Nothing helped. I thought I was being random with each turn I took, but then I found myself at Riverside Park.

I sat on the swings and rocked myself back and forth. What I thought would give me comfort made me feel worse. I felt more alone than ever without Levi there to push me.

I always felt a little alone without him near me.

At first I thought my mind was playing tricks on me when I heard his familiar shuffle. I assumed it was my longing for him that had manifested into what I was hearing.

Then I heard his voice.

“Macallan?”

She paused for a second before she slowly turned around.

“Levi? What are you doing here? Why aren’t you at the dance? Was that Adam’s car that just drove away?”

“Yeah.” I know I only answered her last question because I had no idea what to say to her. “Can we talk?”

She helped me to the picnic bench, the same one we’d met at a few months before. We sat down and my body instantly tensed up from the cold.

“I have something I need to tell you,” I said, “and I really need you to hear me out before you say anything … or run away to Ireland.”

I was expecting a snarky comment or a scared look on her face. All she said was “I promise.”

At this point, I realized there was no going back.

So I took a deep breath.

“I left the dance because I wasn’t with you. You and I both know I’ve been an idiot these last few months. All along I thought that what I wanted out of my high school life was to be with the guys, to have a girlfriend, to be on a team. But even when I had those things, I didn’t feel complete. And that’s because I’m not complete without you.”

I couldn’t take it anymore. “Levi, stop. Please.” I knew I’d promised not to say anything, but he needed to hear what I had to say.

“I know,” I told him. I looked down at the ground — for some reason, I didn’t think I could say everything if I had to look at him. “I know what you’re going to say because I feel the same way.”