Better Off Friends

Alex got quiet. “I’m sorry we didn’t hang out much after.”

Alex’s mom had joined the parade of casseroles after the funeral. She’d come by every now and then to check up on me, but then life happened. People got busy.

A smile spread across his face. “I do remember being shocked the first time I saw you freshman year. It was like, ‘Is that little Macallan Dietz? She’s all grown up!’ ”

I recalled passing Alex in the hallway a few times, and how we’d smile and say hi to each other. But the first time we’d had a real conversation in years was when he spotted me in line at the grocery store.

Alex continued. “And then I couldn’t believe you had that boyfriend. What was his name — Lewis?”

“Levi?”

“Yeah, Levi. He’s a great ru

“No, nothing really ended.” A look of concern flashed on Alex’s face. “Because we never dated. We’re just friends. Well, not just friends. He’s my best friend. He has been for almost five years.” Give or take a few months of cold feet and cold shoulders.

“Oh.” Alex looked confused.

I was honestly so tired of this conversation that I looked down at the menu and pretended to be really interested in the specials listed.

“Do you know what you want to get?” Alex asked. Probably also grateful to change the subject.

“I think so. Do you want to get cheese curds to start?”

He wrinkled his nose in disgust. “Yuck. I know, how very un-Wisconsin of me, but I don’t like those things.”

“Oh, okay.”

“But feel free to get some.”

Usually, Levi and I would split the appetizer, so it would be too much for only me. Even if I did like my fried cheese.

Alex reached into his pocket for his phone. “Sorry — I keep getting texts from my buddies. They’re giving me grief for going back to my high school for a dance.” He scrolled down his messages, occasionally groaning. “Something about robbing the cradle. How original.”

I wasn’t going to lie and say I hadn’t wondered the same thing. Why would he want to go back to attend a high school dance. Was it pity? Nostalgia? I had no clue. Maybe this was getting more complicated than I thought it would be. I only wanted to go to a dance with a cute boy. And not think of Levi.

But the problem was that Levi always came up.

I tried to convince myself that this dance was nothing. I wanted to go with someone and hope my feelings for Levi would go away.

But they weren’t going away. They were growing more and more by the day.

And there was nothing I could do to stop it.

I was conflicted. I felt sick to my stomach.

And I really wanted those cheese curds.

I tried to push everything out of my head the week leading up to the dance.

It was only a dance. I had made plenty of comments about how high school dances were silly and conformed to the ever-sexist stereotype about male-female relationships (it was very Floyd of me). And for the first time since homecoming last year, Levi and I both would be going with a date. Him with his girlfriend of nearly six months. Just the thought of seeing his arms around her …

It was pretty clear who was wi

Even though it wasn’t a competition.

But part of me felt like it was. Which one of us could survive without the other? And while Levi needed my help to physically get around, he didn’t need need me.

Well, he did need me to help him pick out a tie.

There I was in his bedroom, a few hours before the dance. He held out two tie options for me.

“I know this is boring,” I said, “but I like the ski

He tossed the other tie aside. “Thanks.” He used both his arms to help himself up. He was getting more mobile but still needed his brace for a few more days.

“Are you going to be okay getting there?” I asked. “Not like I don’t doubt Keith’s strength or anything, but he needs to be careful.”

“I’ll be fine, but thanks.” He wobbled over to his closet. “What time do you need to get ready for college boy?”

I looked at my watch. “I probably should leave soon. Do you think it’s strange that he’s taking me?”

Levi shook his head. “I would find it odd if anybody didn’t want to take you anywhere you wanted to go.”

I was stu

As if Alex could read my mind, he called as I was saying good-bye to Levi. “Better take this,” I said as I went into the hallway for some privacy.

“Hey, I’m so glad I caught you,” Alex seemed out of breath. “I feel awful.”

“Is everything all right?” I asked.

“No, I’m so sorry, but I can’t go tonight.” I heard shouting in the background. “My friends convinced me to rush, and the frat we’re interested in wants us to … well, I can’t really say, except that I won’t be going anywhere this entire weekend.”

And here I’d been thinking I’d have to wait a couple years before a frat boy broke my heart.

Although my heart wasn’t really broken. I was excited to hang out with Alex, but not as much as I should’ve been. I knew what it was like to like someone. And I didn’t have those feelings for Alex.

“It’s okay.” I made some other comments to make Alex feel better, when in reality, he should’ve been comforting me. I don’t even remember how we ended the conversation.

But I do remember seeing Levi look at me through a partially opened door.

I gave him a smile. “Well, Alex can’t make it. So I’m going to go home and consume a bunch of food and watch a sappy movie, as one does in these circumstances.”

Levi looked at me intensely. “Do you want to go with me?”

I shook my head. “I’m not going to be the third wheel.”

He hobbled forward. “No, that’s not what I’m asking. Macallan, do you want to go to the dance with me?”

He wasn’t making sense. “What about Stacey?”

“Can you forget about Stacey and everybody else for a second? I’m asking you a simple question: Do you want to go with me?”

But it wasn’t a simple question. Of course, I wanted to go to the dance with Levi. I loved to do anything with Levi. We always had fun together, even when he’d complain about his injury.

Levi took my hand. “Macallan, I just need a yes or a no.”

I could feel tears sting the back of my eyes as I denied myself the one thing I truly wanted. I pulled my hand away. “Listen, don’t worry about me. I better go. You don’t want to keep your group waiting.”

I turned my back and rushed down the stairs, knowing he couldn’t catch up to me. But as I walked out the front door, I replayed in my head what I wanted to say. What I wished I had the courage to say.

Yes, Levi. I want to go to the dance with you. I want you to put your arms around me. I don’t want to pretend that you and I are nothing more. My life is better off with you in it. I want to be with you. Because I love you, Levi. And not just as friends.

Hallelujah! She has seen the light!

I can’t even …

No, please, allow me.

Knowing Macallan as long as I have allows me some insights into the way she is. For instance, I knew she was freaked out when she ran out of my room that night.