The Lonely Hearts Club

. . . I'll he back again.

Yes, I would be back. I could take chances with my heart and I would be able to bounce back, and anything that might hurt me would just make me stronger in the end.

And I did deserve everything I wanted -- somebody who would appreciate me, someone I could trust, someone who liked me for me.

My heart sank as I thought of Ryan.

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chapter Thirty two

"NOW, PENNY LANE, THIS IS our little secret, pinky swear." Dad held out his pinky and I locked mine with his. "Your mother would kill me if she knew we did this with all of the leftovers still in the house."

Dad and I were on our own for Saturday di

"So what's the Club up to tonight?" Dad asked.

"Were going to catch a movie so you guys don't have to worry about a zillion screaming girls in the house."

Dad smiled. "Well, that's a relief. No karaoke pla

Ugh, that was the purpose of us going to a movie -- to try to distract Jen from the following weekend's party. She had been totally stressing out. Not only had I promised to sing a solo, I had also agreed to lead the Club in a rendition of "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band." the phone rang and Dad went over and picked it up. "Oh, hello, Ryan!' he said after listening for a moment.

It cant be . . ,

I looked over and saw that my dad's forehead was creasing.

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"No, no, you did the right thing. I'll be in my office in five minutes. Meet me there."

Medical emergency. "Is everything all right?"

"No, actually that was Ryan Bauer -- his sister fell and hit her mouth against a table and is bleeding. I need to get over to the office," He grabbed his jacket. "Actually, Pe

"Umm..."

"Plus," he added, "Ryan seems a little shaken up. it might be good for him to have a friend there."

Before I could protest, Dad threw my jacket at me and was out the door.

Ryan was waiting for us when we pulled up. He was holding his eight-year-old stepsister, Katie, in his arms, her long black hair covering her face. Dad ran over to him and reached out to touch Katie's head. "Sweetie," he told her, "its going to be okay." He handed me his keys. "Pe

I nervously reached for the keys and sprinted into the office. I flipped on the overhead lights and then ran in the back to my dad's main exam room. Like an automatic reflex, I turned on all of the equipment, grabbed a fresh set of instruments, and placed them down on the counter.

Katie's sobs were getting louder as my dad and Ryan

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approached the room. "I was upstairs getting di

He set Katie in the chair and Dad gently removed the towel that was covering her face. All I could see was blood.

"Oh, no!" Ryan exclaimed, and he put his hands over his head and started to pace.

"Everything's going to be fine!' Dad said. I couldn't tell if he was talking to Katie or Ryan.

I ran into my dad's office, grabbed Abbey the Walrus, and ran back. Dad was examining Katie, who was now crying even harder. "Here, sweetie." I went over and gave her the stuffed animal that I used to play with when I was about her age. Katie hesitantly took the walrus and then held on to it for dear life.

"All right, some of the teeth are a little loose, but everything is going to be fine. I'm just going to clean up the wound and then see about stabilizing the teeth," Dad looked over at Ryan, who seemed like he was about to faint.

"Pe

I walked out the door and Ryan followed me. Before I could even think about it, I placed my hand on his shoulder.

He plunked down on the couch in the reception area and put his hands over his face. "My mother's going to kill me."

I sat down next to him and put my arm around him. "Ryan, you didn't do anything wrong."

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"there's so much blood," he protested.

"But that's just because the blood is mixed with the saliva, so it just looks worse than it actually is," I assured him.

He jerked his head up. "Why are you even here?" I couldn't tell if he was angry or embarrassed.

"My dad, he, um, thought he might need help . . and that you might need a friend." I reached for his hand and gave it a squeeze.

Ryan's cell phone rang and he jumped. "Hey, Mom, . . . no, I got ahold of Dr. Bloom..., Yes ... okay ... okay ... I will. . . 'bye."

"You have to know this isn't your fault," I said after he'd hung up. He just stared straight ahead, "Um, when I was two, Lucy was supposed to be watching me. She was only ten at the time, so that was probably pretty irresponsible of my parents, but she left me on the top bunk bed in her room and, well, the next thing you know, I fell off the bunk bed and onto the floor. And you know, I turned out seminormal." I bumped my knee against his. "Or maybe not. .. ."

He smiled. "I know she'll be okay, but my mom sounded like I really let her down, and Cole is so overprotective of Katie. it's just... do you have any idea how frickin' exhausting it is to be me sometimes?"

I stared at him in disbelief.

"Ryan," I said, "nobody expects you to be perfect"

"Right, tell that to the coaches and my parents."

I'd never really thought about that. I'd just always assumed that Ryan was perfect.

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"It's my own fault," he continued, "I kill myself to live up to peoples expectations. Just once I'd like to skip class, drink at a party, not always say the right thing, I can already hear my parents, 'You should have been watching her, Ryan,' What were you thinking, Ryan! 'How irresponsible, Ryan! 'We are so disappointed, Ryan! that's the worst, when they tell me that they're disappointed in me, like I'm not allowed to mess up once in a while. I'm just thankful my dad doesn't need to know about this!' it was the first time Ryan had mentioned his father since he hadn't shown up at the game earlier in the year. "if I have to hear from him one more time that an A-minus is the same as a B-minus and that no decent college is going to let me in unless I get nothing but straight As . . .like t want to follow his path to being a self-absorbed prick."

My mouth dropped open.

He looked horrified, "I'm sorry ... I shouldn't have ... I didn't mean ,. ."

"It's okay" I rubbed his arm. "You're just really stressed about Katie, that's all. there's just... a lot going on right now."

He turned to me, looking so tired. "I know you think I'm overreacting, but I spend so much time doing things to not disappoint people.. . . What about what I want?"

"What do you want?" I asked.

"Does it even matter?" he replied as he leaned his head against the wall.

"Yes, it does, if it's important to you."