That Wedding

"Oh, thank you!"

"Although, I think we need to talk about what last night was all about."

"What do you mean?"

He shakes his head at me. "Princess, I know you. Last night was one of your spiraling out of control nights. Well, it could've been, had I not been there, and Bradley wasn't surprising cool."

"Oh, I need to check my phone. He was supposed to text me the name of that vodka. It was the smoothest stuff I've ever tasted!"

Phillip was taking a drink of beer as I uttered these words, and he literally spit sprayed beer back out of his mouth, all over the coffee table and my head. Now, he's laughing.

"What about vodka is so fu

He tries to control his laughter as he blurts out, "It was so smooth..........because, because....hahahahahahahahaha. Oh, I'm sorry, but it's just quite fu

"Never mind, Phillip."

I'm sorry, but he's being a bit of a jerk about it.

I get up and look for my phone. At some point last night, Phillip took it out of the rice bag. Thanks to Bradley's quick trick, my phone was rehabilitated. Thing powered right up.

There's a text from Bradley.

Hotass bartender:  You ever need a job, I will totally hire you and sexually harass the shit out of you.

Phillip is still snickering and pissing me off, so I figure what the hell and text him back.

Me:  I may be looking for both soon. Last night was fun. Thanks for letting me play waitress, reviving my phone, and introducing me to that vodka. What is the name of it?

Hotass bartender:  It wasn't vodka, baby. It was just plain water. You were drinking too much, and I was afraid if you got too drunk you might do something with me you would've regretted. And call me callous, but I would not have resisted.

I look over at Phillip, who's still trying not to laugh every time he looks at me.

Me:  Let me guess, you told Phillip about the vodka?

Hotass bartender:  Yeah.

Me:  He thinks it's hilarious.

Hotass bartender:  He's laughing at you?

Me:  Yes :(

Hotass bartender:  Do you recall that he drank a shot named Sex on the Stairs last night?

Me:  yeah....

Hotass bartender:  You win.

Me:  You're the best bartender ever! And thanks for saving my phone!

Hotass bartender:  You're welcome, baby. Don't be a stranger, okay? And Phillip's the right guy for you. Stop freaking out.

Me:  Thanks, Bradley.

Hotass bartender:  Anytime, and I mean ANY time ;)

I stop texting and say to Phillip, "So I get it, he made me think the water was some kind of amazing special vodka. Laugh all you want, but I think it was sweet of him."

I decide I really don't feel like talking to Phillip right now. "I'm go

"Oh, good. I need a shower too. I'm very dirty," he raises his eyebrows at me.

For the first time in our relationship, I can honestly say that I have no desire to have sex with Phillip.

"Uh, I think I'd rather take a shower alone." I don't give him a chance to reply. I just walk in the bathroom and lock the door.

And in the shower, I'm thinking.

I'm thinking that I may have to lie. I'm go

Truth is, I'm thinking maybe God really was trying to tell me something in my dream. I'm not sure I should marry Phillip.

What if I'm just overwhelmed right now with the surprising fact that sex with Phillip is amazing? And that's overshadowing the fact that life with Phillip is not going to be as easy as I think.

Pretty soon, I find myself crying in the shower. I don't know why I'm crying. I just feel sad. Helpless. Confused. Scared.

Alone.

Very alone.

I calm myself down, wash my hair, get out of the shower, and get ready.

Phillip's pouting about the no sex in the shower. He keeps looking at me kinda fu

"Oh, I'll call her back."

"You don't need to. She called me since you didn't answer."

"What'd she want?"

"She said we should have a little celebration today." Phillip's words are saying that we should have a celebration, but his face doesn't look like he's in the mood for any kind of celebrating. In fact, he's looking like he wishes he would've told her the wedding is off.

"Why's that?"

"She got our ceremony programs, menu, and reception cards back from the printer. Only ten more days."

"Uh, yeah. I'm go

While I'm grabbing an adorable pair of leopard heels with red trim that I'm hoping will put me in a better mood, I'm trying not to freak.

Ten more days!!!

Ten more days??

I feel sick.

It's okay. Everyone says don't freak.

I'm trying. Really, I am.

Deep breath.

No, that won't work. I can't breathe right now. I may be having a heart attack.

Phillip and I have barely talked today. Last night, we met Katie and Neil for di

I wondered if that's how I'd feel if I called off our wedding.

Her and Eric are supposed to have an amiable divorce. And of course, Neil is super excited. He totally loves her.

When we got home, I stayed in the bathroom until I was sure Phillip had fallen asleep.

Today at work, we've both pretended to be very busy.

I'm afraid to say anything to him. I'm afraid he's going to ask me questions.

And I don't know the answers to any of them.

On the drive to counseling, he doesn't really say anything to me. He seems to have given up.

I'm still mad he laughed at me. I'm still mad he didn't seem to care that he hurt my feelings, but what's worse is that it feels like more.

It feels like our relationship is breaking down.

Have you ever had your car run out of gas? You know that sputtering it does, right before it dies?

That's what this feels like.

We sit down in the stupid chairs. If pastor was any kind of decent counselor at all, he'd be able to tell just from our body language that things are not good.

Phillip is leaning away from me. My arms are crossed tightly in front of me. I don't even really want to look at Phillip.

What I'd like to do is puke in the trash can, but I'm trying to hold it in.

Pastor starts our session with, "Today, we want to discuss intimacy."

"You mean sex?" I say. Even though I hate him, I have to admit, some of his topics have been timely.

"Not just sex. We talked about that last time. I'm talking about being close, giving him a massage, whispering in her ear, showing your love in other ways, staying close, talking. As we discussed last week, you'll go through a honeymoon period, and then things will level out. It's important that couples agree on timing and frequency. If one person in the couple wants physical intimacy, and they don't get it, it can cause hurt feelings, feelings of inadequacy. You might think they don't love you as much as they used to."