That Wedding

"Like some guys you did it with don't count," Marcus's wife, Madison, says bluntly.

"Exactly," Lori and I agree.

"Wait," Da

Madison says, "I know one. The guy you meet at the bar and thought was hot. But when you sobered up, you realized he wasn't. Like not at all. I don't think you'd count him."

Marcus is like, "Why wouldn't you count him?"

To which I replied, "Because if you would've been in your right mind, you never would have."

Duh.

Madison tells us, "I had a friend call me me one shameful morning and ask me if it counts when you wake up naked in a guy's bed, but you don't remember doing anything."

"What'd you tell her?" Chase asks.

"I told her not to worry, that it didn't count. If you don't remember it, you didn't do it, right?"

"That's how Lori kept her numbers down," I tease.

"Okay, I can kinda understand that," Alex says. "So does that mean girls don't count ANY one night stands or drunken sex?"

"I think if he was hot, you'd count him," Madison says.

"Oh, yes. If he was hot, you'd definitely count him."

Lori finally decides to pipe in on the conversation. "Jade, remember that hotass bartender you did? You count him, don't you?"

"What bartender?" Phillip asks.

I'm ru

But, no.

She looks at Phillip and Da

"Bradley?!" Phillip says. "You slept with Bradley?"

"Uh....maybe." I put on my sweetest face, complete with adorable grin.

I hope.

Da

"We got free rounds A LOT," Phillip states adamantly.

"Uh, well, it may have been more than one, one night stand," Lori says. "Did you really not know that, Phillip?"

"No, I did not," Phillip says, his eyes boring into mine.

I give Da

Fortunately, Alex chips in, "Who else wouldn't you count?"

"If he sucked," his wife says.

There are choruses of Yeah, Exactly, and For sure from the girls.

"Oh, and if you cheated on your boyfriend with someone, I don't think you would count him either," Lori says with a grin.

"I could get you in a lot of trouble, you know. I have way more dirt on you," I whisper quietly to her.

"You ladies are scaring me," Marcus says. "So who WOULD you count?"

To that, he gets a bunch of replies.

"Guys you had a relationship with."

"Hot guys."

"Yeah, definitely the hot ones."

"The ones that were gooooood."

"Yeah, even if they weren't that hot."

"Oh, and the memorable ones," I say.

"Memorable, how?" Da

Lori opens her big mouth AGAIN. "Ooooohhhh, like the guy that worked at the movie theater?"

"What was memorable about the movie theater guy?" Chase asks.

"Let's just say it has to do with popcorn butter and the back of a movie theater and leave it at that," Lori says.

"Oh my god, Lori, you're making me sound like a slut. I dated the movie theater guy for two months and never had sex with him. It's not like I did him for free popcorn."

Da

"Uh, no. Four months was my record, and you have no room to talk, Mr. Revolving Bedroom Door."

"How long will you and Phillip have been dating when you get married?"

"Four months," I shoot back.

Da

"Da

"You were never very good with math, blondie," Da

"Shut up!" I yell.

Lori says, "Yeah, Da

I can tease Da

"Jay, we may need to talk about this later," Da

"Trust me, Da

"That's weird," Alex says, "because I think guys count every single girl, regardless of the circumstances."

"Even if she was nasty?" I question.

"Uh, yeah, I think so, guys?"

And all the guys are like, "Yeah."

"What if she was your best friend's girl?" Marcus's wife, Madison asks.

Marcus says, "Yeah, sure. I mean, I did."

Then both he and his wife get big grins on their faces, and he continues. "But then again, I married her."

I went to look at wedding dresses again yesterday. Still no luck. Lori must have been feeling my frustration all the way down in Kansas City.

While I'm driving to work, my phone rings.

"So did you find a dress last night?"

"No, I suck," I whine. "I thought the dress would be the easiest part. I may have to go naked."

"That would fit your whole XXX theme."

"Yeah," I say as further depression sets in.

"So, I have a plan. Da

"Sounds like a plan to me, although, I'm go

"He will. He's invited too. We also invited both the Diamonds and the Macs. Are you okay with the moms helping you shop?"

"Just promise me no STD jokes."

"Deal! Oh, Jade, I'm so excited!! I know I'll be able to help you find the perfect dress!"

"I sure hope so, Lori. I sure hope so."

As soon as I get in the office, Phillip shuts his door, pushes me up against it, and kisses me. "You're late," he says. "I'm your boss. I'm probably going to have to write you up or something."

"No, you're just always early."

He grabs my ass. "Maybe you should offer to sleep with the boss, so you can get ahead."

"I'm surprised you'd want me to sleep with your dad, Phillip."

He chuckles and kisses the side of my neck just under my ear. I swear, it makes me weak in the knees. It's a good thing I'm up against the door. "I'm pretty sure I'm your boss."