Love Me

"Come in, please. Obviously, we need to talk."

“Are you okay?”

“I’ve had better days.”

I look down at the floor and say quietly, “Me too.”

We both stand here awkwardly. I’m waiting for him to say something. When he doesn’t, I confess, “Bryce just told me that you might not know what happened. What Chelsea told me. Why Riley punched you.”

“Please tell me.”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“It does matter. We’ve been working on our foundation . . .”

“This was a lot more than a text.”

“I would hope so, but I need to know what she told you.”

“She said she wanted me to know, um, that you hooked up last night and that I should go back to California . . .” I stop and close my eyes. I’m trying hard not to cry. “Because no one here likes me. And when I told her I didn’t believe her . . .”

“Wait. You didn’t believe her?”

“No. Not at first.”

“What did she say to make you believe it? What tore it all down?”

“She told me that you used to date. That you broke up after prom, and how you’ve been trying to get back together with her all semester . . . And . . . And . . .That I was just a rebound.”

“And now you know that’s not true? That she really cheated on me. That I’d never do that to you.”

I can’t do this. I can’t sit here and talk about this.

“I have to go, Aiden.”

He grabs my hands. “Please don’t go.”

“Last night, I thought you would come apologize. I kept waiting.”

“I’m not going to apologize for telling you no. And I’m not the one who acted like a spoiled little brat who didn’t get her way.”

“If that’s what you think about me—that I only wanted to unzip your pants because I wanted to get my way—then you should go back to Chelsea.”

“This isn’t about her, it’s about us.”

“There is no more us, Aiden.”

“What do you mean?”

“I can’t do this anymore. You’re not the boss of me or the boss of our relationship. And I’m not going to apologize for being attracted to you or for wanting you. I want a good relationship. One where two people can discuss how they’re feeling without it always ending in a fight. Without someone storming off.”

“You did that last night.”

“Yeah, because I couldn’t take you rejecting me one more time.”

“Do you think it’s been easy for me? I’m doing it for you. Because you need to go slow.”

I shake my head and turn toward the door. But then I pause and turn back around. “Why do you think I need to go slow?”

“Because the last two guys you’ve been with, that you loved, hurt you. I want to be the guy that doesn’t hurt you.”

“But you’re hurting me right now. You have no idea how bad this hurt me.”

“Keatyn, all your past relationships have been based on sex. And I want—”

“No! You stop there. That's bullshit! You don’t know anything!” I clutch my chest and start crying even harder. “I loved the Keats guy. He was my friend for two years. Our relationship was never based on sex. Don’t you ever say it was! And I'm sick of you judging me. Especially you. I know you had lots of relationships based on sex last year and you hooked up with girls you didn’t even care about. So, stop pretending this is about me. Stop trying to make me pay for my past and start looking at your own.”

“Says the girl who’s still sleeping with Dawson.”

“What?! What are you even talking about? I haven't done anything, not even kissed Dawson, since, since . . . like, before Halloween. I chose you.”

Aiden’s eyes get big. Then he winces from the pain of moving them.

“But . . . but, you’ve been hanging out with him.”

“Only because we’re trying to stay friends.”

He slowly drops to his bed. “Don't you think maybe you should’ve told me that?”

“I would have, but you told me we were going at our own pace. That you didn't want to compare the relationships.”

“I didn't know,” he says quietly.

“It doesn’t really matter, Aiden. We didn’t trust each other. I should’ve known that you would never do that to me, and you should’ve known that I was just sexually frustrated and that when I said I was done that I didn’t mean it.”

I don’t want to do this.

I do not want to do this.

But I have to.

I have to protect what’s left of my heart.

I remember when he brought me cake. How I saw our future.

How I told myself I couldn’t do it. That I couldn’t give him my heart.

How if Dawson had the potential to break my heart, crack it in two, Aiden has the power to a

I got a glimpse of that power today.

Of his potential to destroy me.

And after everything that’s happened to me.

I know I’m not strong enough to survive it.

So I have to do what’s best for both of us.

I have to walk away.

“Goodbye, Aiden.”

I walk down the stairs and through the first floor hallway in a haze of tears.

And find myself in front of Dawson’s door.

I stand here for a minute and think about knocking.

It would be so easy to just knock on his door.

To tell him it’s over.

To get whatever I wanted.

But my wanting to do more sexually wasn’t about just getting my way.

It was about more.

It was about a lot more.

And because of that, I can’t knock on Dawson’s door.

Even though it would be so easy.

Sunday, November 20th

Washes it away.

8pm

I don’t leave my room today.

I just lie on my bed and stare at the beach on my wall.

The girls don’t understand why I’m still so upset.

But they don’t know what I felt when Chelsea told me.

They don’t know the crushing, twisting, burning, painful things her words made me feel.

They don’t know that I’m not what I seem.

They don’t know the truth about me.

About what I’ve been through.

About what I’m still going through.

How often I have to pretend like everything is okay when I’m so scared.

When it feels like everything is falling apart.

Me getting mad at Aiden for rejecting me wasn’t just about him saying no.

It was me reacting to being told no about everything.

No, you can’t talk to your friends.

No, you can’t get on social media.

No, you can’t stay here.

No, you can’t tell anyone. 

No, he’ll find you.

No, you won’t get so lucky the next time. 

No, you can’t see your family. 

Because even your own family is afraid of you.

Tears fall endlessly down my face.

I want to build a mansion of love with Aiden more than anything.

But I’ve built enough sand castles to know.

We’d be building that foundation on sand.

And the water always washes it away.

Monday, November 21st

Revenge sex is sweet.

History

 I slump down into my seat in history. I’m wearing my gold sparkly game day outfit even though it’s not an actual game day. Tomorrow is the playoff game and because we have to leave school early to get there, we’re having the pep rally today.

I’m starting to get sick of pep rallies.

“I take it you and Aiden didn’t make up,” Riley says.

“No. We’re done.”

“You look like shit.”

“I feel like shit.”

“He looks like shit too. I feel bad.”

“What promise did he break, Riley?”

Riley shakes his head. “It doesn’t really matter now.”

“It does matter. Please tell me.”

“He promised me that he’d never hurt you.”

My hand goes to my stomach, like Riley just punched me. Because that’s sort of what it felt like. A punch to the gut.

I stare at him for a minute before I cover my face with my hands and cry silently.

Riley drops me off outside my English class.

I’m never early for class, but today I’m the first one in my seat.