Four Summers

“Fine!” I cross my arms. “Did you bring me to Alec’s to pressure me into wanting to stay? To remind me what I have here and…” To make me feel guilty for wanting to leave him. Or maybe not that. He has no reason to know I want to leave, but he doesn’t like how things are between Nate and me. Maybe that scares him.

To my surprise, Dad whips the car over to the side of the road and turns on the interior light.

“No matter what, I’m still your father and I don’t appreciate you accusing me of something like that. We went to see them because I needed it. Jesus Christ, Charlie! I pissed my pants in front of you and that kid tonight! Did you ever think how that made me feel? Maybe I just wanted a distraction. I’ve lost my wife, my daughter, and the ability to work all in the past year, and now I can’t even control my God damned bladder!”

Dad’s open hands slam down on the steering wheel. Tears are ru

“I wanted to forget and try to make myself believe things were like they used to be. Christ, I miss her. I miss them both so much, kid. I should have known. She never wanted a life here, but I thought I could make her happy. I assumed that after she left and came back to me—”

“What?” I cut him off. “When did Mom leave?”

He looks at me, his eyes as red as they were when Mom told him she and Sadie were leaving. “She was young…nineteen. I knew I loved her, even then. She left with some kid she met one summer. Two months she was gone before he broke her heart by being with another woman, and I healed it for her. There’s nothing I wouldn’t have done for her. I loved her in a way he never could have. So yes, maybe I did subconsciously bring you to Alec’s tonight partially for that reason. You look at Nate the way your mom used to look at him. I’ll be damned before I let him hurt you the same why she was hurt.”

Light off.

Truck started.

Dad pulls back onto the road and starts to drive away.

My heart is too heavy and my mind too full to say anything. But there’s one thing I do know: I’m not my mom, and Nate would never hurt me like that.

All the lights are off in Nate’s cabin when we get home. Dad and I don’t talk further and I go straight to my room.

Hey.

Hey he replies.

Just got home. What ya doing?

Lying in bed. Have fun?

No.

What happened?

Nothing…fight with Dad. See you 2morrow?

Always, Star Girl. ‘Night.

Goodnight

Dad and I stand in front of the deck on the empty cabin. The completely finished deck that wasn’t done when we left it yesterday.

“Wow…” Dad runs a hand over his head.

Yeah. Wow.

The parking spot in front of cabin 3B is empty. Nate texted me to let me know his parents wanted them to all hang out together today, since they’d be leaving soon. Leaving. That word pries my chest wide open.

“Did you know?” Dad asks.

“No.”

There’s remorse in his voice, but not enough. I know it doesn’t change anything. Neither will my words. “He’s a good person. He’d never hurt me like that guy hurt Mom. I’m taking the day off.”

Dad doesn’t reply and I don’t wait. It doesn’t matter that Nate won’t be here until this evening. I can’t spend my day with Dad. I go swimming, something I haven’t done by myself in a long time. Afterward I change clothes and go for a hike, hoping my head will clear in all the open space.

Nate leaves in a week. I thought the fact that we’re going to stay together would change the empty feeling inside me. It’s crazy how you can feel empty and full at the same time. It’s exactly what has taken me over. The emptiness fills me.

When I get back down to the house, I pack a bag with my telescope, blanket, and all the other things I bring on our nights out. Nate texts when they get back and we pick the time to meet. Dad and I have di

“Hey you,” Nate says after I climb out the window.

“Hey.” We lock hands before I say, “Let’s go to the fort tonight.”

We take the same path we’ve taken so many times together over the past three years. The path that I wonder if we’ll ever take together again. If I leave—though I don’t know how I will—we might not take this walk again.

If I stay, we might not either. Next summer he’ll be getting ready to go wherever he decides to go to school, ready to live his life. I’ll be helping here and going to school locally, which isn’t horrible, but not my dream either.

I stomp those thoughts down, not wanting anything to cloud this last time we have together.

When we get to the fort, we sit in our chairs behind it like we always do. I look through the telescope a little bit, but I’m not really feeling.

“You finished the deck,” I finally say while sitting on his lap.

“It was nothing. Dragged Brandon out there to help me, then went back out to stain it after you got home.”

“Hey!” I tease. “You lied! You said you were in bed.”

Nate only shrugs. “Wanted to do it for you guys.”

He looks down and picks at the peeling paint on the chair. A tense prickle covers my body, making me worried about what’s going on. “What is it?” I finally ask.

He stalls before answering. “I get it… What’s going on with your dad? Seeing that yesterday? I get it. I know why you feel like you can’t leave him. I don’t think I realized it before, but…I guess I’m selfish because it doesn’t stop me from wanting to keep on doing what we had pla

“I know.” Because I feel the same way. I lay my head on his shoulder.

“I was stressing out on saying anything or not, but I knew I had to. I want you, Charlotte. I still want to be with you and see what happens. We can apply for schools still together or not. I just want you to know…I want you to have your stars and that has nothing to do with me…but I get it, okay? I know you’re scared, but don’t be. If you decide you can’t go, I’ll understand.”

Love over takes that empty feeling, kicking and shoving it out of my system. There’s no room for it when I’m with him. “You have the biggest heart of anyone in the whole wide world,” I say before kissing him.

Nate kisses me back, urgently, taking the kiss deeper like he’s afraid I’ll disappear. He twists me so I’m facing him, straddling him, and his hands go under the back of my shirt.

And I know I don’t want him to stop. Nathaniel Chase gave me my very first moment. He gave me my first kiss. He was the first boy to see me naked. To take me ski

“Do you…” Breathe, Charlotte. It’s Nate. I can say anything to Nate. “I want to really be with you. Do you have any condoms?”

Nate’s eyes go wide and his hands tighten slightly on my waist. He gives me a small nod, but then says, “You don’t have to.”

“I want to… Do you want to?”

“Are you kidding me? Of course I do.”

I can’t help but chuckle at that.

Nate trails one of his fingers down the side of my face, torturously slow. “You are so incredible.”

Nate grabs my hand and I let him help me stand. He’s right behind me, picking up my bag. “I wish I could take you somewhere better,” he whispers, before leading me into the fort. It’s clean inside. I keep it that way because it’s important to me.