Four Summers

“That’s not a bad thing.”

“But it’s a hard thing. I don’t even want to wear a bikini in front of guys and I’m sixteen years old. And you said I’m beautiful and I trust you more than anyone else I know. I just…I wanted you to see me and know if you still think I’m beautiful.”

Holy. Shit. “You are so totally brave. I don’t know anyone who would have laid that out there like you did.”

“I trust you.” Her hand teases the back of my hair. It’s probably the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.

I don’t give myself time to think about it. To realize it’s wrong or to try talking myself out of it. I can say I’m doing it for her, and maybe a part of me is, but I’m doing it for me, too. Because who wouldn’t want to see her? Who wouldn’t want to give her another first? And that makes me feel selfish.

“I don’t even have any condoms, but…we don’t have to have sex for me to see you, Char. We don’t have to…but if you want to…” I’m wondering how in the hell I got so lucky. What it is about her. Why she trusts me, but then I think maybe it just is. Maybe everything doesn’t have to have an answer.

“I wasn’t talking about sex…”

Nice. Now I feel like an idiot.

“But I still want you to see me. I want to see you too,” she adds.

I nod, not able to trust my voice. I’m sure I’m supposed to be a lot smoother about this, but I’m seriously dying here. I don’t know what to do, so I slowly move my hands to the buttons on her shirt. “Can, I?” I ask.

“Yes.”

“You sure?” My voice breaks and I feel like an idiot.

Charlotte nods. One by one I push the buttons through the holes until her light blue shirt hangs open. She’s wearing a white bra underneath.

I wish I knew what to say, but I don’t, so I nod, trying to tell her to stand up. She does and I’m right behind her, before I draw the shirt off her shoulders and let it hit the blanket.

Charlotte is standing in front of me, in nothing up top, but a bra. I feel all jittery. My heart is going crazy. It’s killer to pull my eyes off her, but they dart to the water and I get an idea. “Wa

“It’ll be both our first,” she says, and I know it was the right thing to say.

I pull my shirt over my head and throw it to the blanket. Reaching out, Charlotte touches the necklace around my neck that matches her own. Not sure if she wants me to undress her or not, I go to my shorts first, pushing them down and kicking out of them.

My palms are sweating and I’m as nervous as I’ve ever been, standing here in front of her in my boxers. “What now?” I ask.

She doesn’t answer, just moves her hands to the clasp on the front of her bra and it pops open. She covers herself with her hands, but I still suck in a deep breath.

“You’re perfect,” I tell her.

That gets me a huge smile. “You didn’t see anything yet.”

“I’ve seen enough to know you’re perfect.”

Slowly, like, so slowly I think I could die, she drops her hands. Nothing could pull my eyes away from her. Charlotte. Star Girl. I can’t believe she trusts me with this. “See?” my voice creaks. “Perfect.”

Her eyes are watery. “Thank you.”

We stand there for a few minutes and I’m sure I’m supposed to do something, but I can’t. I’d seen Roxi without her shirt on but she wasn’t Charlotte. This is different.

“For the rest…how about we close our eyes and then run in the water.”

I laugh; glad she’s getting cold feet too. I don’t want to be the guy who freaks out.

“Deal.”

“One,” she says.

“Two,” I reply and it reminds me of that time we decided to go for it in the paintball game. We weren’t afraid, we trusted each other to have our backs and we just went for it. This is Last Man Standing all over again.

“Three.” That voice is my head is back, telling me I’m stupid for closing my eyes, but she trusts me and I won’t do anything not to deserve it. I push my boxers down my legs and then go toward the water. I hear her next to me, but I’m not sure so I ask, “How do we know when we can open our eyes?”

“Umm…we’ll walk until our waist is covered. Mine is, now.”

I take a couple more steps and then say, “Me too.” We open our eyes and look at each other. I think she’s blushing, but can’t completely tell because of the light. Trying to lighten the mood, I splash her and she does the same. We play around in the water and pretty soon I forget I’m naked. Not her, I’ll never be able to forget she’s bare.

After a little while, we run out of the water, neither closing our eyes but not really looking either. I toss a towel at her and she wraps it around herself. Not wanting to get our clothes wet, I only put on my boxers and Charlotte her bra and panties before we sit on the blanket again. This time, I hold her between my legs with her back to my chest.

“Thank you,” she whispers after a few minutes.

“It was my pleasure. Believe me. You have absolutely nothing to thank me for.”

It’s a little cold so I pull the blanket up around my shoulders and wrap it around her. We sit like that for hours, sometimes talking and sometimes quiet.

Before we know it, the sun is a threat in the distance, warning us that we’ll soon be going our separate ways. Leaning forward, I put my mouth next to her ear, “We should probably get dressed.”

She nods and leaves my arms. I instantly miss her. She slips on her shorts and her shirt and then I do the same. I can’t believe it, but I’m shaking. Really shaking, and I don’t understand it. I pull her toward me and kiss her, before just holding her against my chest.

Charlotte cries there as I rest my chin on the top of her head. I squeeze her tightly, knowing soon we’ll have to let go. “I wasn’t joking when I said you’re beautiful…that you’re perfect,” I tell her.

“I don’t want you to go,” she mumbles into my chest.

“I know…” I don’t tell her it’ll be okay. Don’t say we’ll keep talking. Both are true, but neither are enough and we both know it.

“What do we do now?” That, I need to know. There’s a part of me who says we’ll do this. She can be my girlfriend and it will be enough because we’ll talk every day. But then, there’s the realist in me. The one who knows there are no promises. That we’re fucking young and she’s here with Alec and there’s a real possibility that maybe he’s better for her than I am.

“We keep living. There’s nothing we can do, Nathaniel. You’ll go back home and you’ll meet girls and you’ll play baseball and be happy and I’ll be here. I’ll work with my dad and hang out with Alec and life will just…keep going.”

“I hate it.” I kiss her forehead.

“I do, too.”

We stand there for as long as we can before heading back. She wipes her eyes a couple times and I wish I was doing it for her. Or kissing her tears away. When we get close to the cabins, I grab her hand and we stop. “I think…if things were different. If we were closer… You’d be it for me, Star Girl. Is that stupid to say? That I think I could love you?”

She shakes her head and she’s crying more now. I don’t like seeing the tears blur her green eyes. “No, it’s perfect.”

Charlotte pushes up on her toes and presses her lips to mine. Then, without a word, she walks away. I stand there, watching her go.

He met a girl in September, only a few weeks after school started. I could see it in his face while we Skyped. He didn’t have to tell me because I knew, but he did anyway. He’s honest like that. When he told me he wished it could be me, I believed him. When I went to Homecoming with Lance, Nathaniel told me I looked beautiful in my dress. When Dad was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis in November, Nathaniel called to comfort me. When Mom and Sadie left us, we stayed on the phone all night. Nathaniel’s girlfriend Hailey came and went, as did the next one, Monica. Lance and I went out for three months before it ended. Alec had a girlfriend for a while, too. I found our betta fish belly up one morning. The only thing that stayed the same that year was us—how I felt about Nathaniel.