Four Summers

We weave our way through the crowd to the far end of the carnival and sneak through a sizeable storage building before halting in front of a fence.

“We have to go over,” she says, and I smile thinking it’s really fucking cool that this girl climbs fences to sneak in and out of carnivals.

“Hey.” I grab her shoulder, right before she’s about to begin to climb. “Thank you.”

Her eyebrows come together. “For what?”

“Being you, I guess. And for this. Showing me your secrets.”

She bites her lip shyly but then says, “You know, the first time I saw you, I thought you were a pretty boy. I didn’t think you would do stuff like climb fences or win night games with me.”

Ouch. That kind of sucks. I remember her saying something like that before. “And now?”

“Now I know who you are.”

Who, I want to ask her. I always thought I knew who I was but now I’m not sure.

“Come on. We need to hurry.”

“Let me go first. I’ll help you on the other side.” I know she doesn’t need my help, but I want to give it to her. Maybe I’m just selfish and want my hands on her. It’s like I don’t know my own head anymore.

After taking the fish from her, I scale the fence and drop down on the other side. Charlotte comes up right behind me. When she gets to the top, she slides down a little. I reach up and grasp her waist and she slips right down into my arms. We’re standing there, without any space between us, the bag still clutched in my hand. I feel her stomach and her breasts up against my chest and I’m not letting go. God, I totally don’t want to let go of this girl right now.

She licks her lips and I’m leaning forward and I’m eager, like I’ve never kissed her girl. Like I need to know how she tastes again.

Boom!

The sky lights up in reds and blues. Charlotte pulls away and grabs my hand again. “Come on. We’re going to miss the show.”

Right now I don’t care about anything except her, but it seems to be important to her so I follow. We run up this grassy hill right behind the building. Trees stand all around us and I wonder how we’re supposed to see around them. A few more pops take off, the colors so bright we have no trouble seeing. It’s not a huge hill and only takes a couple minutes to get to the top. The trees are thick behind us, but there’s a perfect clearing up here. A circle, with an open sky above it. When another firework goes off, they look like they’re right above us—like they could fall right on top of us, the only two people in the world.

“It’s beautiful,” she whispers, her eyes on the sky, but not me. I’m looking at her.

“Yeah…it is.” I’ve never really thought of Charlotte as beautiful before, looking at her with that huge smile, colors reflecting in her eyes and on her face. Cute, sure, but right now I wonder how I wasn't always conscious of the fact she is so beautiful.

She glances at me. “Watch them,” she says, so I do.

Holding hands, we stand in middle of the clearing and watch the show.

When it’s almost over, I turn to her. My finger brushes the hollow spot at the base of her throat while I watch it. It’s so crazy touching her like this. It doesn’t matter that we’ve kissed once last year. This feels different.

“You got rid of your necklace,” I say.

Her breath hitches. More fireworks go off. “You don’t wear yours anymore, either.”

From my pocket, I remove the black leather necklace with the star on it. “I felt like a jerk wearing it after how I treated you…”

“I wore mine every day until the day you came back… It made me feel like, I don’t know, like maybe I really could have the stars.”

“You can.”

She’s already shaking her head. I don’t get it; I don’t see why she doesn’t think she can have more than this. If I bring it up, I know we’ll fight again and I’m tired of fighting with her. I lift my hands and latch the necklace around my neck. Charlotte nods and I know that means she’ll wear hers again too.

Pop after pop sounds in the distance. The colors of the finale flash the night sky alive. I cup Charlotte's cheek and she shivers.

“It’s just me,” I say and then feel stupid. “I mean, you know it’s me and who am I really but—”

“You’re Nathaniel.”

I set the fish on the ground. That’s all I need to hear, and then I’m leaning forward. My lips touch hers and I wonder if I should go slowly, but I can’t really do it. My tongue slides into her mouth and I push a hand into her hair. I pull her closer, resting my other hand on the curve of her hip.

She moans, and I kiss her deeper. Charlotte’s arms wrap around my neck. We’re kissing like crazy with the fireworks going off, but then she pulls back. Steps away.

Shit. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean...”

Charlotte shakes her head. “No, it’s okay. It’s just…”

She’s the kind of girl who needs to go slow, isn't she? Guilt rumbles through me. My mind flashes back to that night with Adam and Chrissy. I could never push myself on a girl like that.

“You didn’t push,” she says, reading my mind again. “I swear, it’s just…” But she doesn’t continue. We watch the end of the finale. For a second, I worry we’re right back where we didn’t want to be, but I won’t let us. I reach for her hand and she’s doing the same. When she laughs, I do, too.

It’s a few nights later, Charlotte and I aren't meeting until one a.m. so I pass out for a little while and set the alarm on my phone to wake me up. When I get out of bed, Brandon is gone. I have no idea how he made it out without me hearing him.

I shake my head and climb out the window, hoping we don’t see him and Sadie going at it in the woods again. I should have known it wouldn’t be long, and I hope my brother knows what he’s doing. The last thing we need is him getting into it with Sadie’s boyfriend.

Charlotte has her telescope with her tonight. She doesn’t bring it often, but when she does, she spends a lot of time looking through it. I wonder what she sees up there. The look on her face makes me wonder what I’m missing. It’s like it’s her miracle or something.

“We might want to hit our spot by the lake tonight, instead of the fort. Brandon was gone when I got out of bed…”

Charlotte doesn’t need me to continue. “Oh my God! Sadie was asking about him. I can’t believe that. I feel so bad for Brice.”

“Sucks for him.”

We head over to our spot. I lay out the blanket Charlotte brought with her and then we set up her telescope. “What are we looking for tonight?” I ask. We’re close and I really want to kiss her again.

“Nothing specific. I just wanted to explore.”

Sitting down on the blanket, I watch her look for whatever it is she sees up there.

“You should explore in real life one day. Away from The Village.”

She groans. “I’m not an idiot. I know that.”

“Sorry.” I touch her back and she jumps a little. “I don’t want to be a dick.”

“You’re not. I mean, I kind of like it when you say stuff like that. You almost make me believe it, ya know? But…there's my dad. This is my life, Nathaniel. My past is here, and it’s my future, too.” She’s quiet and I know there’s more. I lean away from her and lay down on the blanket again, giving her space.

“They’re fighting a lot again…my parents. Have you ever had that feeling in your gut, that you know something’s going to happen?”

“Yeah.”

“She’s going to leave. I know it. And then…who will he have? Dad’s always been in my corner. When I was young and Mom tried to force me into dresses, he told her to leave me alone. He taught me how to build forts and didn’t treat me like I couldn’t do the same kind of work him and Alec did, just because I’m a girl.”

He made her who she is. I’ll always respect him for that. “But those things aren’t all you want anymore, are they?” I start to sweat a little. Maybe I misread her. Maybe she’s changed and I didn’t know.