Four Summers

He pulls his mouth away, but doesn’t move his hand. I don’t let go of him either and all I can think is our breaths are mixing the way our tongues just did.

Wow…

“I saw something when we were out today.” He pulls away and I wish he hadn't, but then he’s reaching into his pocket and pulls whatever it is out.

It’s a necklace. Thin, black leather cord with a silver star hanging from the middle. My eyes water as I reach for it. “I love it,” I whisper.

“Turn around. I’ll put it on you.” I twist and lift my hair as he ties the necklace on me. When I face him again, he says, “Is it stupid that I got myself one, too?”

The tears spill out of my eyes and I shake my head. “No. It’s perfect.”

I look at his neck and the rope is gone. In its place is the black leather, just like mine.

There are so many times I’ve been with Nathaniel that I’ve thought, this is my moment. I’ll never forget this. I realize as I stand here with him, they’re all true. I’ll remember every moment I spent with him this summer.

He pulls me to him and hugs me as I cry. When my tears finally stop he grasps my hand and we walk back to my house together. He takes me all the way to my window this time and I wish the walk would have never ended.

“I’m going to miss you,” I tell him.

“You too,” he replies. We exchange emails and promise to write. He hugs me one more time before turning to walk away. I wish we could kiss again. I wish we could kiss all night. He gets a couple steps away before he stops, turns, and says. “Follow your stars if you want, Star Girl. Don’t let anyone tell you that you can’t.”

Crying, I watch him walk away, knowing I may never see him again.

When I wake up in the morning, Nathaniel Chase is already gone.

We email back and forth every day. He’s back with Roxi. I pretend to be happy for him, like a friend should. He asks about Alec and Sadie and I answer all the questions. He told Roxi about me. Not about our kiss, I don’t think, but about his “best friend.” I get the feeling he thought it would make me feel good, but it doesn't.

I imagine his dimples when he writes LOL and his backward hat.

Even being busy with school, we still write. I tell him that Alec invited me to Homecoming and he says he hopes I have a good time.

I do, but I still wish it was him.

After that, our emails become less frequent.

In December the emails from him stop. I write a few times, but he doesn’t reply and I know this must be the end. He’s moved on. It was destined to happen anyway.

He’s changed since last year. He’s sadder. I guess I’ve changed, too. I’m more wary of him, scared to get too close. I’ve had my first boyfriend since he was here last. I’ve taken to helping Dad more often. He seems to struggle sometimes and I don’t know why. Nathaniel looks at me differently when he doesn’t know I’m watching, and even though I can tell he’s in pain, we still have our nights. And they’re even more magical than they were before. ~Charlotte

I sit in the backseat with my headphones in. My iPod hasn’t been turned off once since we got in the car for Lakeland Village. Not that I keep it off much these days anyway. Makes it harder for people to talk to you when you don’t feel like talking.

It’s crazy because I don’t know how I feel coming back here. When we came last year, I wanted nothing to do with it. It was supposed to be a one-time thing because Dad is always busy. But then we went and I met her, and she made it okay. No, she made it fun and I started to really fucking like her.

Charlotte is cool. Different. She would talk to me half the night, and as lame as it sounds it was almost like I was the only person she ever talked to. Like she would burst open and everything would spill if she didn’t get those words out and that made me feel good. I wanted to be that person for her and I liked listening to her talk. But, hell, what could we have had besides a summer friendship? One that meant more to me than I really thought it would because I missed her when I left and I looked forward to her emails, but we also live a thousand miles away from either other.

It hurt more than I thought when I wasn’t sure if I would ever seen her again.

But then everything in my life crashed in on me. I screwed it all up; people got hurt because of me and I stopped talking to everyone—even her.

Right as the song switches, Dad says, “Almost there!” from the front seat. It’s the pseudo-happy voice he uses with me all the time now.

I click the power off on my iPod to hear Mom add, “This is just what we need. Another family summer like last year so we can spend quality time together.”

Brandon huffs from beside me and I nod at him. Yeah, like we spent that much time together last summer. He was always with Alec or Sadie and I spent my time with Charlotte.

Mom and Dad get lost in their own little world together and I look at my brother. “I’m sure you’re stoked to see Sadie again.” I want the words to sound teasing, but they’re rough and serious like everything I say nowadays.

“Eh. Not really. She was too prissy. I’m hoping she’s got someone else so I don’t have to deal with her.”

That surprises me. Though it’s not like the past six months haven’t been hard on Brandon, too. We had to deal with half the town being against us, and then we had the trial too. Brandon had to leave our school with an awesome football team, to one with only an okay team. He was pissed. Once we moved, he met friends because that’s Brandon; he’s always talking to someone about something but he hadn’t screwed around with any girls. Hell, I don’t even remember him messing with anyone since last year. I teased him about getting his heart broken by Sadie, but I never really thought that was true.

In a low voice, so our parents don’t hear, he says, “What about you and the sister? Don’t tell me you didn’t touch her last year.”

A little flash of our kiss from that last night climbs into my head. I haven’t thought about that in a long time and it makes me want to smile. She was so nervous. How she’d never even kissed someone, I don’t know, but she’d been good. I liked it way too much. Was glad I was the one who got to do it. I shake those thoughts from my head.

Without realizing it, Brandon helps with that when he says, “Nah, it don’t matter anyway. She’s probably hooked up with Alec by now.”

I groan internally, a strange sort of ache taking root in my chest. I should be used to feeling like shit by now, but I’m not. Not when it comes to Charlotte. She deserves way better than Alec. She deserves her stars.

Without answering, I turn the iPod back on and hit play, and turn to face the window. When my brother shuffles next to me, I glance over to see he’s doing the same thing.

We’re getting the same cabin as we had last summer even though we booked last minute. It doesn’t surprise me. Dad has a way of getting what he wants, which I guess is why it pissed him off so bad when everyone turned their back on us after everything went down this year.

Mom leans back and pats my leg. “We’re here!” she says with cheeriness. A weight lands in my stomach. I want to see Charlotte, but don’t. I’m scared as hell she'll be different. After all the other changes, I need her to be the same. Maybe that’s not what I should be worried about at all, though. It’s not like I don’t know I’ve changed. What if that makes things different with us? I didn’t realize it until we pulled in how important it is to me that things be the same, though after the way I treated her, I’m not sure how they can be.