Freeing Carter

"Yeah?" I feel her eyes on me in the dark truck.

"Absolutely. You're gorgeous. I totally have a hot girlfriend."

Kira laughs like I hoped she would, stalls a couple seconds and then says, "I'll think about it."

I'm not sure what that means. If she'll think about keeping her hair as it is? Like I said, I like her no matter what. I love that I never know what to expect from her, but I want her to do it just for fun, not to search for the girl who's already sitting next to me.

Kira's quieter than usual. I keep glancing at her, but her eyes stay forward. Soon, she's putting her window down all the way, her arm hanging out as she makes waves in the wind. Shouldn't be so sexy, but it is. Everything she does makes me see things differently. Even stupid arm waves.

And if anyone could hear my thoughts right now, I'd never live it down.

"You okay over there?" I ask, reaching my hand over to lay it on her thigh.

"Just thinking..."

"Truth or dare," I throw at her. It's up to her, if she wants to talk or not. That's the way we work, but this way, she knows I'm here to talk. That, just like she said, I want to know anything about her she wants to tell me.

Leaning back, she puts her feet up on my dashboard. "Truth. Lana might have found my mom."

"What?" Before she can reply, I pull over. This is definitely a park-on-the-side-of-the-road kind of conversation. The truck glows when I hit the interior light. "How did that happen?"

"I asked her to look a long time ago. She's done a lot of work for shelters around LA. Knows a lot of people. We always figured my...mom? That she had to be homeless or whatever. So people listen, ya know? One of the women, I guess she just got clean or something, she's still on the streets, but she's been asking around about a baby who was left at a shelter."

Just got clean. On the streets. Asking about a baby. "Come here." My hand cups her cheek and slides through her hair. I want nothing more than to be here for her, take care of her, let her know I'm here to listen or do whatever she needs. Because that's what she does for me, even if she doesn't realize it. And it feels good to give and take.

Kira scoots closer to me. Our foreheads touch. I'm still holding her, feeling the soft strands of her hair brushing against my fingers. "How do you feel about that? Her? I mean, do you want to meet her?"

She breathes. I breathe. We take turns, the heat of our air lingering and blending between us.

"I don't know. I mean, Lana's always been there. She loves me and I love her, so is it wrong to want to see who this lady is? I don't want to hurt Lana, and no matter what, she's my mom, but..."

I let my hand slide through her hair and cup the back of her neck.

"I also need to know who I am, Carter. She can tell me that."

"Hey." When I back away enough to see her, I notice her eyes are flooded. I've seen a lot of girls I care about cry: Mom, Sara, Mel, but nothing is like seeing Kira cry. She's fun, and wild, and free and happy. Tears don't belong in her eyes. Frowns don't belong on her lips. It's not right. "You have to do what you want, but meeting her? That's not going to tell you who you are. You already know who you are. I know who you are. You don't need her for that."

"You do?"

"I do. And I like what I see."

A smile is her reply. "I like what I see, too, Carter Shaw."

When she asks me truth or dare, the truth sticks to my tongue. I want to tell her about grandpa, about Mom, but more than that, I want tonight to be about her and making her feel better without my problems pushing their way in.

"Dare," I tell her. "Dare me to kiss you."

Kira laughs. "I don't have to dare you to do that." And then it's her who leans forward to kiss me, but right before her lips touch mine, I speak again.

"Go to winter formal with me."

"I would have thought that was a given, Coach."

We're both laughing as our lips meet in the middle.

Chapter Fifteen

"It feels weird waiting for Kira to come over here instead of picking her up. Shouldn't I lose points for that or something?" I'm standing in front of the mirror, slipping on my suit jacket. My black slacks are a little baggy, just how I like them. I thought about tucking in the white, button-up shirt, but it it's not really my style and I know Kira won't mind. She'll want me to be me. I went back and forth on the tie, but ditched it, too. Unfortunately, my Nikes had to go, replaced by a pair of black dress shoes. I can't imagine if I tried to pull this off with Mel. I probably wouldn't even have tried.

"No, you don't lose points for that. Lana had to go to work and she wants to see you guys together. Are you sure you shouldn't wear the tie?" Mom asks from the doorway.

"Nope."

"Okay, what about your hair? It's a little messy."

Kira likes it like this, I want to tell her. "I brushed it after I washed it." Mom groans so I turn to her. "Mom, I know Kira. She's not like other girls. She's different. She'd probably laugh at me if I tried too hard."

Mom steps up behind me, brushing invisible lint off my shoulders. "You really like her, don't you?"

My chest starts to feel a little tight. "Yeah."

Mom takes a couple deep breaths, and I know something big is coming. "You're being safe, right? I'm not an idiot. Even though I'd rather you waited, I know how it is. I just want to make sure you're being careful. Taking care of your responsibilities, which are to always, always use a condom."

So not the thing I want to talk about with my mom. "Mom..."

"I know it's embarrassing, but it's also important. Do you need protection? I—"

My cheeks feel hot. I don't remember the last time I blushed. Pulling away, "Lalalala," I tease. "We really don't have to do this, Ma. We're not sleeping together and if it does happen, I have it under control. I won't be stupid about it." End of story. I hope.

A smile tugs at the corners of Mom's mouth. She's been smiling a lot lately. Still not drinking, even after all the crap with Grandpa. Hopefully he'll stay hidden away in his new nursing home and we won't have to deal with him again.

"I know you won't. If I don't say it enough, there aren't words for how proud I am of you. Your father would be, too. You're so much like him." Mom touches my cheek. "Any time I'm missing him, I just have to look at you. You're a wonderful guy, just like him."

"I..." It's the first time she's said that to me. We talk about him all the time. I know how much she loved him, still loves him, but she's never told me any of this. For the millionth time, I wish he could be here with us. How different would our lives have been if he never died? I bet she wouldn't drink. I never remember her drinking when he was alive. But then...we wouldn't have Sara, either, so it's not like I can really wish for him to be here.

"I know, Carter," Mom says, saving me.

Turning toward the mirror again, I straighten the collar on my jacket. "You have to admit, I look good."

***

Holy shit.

I can't move out of the entryway to my house. One hand is on the door, the other against the wall, blocking Kira and Lana from entering, but I can't find it in myself to step out of the way. My body temperature spikes about a million degrees. I try to fight it, but my mind goes back to the conversation I had with Mom a little while ago, suddenly wanting to be in the situation where I'll need the protection she talked about.