Measuring Up

No, didn’t talk. She told me to nver stay out overnight again, but that’s al . I hit reply.

Sorry. Don’t want u in trouble. Don’t want u to fight over me.

I’m not in trouble and we nver get along. No big.

I miss you.

My heart starts to pitter-patter. I miss you too.

I love u.

I love u, too.

Nice. Ferris Buhler’s on. Old school, but love it.

I’ve never watched it. I text back.

What? It’s one of my favs. Watch it with me?

I want to, so bad, but I know I can’t leave again. My parents definitely wouldn’t let me get away with it twice. Can’t leave

I know. Turn it on. Cha

Suddenly, I get all giddy. It’s a dumb thing to get excited about after everything that’s happened, but hey, I never claimed I’d be good at all this stuff. For me, wanting to watch a movie with me, while we’re texting ranks pretty high on the sweetness scale. I pick up my remote, turn it on, and settle into my bed. It’s on.

Are u in ur room?

Yeah.

Damn. Can’t get a visual cuz I’ve never seen it.

With shaky fingers I text him a brief description of my room.

Thx. I’m on the couch, in the living room.

Okay. Oh, Matthew Broderick. Forgot he’s in this.

Shh. I like this part ;)

I can’t help it, I smile. We finish watching our movie together, Tegan texting me during all his favorite parts. LOL-ing when he laughs. All too soon the movie is over.

Going to bed. Meet me in AM to jog?

Absolutely.

Love u, A

I love u too.

***

Tegan’s there when I step out of the car the next morning. “Hey, you.” I’m tentative when I step toward him, waiting for the insecurities to hit, the nerves or

something. Waiting to see how he’ll react. It’s a big deal to see the person you had sex with for the first time afterward. A defining moment, I think. Are there any regrets? Do we feel weird? Did it change anything? Add in our talk from that night and it makes it an even bigger deal.

“Hey. You look nice. Did you put make-up on to run?” He locks his hands around my waist and pulls me toward him. My eyes automatically cast downward and

Tegan chuckles. “A

“I know. It’s lame. I just…” Have no idea how to explain without looking like a moron. Why did I put make up on? This boy has seen me with no layers, seen me

laid bare in a way no one else ever has. And I’ve seen him the same way. “I have no idea what I was thinking.”

“You were probably distracted by pure excitement at the thought of seeing me. I get it. I seem to have that affect—ouch. Don’t pinch me. Why are you always

beating me up?”

“You will never change. Not that I want you to. Ever. I should have known I can always be comfortable with you. That I don’t need to try so hard.”

“You don’t have to try at all.” He pushes my hair behind my ear. “I know who you are and you’re who I want.” His lips capture mine. It’s different and the same,

kissing him afterward. I like it even more.

A few seconds later, I break the kiss. “Come on. Run with me.”

“Slave driver,” he teases, already starting to jog. Easily, I fall in line with him, keeping pace. Maybe even setting it.

***

Tegan hasn’t texted me for two days. Let me rephrase that, he’s replied to my texts, one or two word answers, he’s even told me he loves me the couple times we

actually spoke on the phone, but he hasn’t called first. He hasn’t texted first.

For the first time since the begi

I’m a worrier, right? Always waiting for the other shoe to drop—which is about the dumbest saying in the world, if you ask me, but that has to be what this is.

Tegan wouldn’t be pulling away. It’s not him. Unlike me, he’s not a ru

I turn off the engine to see him waiting for me out front, like always. See? Everything’s okay, I try and tell myself. He pushes off the wall and comes toward me.

“Hey.”

“Hey, A

The weight starts to lose its pull. “I missed you too. Is everything okay?”

He tries to smile. I physically see how much effort he puts into it, but it’s not the same smile I know. It’s not Tegan. “It’s better now.”

As he pulls me toward him, and kisses me, all I think is no, it’s not better. Something’s wrong that he doesn’t want to share with me.

***

Tegan’s arms are shaking as he pushes the weight bar up again. It’s more weight than he usually lifts. More repetitions than he usually does. Each push of the bar,

puts a crack in my heart. Something’s off. I feel it in the nausea churning in my gut. See it in fierceness of Tegan’s workout.

“That’s twelve. That’s enough, right?”

“Two more,” he pushes up again, and that’s when it happens. He grunts. Now, I know that’s a ridiculous thing to let bother me, but it does. It echoes through the room until that’s all I hear, because it’s not Tegan’s style. As much as he likes to pretend to be cocky, he’s not a showoff. He doesn’t try and out-lift everyone in the gym, grunting his way to the top by pushing more weight than he can handle. I bite my lip, then jump when the bar clanks back into its spot.

“Tegan.” I touch his arm when he stands up, a little zip of electricity zapping from him to me. “What’s wrong? You know you can tell me anything.” And I can

say anything to him, no fear.

He sighs, then drops his head forward. It takes him a few minutes before his eyes raise to mine again. “Shit. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. Just tell me what’s going on.”

He grabs my hand and weaves through the workout machines and out the front door. Like always, my hand feels warm in his. Feels right and I know right now

we’re going to talk and everything’s going to be better again. He leans against my car, which is parked right in front of the gym and then in that familiar way, he holds my waist and pulls me toward him. His body is tense and when he smiles, it’s the Ken smile.

“I’m all screwed up right now.”

I push myself closer to him, needing to feel him, all of him, tight against me. “Why? What can I do?”

“Nothing.” He shakes his head. “I just…I just have to work it out, but I love you. Just bear with me and I’ll figure it all out.” For the first time, I worry he’s lying to me. Maybe even lying to himself. His voice is off. And even though he might not know it, deep down inside, as deep as the marrow in my bones, I somehow know

I’m going to lose him. How will I do this without him?

“I’m here. I’ll do anything you need. I’ll always be here for you.”

He brushes my cheek with the back of his hand. “I love you. I’ll work it out.” It’s everything I want, but not enough at the same time, but when his lips meet mine, I can’t help but hope I’m wrong. That this is a little blip in time that means nothing. That things will magically get better by the way his tongue dips so needy, into my mouth.

“Holy shit! A

I freeze against Tegan, but it’s nothing compared to the way his body u

“It is you.” He elbows Patrick. “Dude, check it out. A

“Who the hell are you?” Tegan steps away from me and toward Billy.

I see a light in Billy’s eyes that tells me he’s about to do something stupid. He knows he’s untouchable. For some reason he likes hurting me. “Tegan, let’s go.”

“Is this him?” He looks at me and I know he knows this is Billy.