Masquerade

“You fell in love, didn’t you?” Melody’s voice is soft in my ear.

“Yes.” The word comes out automatically. A part of me wants her to know it before I say good-bye.

And he accepts who I am and tries to be there for me too. I know to the marrow of my bones he would be there for me with this. He’s tried. All I do is push him away. “I don’t know if I can love him the way he deserves.” One more time, I look at her. “I can’t forgive you for taking me but… I don’t hate you either.”

She gives me a sad smile.

“Good-bye.” After hanging up the phone, I walk out of the room.

* * *

The house I lived in with Melody and Rex is empty. I don’t know anything other than that, which means at any moment, someone could find me here. It doesn’t matter.

I’m wrapped up tight in a sweatshirt and jacket as I sit in the backyard, waiting for the stars. Actually, I don’t even think it’s for them I’m waiting on, but for answers.

Somehow I thought telling Melody how I feel—by getting a good-bye—I would magically change. That didn’t happen.

It’s late afternoon, probably an hour or so before dusk. Mom’s called but I ignore it like I do pretty much anything important in my life.

My eyes dart to the side of the house when I hear the gate open. I don’t try to move. What’s the point? Whoever comes through will see me and know I’m not supposed to be here, and I’ll deal with it.

“Bee?” A cocktail of excitement and fear shoots through me at the sound of Maddox’s voice, right before he steps around the side of the small house. “Hey…”

“How…?” It doesn’t even occur to me to be mad. He had to have talked to my parents or something to find out enough about me to think to look here. Instead of that anger, the tenseness in me releases and my heart slows.

“You’re going to be pissed.” He smirks but it’s obviously an effort.

“Tell me anyway.”

“I looked in your desk… I found the articles, did some more detective work that led me here, and people in town are quick to answer questions. Finding the house was the easy part.”

I feel a moment of panic and shame at the thought of him reading about my past, but I’m so numb that it fizzles away.

He kneels in front of me and I wish like hell he would touch me.

“Why didn’t you tell me, baby?”

My chest swells at the endearment. It’s not something I ever would have thought I’d like—to be called baby. “It’s not usually my conversation starter, Scratch.”

He frowns. “And that’s still where we are? We haven’t moved forward at all since we met?”

There’s a pain in Maddox’s voice I’ve never heard directed toward me before. “You know that’s not true. You’re…” Everything. “You know I suck at this.” He still hasn’t shaved and I wish I could rub the dark stubble on his face.

“You know that’s a bullshit excuse. I don’t know how to do this either.”

This time I can’t stop myself from touching him. I haven’t been able to since we first met and I don’t think I want to. “You do, Maddox… You might not know it but you’re good at it.”

Maddox sits next to me in the middle of the lawn. “If I was good at it, I wouldn’t have told you to leave. I would have told you I loved you and if you weren’t ready to say it back, I would have supported you and been there for you. Probably would have fucked up a few times but I would have been there until you were able to trust me.”

This is how you love. Right here, what he’s doing.

It’s probably the wrong thing to do, most girls probably wouldn’t, but I need to be close to him, so I crawl forward and climb into Maddox’s lap. Facing him, I straddle his lap and touch his hair to make sure he’s really here.

The things he said I never would have imagined hearing coming out of his mouth and they were scary, but somehow that fear is eclipsed by their beauty. “I trust you probably more than I have anyone in my life. I… That’s why I came here. I thought maybe if I understood how they felt or why they took me, I could…”

When my words trail off, Maddox speaks. “I talked to Adrian. I told him about Ash. He’s telling Laney. I would have. I needed to go, though. I had to be here—”

“Oh my God.” I try to push off him. He holds me instead. “You shouldn’t be here. I’m so sorry. How could I have forgotten? Your mom. You need to be with your sister. You shouldn’t have followed me all the way to Kansas.”

Maddox shakes his head, holding me tight. “I needed to do something for me.”

A tear slips out of my eye. “You came here.”

“Because I need you.”

I have never wanted to swoon over a guy before. I never thought that was me. There have been hot guys and I’ve screwed around with them or admired them but that’s all. Maddox is so much more than that. His words burn me alive and make me melt at the same time. They fill me when I’ve made myself empty for so long.

“I’m scared.”

He pushes my hair behind my ear. “I am too.”

“I’ve lost so much. I lost my parents, my sister, and then Rex and Melody.” In this moment, I’m glad he read the articles… glad he knows everything. Still, there’s a part of me that wants to be the one to tell him.

“I was so scared to love them when I went back home. I didn’t know how to be who they expected me to be and felt guilty for it at the same time. They love me and I hurt them. Rex and Melody claimed to love me but they hurt me. What if… I don’t want to lose you too.”

“My dad hurt all of us. I hurt Mom and Mom hurt us. I think… that’s life, baby. It doesn’t come with a guarantee. Just know I’m not walking away from you. I’ve never wanted anything in my life enough to actually fight for it. I’ve folded and given up but I’ll be damned if I give up my fight for you.”

Wrapping my arms around him, I cry into Maddox’s neck. I hold him so tightly that I fear I’m hurting him before I realize nothing can hurt him. Not really. He’s strong and he’ll keep going and he makes me want to do the same. Like him, I realize I’ve never really fought for much. I’ve spent my life like I’m living some kind of masquerade. I became Bee instead of fighting to be Leila. I didn’t accept my parents’ love so I wouldn’t lose it and I clung to Rex and Melody because I knew I could never really have it. They were in prison so it wasn’t like I could really have their love; therefore, I wouldn’t have the pain of losing it.

Melody and Rex love me. I don’t doubt that and… I know my parents do too. I’m tired of holding back, so I don’t show them the same.

“We’ll fight together. We’ll learn how to do this together. I love you, too, Maddox. You made your mark on me that first night I met you and it hasn’t gone away.”

“You mean it wasn’t my mad tattooing skills?” This time when he smiles, it’s real.

“No.”

A serious look crosses his face again. “You don’t need to be anyone other than who you are. Not for me.”

I drop my forehead to his. He’s never wanted me to be anyone else. He never pushed even when he should have. “I know… Thank you. I love who you are. I love who we are together.” And I want more. I want it all. I want my life back. “I want you to go home with me. I have to fix things with my family. I’d like you to meet them. If it’s too much—”

“It’s not.”

At that, I smile. “I need to start over. I think…” When I look at him, I know. “The only way to find myself is doing it with the people I love.”

“You’re you. The name you go by doesn’t matter.”

And I know he’s right. I also know he needs to fight some of his demons and I want nothing more than to be by his side. “You need to go home, too, Maddox. You have things to work out with your sister and—”

“I need to say good-bye to my mom.”

The look in his eyes tells me there’s more he needs to say to her than that. He needs to make amends, even if it’s with a ghost.

“Do you want me to go with you?”

“I need you to go with me. Just like I need to go with you to see your family.” With that, Maddox’s lips come down on mine. It’s an urgent, needy kiss. My hands go into his hair and his go under my sweatshirt to rest on my waist. The kiss is wild and passionate, and a mixture of so many emotions just like love is. It’s raw, all of us open for hurt when we chose to let love in. But open for beauty too. A tattoo on your heart with the colors and images of who each of us really is. Emotional art.