Facade

I wink and then remember she can’t see me. Christ. What the hell is wrong with me?

“We could just find our room, if you want. It looks cold outside. I’m sure we can order something.”

I want nothing more than to get her to a hotel. Want to finish what we started the other night. I tell myself it’s because ever since I met her, I haven’t touched another girl. My fingers itch to explore her body. My tongue wants to taste her again. I tell myself it has nothing to do with it being her. I need it to be true.

“You know I still want you, right? That if we’re going to be alone in a room all night, I’m going to want to do more than taste you this time.” Sex is one of the few things in my life I’m completely honest about. I can pretend to be a good guy, pretend I’m not going to want her, since I know that’s all I’ll give her, but we both know who I am. Or she knows as best as she can.

I stop at a red light, the glow enough so we can see each other. It’s one of the few times I can’t really make out what she’s thinking. There’s a lot going on behind those shadowed eyes of hers, but I don’t know what it is. Or maybe I don’t want to know.

“If… if I didn’t want you, too, I wouldn’t be here.” Her chin juts out and damned if I’m not proud of her. I

“Good to know.” This time when I wink at her, she can see me. A honk comes from behind me and I pull away, pretending she’s not fucking with my head.

It doesn’t take us long to find a hotel. It’s not the best place, but it’s also not a piece of shit either.

We get out of the car and grab our bags. When we get inside, Delaney says, “I need to run to the rest room real quick. Here…” She starts to dig in her purse.

“I got it, Little Ghost. You’re here because of me.” Before she can reply to that, I walk up to the counter. The guy working there can’t be much older than Delaney. Probably eighteen, maybe nineteen if he’s lucky. Not that at twenty-two I’m that much older than either of them, but I think the little ghost and I have seen a lot more than this kid probably has. I eye him as he watches her walk away. I know her jeans are hugging her ass because I saw them earlier. I get why he’s staring, but he needs to stop.

“Something interesting, man?” Not that it’s any of my business.

“My bad.” He doesn’t look at me when he asks about the room.

I open my mouth to tell him a single king room, but then all sorts of thoughts that aren’t usually in my head start to slip in. She isn’t like other girls and I don’t want to push her, no matter what I said earlier. And what if she needs space or something like that?

“Just gimme two queens.” I give him my card and get it back with the keys a few seconds later. I turn around to see Delaney sitting next to a little girl in the lobby. She’s helping her tie her shoe, while the mom is corralling another kid.

Ashton would have been about this little girl’s age. As soon as I think about it, I see his brown eyes and think about the shirt in my bag that I usually keep under my pillow. Red clouds my vision. Blood. So much fucking blood. Suddenly I’m pissed. Or maybe it’s hurt that’s clawing its way into my chest. I don’t know, but whatever it is, I want to evict it. I’m so fucking tired of feeling this way, but should I have a choice?

Ashton didn’t have one…

I watch Delaney smile at the girl. Watch as the mom says thank you and Delaney replies. And when she turns to look at me, the feeling in my chest multiplies. It’s like she has her heart in her hand and it’s broken. She’s holding it out and showing me all the little pieces. Or maybe it’s my heart. Just another thing I don’t know. The only thing that’s clear is she looks sad, like she can read my emotions and somehow knows I’m wrecked. It feels good to have someone see it, to have someone really get something in me, but I want to hide it from her too. Hide it because I can’t handle the idea of anyone knowing.

“Got the room?” Slowly she walks toward me. Instead of replying, I hold up the key cards and head back outside to take the stairs to our room. We’re silent as we make our way upstairs. I hold the door open for her as she walks in, letting it close behind us.

“Two beds?” She sets her bag down.

The urge to smile tries to fight its way through. “It’s all they had.” We both know it’s a bullshit lie.

She turns around to look at me. “I’m going to take a shower.”

It’s her way of giving me space. This girl is fucking incredible. “Thanks. What do you want to eat? I’ll go get it and come back.”

We decide on pizza. I jump in the car and head to the restaurant I saw on the way in. The whole time I’m thinking about her. I see her with the little girl, but that’s only a second of it. I think about how she just let me off the hook. People give me shit about being psychic, but it’s her who’s the reader. At least when it comes to me. No one else would have known I wanted space like that.

While I’m waiting for the food, I don’t know what makes me do it, but I pull my cell out of my pocket and call Colt. We don’t do conversations for no reason, so when he picks up, the first thing he says is, “I’m with my girl. I’m not partying tonight.”

“I’m not even in town, man.”

“Where is he?” Cheye

Fuck. Why the hell did I call him? “I don’t know. Some town a few hours away… with Delaney.”

There’s a rustling sound like Colt’s covering the phone with his hand. I hear him tell Cheye

“I remember sitting around that little fucking table in your kitchen not too long ago when you told me I was different with Chey. I thought you were fucking crazy. Or maybe I didn’t and I was just too big of a pussy to admit it, but you still told me.”

“Is this where you pretend to return the favor? I’m not you, man. I can’t.” I shut my words down there, not willing to go any farther. What am I supposed to say? That I run away from everyone because I can’t handle shit? That I let a helpless little boy die because I only think of myself? Not going to happen.

“Fuck that. It doesn’t matter. You think I was the type to fall for someone before Chey? No matter how much you might want to, you can’t control that.”

Yes, I can.

“The fact that you’re away with her now… hell, the fact that you’re calling me about this proves it.”

Can I?

“Listen, bro, I’m standing outside freezing my balls off while I’m talking to you. Then I’m going to turn around and walk back into my apartment. I’m going to crawl into bed with a beautiful fucking woman. I’m going to make love to her and then I’m going to talk to her and she’ll make me laugh and then we’ll probably get into an argument and then we’ll do it again. When the worst shit in my life was happening, I had that girl with me. She never left me even though I probably didn’t deserve her. I’ve never had something like that and let me tell you, it’s fucking incredible. Way better than that other shit. I don’t know what’s going to happen with Delaney, but don’t be a pussy. Don’t fuck it up before it has a chance to happen.” The line goes dead. Not that I’m surprised. That’s Colt.

I twist my phone around in my hand as I think about what he said. For once, I want to do it. Just let go and not in the helpless, I-don’t-give-a-shit way, but forget the past, even if it’s only for a little while.