Charade

              I nod. After glancing once more at the closed curtain of Colt’s room I follow her. Adrian stays with me the whole time—helping with some of the information on Colt. I don’t even know his birthday. How can I not know his birthday?

              I tell them what happened. They call the cops, promising to let me know the second they know anything about him.

              My legs are shaking so bad it’s hard to walk, but I can’t make myself sit down either. Adrian watches me the whole time, but doesn’t speak. He’s always so laid back, but right now, he’s uptight. Tense. He looks as panicky as I feel.

              The cops come and we still don’t know anything about Colt. I tell them what happened. They want to know who pushed who first. I don’t want to tell them since it was Colt. It was all a screwed-up accident.

              I give them Gregory’s full name. I don’t know anyone else’s.

              “Her ex-boyfriend is an asshole. He’s a spoiled, rich kid who doesn’t like to lose and he lost.” Adrian storms out of the room. Guilt knocks the air out of me. Choking me. This is all because of me. Because of the stupid game I made him play.

              I finish giving them information and give them my phone number. I’m walking away as I say the last numbers. I wring my hands together as I approach the desk. “I need to check on Colton.” I’m almost scared to ask, but I need to know. He has to be okay. Has to.

              “Is there any family?” the desk clerk asks. Me, I think. I’m family.

“They were asking about parents.”

              “His mo—” Oh God. How could I have almost forgotten that quickly? Bev is dead. She only died hours ago. I shake my head. “No. His mom just passed away.”

              She sighs, but I can tell it’s because she feels bad.

              “Please.” I hate begging. Hate it. I’ll do anything in this moment. Weakness or strength doesn’t matter. Nothing matters but Colt.

              Adrian appears out of nowhere, stepping up beside me. I feel like we’re a team. The both of us loving the guy in the emergency room. It’s crazy because I don’t know him well. He’s there a lot, smokes a lot of pot. I never would have thought he’d be the kind of guy I’d be friends with, but then I never thought I’d fall in love with Colt either. The both of them are better than Gregory and his friends would ever be.

              “Tell us,” Adrian says, his voice pained.

              She sighs again. “Since you’re the one who brought him in, I guess it’s okay. Let me get the nurse.”

              She slips through the door. Again I pace. I’ve cried so many tears my face is finally dry, but it doesn’t change how I feel in the inside. I’m breaking apart in there.

              The sliding door opens and it’s the doctor who comes out. Adrian slips an arm around me, to steady himself or me, I don’t know.

              “You’re his…”

              “Fiancé,” I lie.

              She’s a female doctor, with short blond hair.              “We ran some scans and there’s slight swelling on his brain, and a bleed. It’s where the blood is trapped with nowhere to go. When the surgery is done, he’ll go into the ICU. We’ll give him a couple days, run some more tests in the meantime. We won’t know much until then.”

              I almost fall, but Adrian holds me up.

“He only hit his head!” Which sounds ridiculous, but people fall and hit their head all the time. One minute he was standing there and that quickly, over a stupid fight that has to do with me, he’s having surgery and going to the ICU.

              “Our heads are very fragile. Sometimes that’s all it takes. The truth is, he can wake up and be fine. Have no side effects. You never know with the brain, but…”

              He also might not. Or have brain damage. I’m sure there are more possibilities than I know about. I don’t want to hear them. “Can…can I stay with him?”

              She nods. “When he’s settled in his room. No more than two visitors in the ICU rooms though.”

              I nod and she goes back into the ER.

              “Can I use your phone?” I ask Adrian. He nods. “I don’t know Maggie’s number. We should call her.”

              I have no idea how I sound so steady right now. I feel like I’m falling apart.

“Keep my phone. I’ll go tell her. Give me the keys to your car too and I’ll grab yours.”

              I give him the keys and Adrian doesn’t wait for me to say thank you. He leaves.

              My fingers move quickly on the screen. It’s late, but Aunt Lily picks up on the second ring. “Hello?”

              “Lily. It’s Chey. Please come. Colt’s hurt. I need you.”

***

              I sit at Colt’s bed, holding his hand in the same way he held his mom’s. It’s not right. Not fair, but I’m learning—or maybe I’ve always known, that life never really is.

              Adrian’s in the waiting room. He went out so Lily could sit with me. There is a tube in Colt’s throat, helping him breathe. There’s so many buttons, machines, beeping. Each time an alarm goes off I jump. We don’t know when or if he’ll wake up.

              I can’t keep my eyes off him. His hair, his mouth. I want to touch his cheek. Kiss him. Hold him. How can we be here? After Bev we shouldn’t be sitting here wondering if Colt will be okay.

              I glance back at Lily. She gives me a sad smile, stands up and walks over behind me. Her hands rest on my shoulders and I’m so thankful she’s here. I haven’t been fair to her. Maybe ever. I never let myself really get close to her after Mom left. Haven’t talked to her much since we found out Mom died, but she’s here. Here by my side. By Colt’s, regardless of how I never really let her in.

              I want to deserve her.

              “I have nightmares,” is the first thing that comes out of my mouth. Lily gives a small gasp behind me, but waits for me to continue. As soon as the words are out I’m glad I’m finally sharing them with her.

              “After mom…I’ve started having nightmares. Really only when I sleep alone. Colt helps. Maybe just to know someone’s there. I used to have them right after Mom left…died? I don’t even know the right word to use. But then. I had them then too.” It’s a huge weight off my chest. Like I’m bridging the gap between us I always fought to keep there.

              “Oh, sweetheart. Why didn’t you ever say anything?”

              I shrug. “Because I was afraid. I didn’t want to be weak. Didn’t want to have to depend on anyone. I was scared to count on you because I thought you would leave like she did. Because it had to be me, right? There was no other reason a mom would leave her daughter.”

              My eyes pool, but I manage to keep the tears from falling.

              “It’s not you. It was never you, Cheye

              I nod because I do. “Soon, it was just easy to keep it up. Even when you had me talk to the doctor in the begi

              Her grip tightens on my shoulder. “I used to feel like it was my fault your mom turned out how she did. Maybe I wasn’t a good enough sister. I wanted so much to make it right for you and I thought I did. I didn’t pay close enough attention.”

              “No,” I whisper, but still can’t look at her. “It wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t anyone’s fault.” I pause and take a few breaths. “Colt could die…. Or have lasting injuries. He just lost his mom and he could lose so much more on top of that. In a second. Because of a stupid fight. We wasted so much time playing games… He gave me so much and I never told him.”