Flat-Out Matt

“I couldn't help it,” he whispered back.

He was quiet for a moment. The charge between them—it was the elevator chat all over again. When there was trust, and honesty, and salvation, and love. He felt it. “Julie?”

“Yeah, Matt?”

He took a breath before he spoke, before he would say what was going to change everything. “It's like we're free—”

“Oh my God!” Julie said, cutting him off. “I totally forgot to ask you.”

“Um… Ask me what?” Matt's heart was pounding.

“My friend Dana wants you to call her.”

How could he for one minute have thought that her heart was his? Stupid. It was utterly impossible. It was good thing that she’d stopped him from saying anything. Matt fought to fake his usual tone, fending off the tremble that wanted to take over. “That's not asking me anything.”

“Stop correcting me. She wants to go out with you, you dork!”

“Oh.” Matt groaned with more drama than necessary, but he needed a reason to turn his head away. Getting flustered was not something he was used to. Or liked. “I don't know about that.”

“Matty, come on. You never go out!” Julie pleaded. “She's really cool. You'd like Dana.”

“I'll think about it. How's that?” he offered. The last thing that he felt like talking about with Julie was taking out her friend. Good God, this was awful. Julie sounded so genuinely enthusiastic about the idea of him going out with someone else. She felt nothing for him, that was now clear. There was no Fi

“Have you ever had a girlfriend?”

Matt turned back and wrinkled his face. Did she really think he was that inexperienced? Or that he was that undesirable? “Of course I've had a girlfriend. What kind of question is that?”

Julie shrugged. “I don't know. You never mention anyone.”

“I will admit that the romantic area of my life has been slow recently. I simply don't have time to go out with anyone right now. You know what my schedule is like with school and with Celeste.”

“So you haven't dated since…you know? Celeste. The Flat Fi

“Not much. I had a pretty serious girlfriend, but then…” Matt struggled for how to say what he wanted to without saying too much. “Things changed around here.”

“With Celeste?”

Matt nodded.

She didn't say anything for a minute. “When something happened?”

Matt nodded again.

“I'm sorry,” Julie said. “Because whatever it is, I can tell that you're dealing with it too. Maybe someday you'll want to tell me about it.”

 “Maybe someday,” Matt agreed. He wasn't one for talking deeply about anything to do with Fi

“I love Celeste, but she's hurting you, isn't she?”

“Don't say that. I would sell my soul for my sister.”

“I know you would.” Julie spoke slowly, and Matt knew that she was choosing her words with particular care. “But you must be angry with Fi

“I am angry with Fi

He was angry with Fi

He was angry with Fi

He was angry with Fi

He was angry with Fi

“He has a right to his life, Matt.”

The irony of Julie's words hit him hard. “Believe me, I know he does.”

“Do you two usually get along?”

This was a difficult question to answer. “We used to. And then…we didn't.” Yes, he and Fi

“Celeste thinks you're a hero. Don't you see how she looks at you? She adores you.”

“Not the way she adores Fi

“You don't sound as though you like Fi

“On the contrary. He's incredible. He's vivacious and relaxed and unrestrained. Fi

“So Celeste used to be more like Fi

“She did,” Matt said softly. It hurt, remembering Celeste when she was spirited and nearly irrepressible in wonderful ways. Matt wasn't able to save that part of her.

“I think she's doing better, don't you? A little bit? She pitched a fit because I couldn't find the second season of Glee the other day. I think that's a good sign.”

“What is Glee?” Matt didn't understand half of Julie's references.

“Don't worry about it. It's a good thing. And she's asking for trendy clothes for Christmas and wants me to take her shopping too.”

“So she's becoming devoid of individuality? Exactly what I hoped for.”

“Shut up. These are good things. Flat Fi

“I can.” Matt sighed. Julie could give Celeste what he couldn't. He knew nothing about this kind of stuff. “You're probably better for her than I am.”

“But you do really important stuff. She needs someone like you to take care of her. Your mother is…having a hard time too, I think.”

Matt nodded. Julie was starting to understand too much about this household. Maybe that was a good thing. Maybe it would bring them all closer to the truth. And maybe it would destroy them all. “I know. She is having a horrible time. Both my parents are. Why do you think she and my father are out of the house so much? They can't stand to be here.” Damn it. He could feel his eyes welling up and hoped that Julie couldn't see. The way she could get to him like no one else could was both hated and much needed. Matt ran his hands through his hair. “Julie, I'm tired. I don't want to be Celeste's parent. I can't.”

There. He had done it. Confessed one of the most painful truths of the aftermath. He was ashamed at how much he resented the role he had been forced to take on.

Neither of them said anything for a few minutes.

Although he couldn't take much more of this conversation, he did sense something: Julie had just healed a little piece of his pain. The way she could gently access parts of him that he’d pushed away for so long stu