Whisper to Me

My fingers hovered over the keys on my phone. I could be an adult and resolve this once and for all. Or I could go back to pretending to work this all out in my head. Like I thought I had been doing for the last three years. Thinking I was tough and confident and had gotten over Miles.

Hell, I’d even been too chicken to confide in the girlfriends I’d made in college. Even though they had laid out all of their shit in front of me. Allowed me to see their flaws while I permitted them to see only one side of me. The fun, no-cares-in-the-world, fake part of me.

Except for the last few weeks before break. I’d admit to becoming a bit of a softie because of my anxiety about returning home for the summer. I’d even told them a couple of stories about growing up with Dakota. I remember how my chest ached when I’d mentioned Kai. I’d felt tears gathering behind my eyes, but I had ignored the physical clue that I’d been missing him.

They hadn’t, apparently. Without even realizing it, they stopped talking and stared at me like I had three heads. As if I’d been abducted by aliens and replaced by some sentimental sap. I made a joke, suggesting I was emotional because I was getting my period, but I could tell they didn’t exactly believe me.

So maybe it was time to get my shit together, so I could move on. Where to, I didn’t exactly know. But moving forward would be a good thing.

Me: Okay, fine.

Chapter Fourteen Kai

Dakota, Rachel, and I were spread out in the living room, watching a movie on the big screen. This was the first time we’d been home together in the last couple of nights, given our different work schedules and activities.

I saw Dakota in passing at the casino, of course. She worked in the third-floor finance office with my mom, and her hours were different. I was mostly on second shift, which was cool by me, because I got to check out the consistently lame bands. There had been only one group that had a decent set of chops. They were mainly instrumental and played an eclectic set of music that sounded like a mix between jazz and psychedelic, and sometimes added old school punk.

As they were knocking back a few while on break the other night, I told them their sound was similar to a couple of bands I’d worked with in the recording studio in Amsterdam. Turned out their drummer, Cameron, knew Johan from a tour he’d done with another crew in the Netherlands.

Johan had helped them mix a CD that they’d passed out at their shows. Over a couple of beers after their set, I told Cameron what had happened to get me kicked out of Johan’s studio. He said that Johan’s girlfriend had quite the reputation for screwing around on the side. Then we exchanged numbers in case they needed an extra bass player to jam with, and I came away feeling as if maybe I’d made a new friend.

When I’d gotten home from work one night that week, I’d wondered if Rachel was awake and wanted some company. Not that I’d ever barge into her room. But I had hoped she’d maybe heard me come in and would want to talk or hang out.

She and Dakota had been to the local bar earlier that night, and I hadn’t been able to help worrying about whether Rachel had met or hooked up with anybody. I had been pretty sure that wouldn’t happen while she was with Dakota, let alone while she was home, unless she’d been very discreet. And the only person I wanted her to be discreet with was me.

I certainly had no desire to be with any other girl after our night together. Not in forever, actually. Not that Rachel knew that or would ever figure it out. But I couldn’t help hoping for another opportunity for her to seek me out, if only to comfort her. I’d welcome Rachel’s rice-flower scent wrapping around me. Along with her legs.

I adjusted myself in the chair and grabbed a handful of popcorn from the bowl Dakota had placed on the coffee table.

Tonight we were watching The Princess Bride, and Rachel and Dakota were in their pajamas, which for chicks consists of cotton shorts and tank tops. Thankfully Rachel still had her bra on, because I think I’d lose my mind if she ever decided to forego it around me. I’d heard chicks talking about how constricting bras could be, and I’m sure if I hadn’t been living there she would have had those puppies hanging loose.

Sometime in my senior year everything had shifted with Rachel. I had noticed for the first time that she was hot—and all of my friends had made the same determination. I became totally protective of her around my boys, who’d just assumed I was being an overbearing big brother. And of course I had been, but now that I thought back on it, I hadn’t wanted anyone having dirty thoughts about her, period.

During a commercial break, Dakota turned to Rachel. “So how strange was it for you to hang with Miles last night at the bar?”

I sucked in a sharp breath. That was new information. She hadn’t told me she’d even spoken to her ex again.

I’d never thought Miles was good enough for Rachel. He was a big-name jock at the school, walked around like he owned the place, and Rachel had totally fallen for that bullshit. It wasn’t that I hated jocks. Shane had played sports as well. But he hadn’t been a total douche with a God complex like Miles had been. Like he still was, damn it.

When I’d heard Miles had taken her out on Shane’s motorcycle without a fucking helmet, I’d almost killed the guy. He’d come away with some cuts and bruises, while Rachel had suffered a near-fatal head injury.

The next time I laid eyes on him, I punched him square in the face, with little warning. His weight and build might have been an advantage, but I had rage and raw instinct on my side. Had Shane not pulled me off of him, I would have broken all the bones in his goddamn body, too.

“It was . . . different,” Rachel mumbled, and fiddled with the afghan that she’d wrapped around her knees. “Uneventful, really.”

I pocketed my phone and picked up my beer, trying not to act like I had a ticking time bomb ready to detonate inside my chest. “So you took my advice to get some closure?”

Had I seriously told her that? Maybe I needed to kick my own ass.

“Not exactly,” she said. “He sent me a text and asked to meet.”

My stomach tightened. “And?”

“And . . . he met me at the bar. Dakota walked away to play darts with Julia.” She worried her bottom lip between her teeth. “I expected more, I guess. More drama or something. But all I felt was numb. He’d said he wanted to explain some things, but he never did. So we just played catch up, then he walked me out, and that was it.”

Did she let him touch her? I clenched my fists and looked away.

“To be honest, you didn’t seem all that . . . interested. In him or anything he had to say,” Dakota said.

Rachel shrugged.

“If you finally wrap things up with Miles, maybe you can start dating again.”

Rachel scrunched up her face. “I’m not sure I care about dating, Dakota.”

“Seriously? C’mon, Rachel.” Dakota huffed out a breath. “You’re young and gorgeous and there’s a really cool guy at the casino I want to hook you up with.”

“What guy?” I said, trying to keep the alarm out of my voice.

“Knock off your protective-big-brother act. You probably haven’t run into him yet,” she said. “He works in the accounts payable office.”

My jaw ticked. Of course, someone who actually had his shit together. Unlike me.

“No thanks,” Rachel said, and I released the breath I’d been holding. “Besides, I’m only here for the summer.”

Her words were like a knee to the stomach. And a reality check for me as well.

“Then just be casual. I bet you haven’t had that kind of fun in a while,” Dakota said, wiggling her eyebrows.

Rachel kept her eyes straight ahead, trying like hell to avoid making eye contact with me.

“It’s been three years. It’s time.”