Before You Break

His lips lifted at the corners and our eyes met in one long unblinking look. And that’s when I knew. Really knew. That we’d be okay. That we’d work through all of this, together.

He scooted closer, his thigh brushing against mine. “How do you live with the what-ifs?” he asked.

“Neither one of us will ever know if our actions would have produced a different result. Or maybe delayed the inevitable,” I said. “We’ll never know. And we need to learn how to live with that.”

He nodded and looked at me with tenderness in his eyes. “I’m begi

“Had you never called the hotline, I wouldn’t have known this amazingly gentle side of you yet,” I said, reaching out and brushing my fingers against his cheek. He closed his eyes in relief. “For what it’s worth, Daniel Qui

His eyes sprang open and there was panic visible in them again. “You don’t feel differently about me now?”

“Yeah, I do.” His face fell and I nudged his knee with mine. “My feelings for you are much stronger now.”

His breath caught and he dipped his head. My fingers grazed his hairline and he shuddered. He brought my hand to his mouth, his lips resting at the center of my palm.

I felt his tender kiss all the way down to my toes.

“And what about me?” I asked cautiously. “Do you feel differently?”

“Sometimes I’d lie awake at night, fantasizing about the Ella part of you.” He traced his fingers against my jaw. “But I’d be desperate to talk to the Gabby part of you. So now I’ve got them both.”

“Qui

“Gabriella’s a pretty name,” he said, trailing his fingers through my hair, as if combing away my worries. “For a pretty girl.”

He moved his face toward mine and then tenderly brushed his lips across my cheekbone. I trembled in the wake of his touch as his fingers stroked where his lips had just been.

“Am I allowed to kiss Gabby?” he said, nuzzling my ear. Every nerve ending in my body pulsed against him.

“Please,” I whispered. “She wants you to.”

When his lips finally moved over mine I sighed against his mouth. I was so thankful to feel his skin next to mine again. His tongue fluttered out to meet mine and I got lost in his deep and powerful kiss.

I pulled away to catch my breath. “For the record, Daniel kisses better than Qui

“Is that right?” His forehead creased, and I realized I’d come to appreciate that little line that appeared smack-dab in the center of his eyebrows.

“Yes,” I said, kissing his ear. “Because now I can feel all of him.”

He tugged me down on the sand and we kissed until our tongues were swollen and our lips were bruised. But our eyes remained open and our hearts became full.

Chapter Thirty

Qui

We pulled up to Hartford Memorial Cemetery as Ella clutched her bouquet of yellow daisies. She looked anxious even though she told me that she’d been here last month on Christopher’s birthday. So maybe her nervousness had everything to do with me being with her this time.

After our night at the cliff, I felt insanely closer to Ella. It was like we’d clicked on many different levels. I still don’t know how it was possible that I’d met someone like her, let alone called her on the hotline, too.

When Ella said it was fate, I just bit my damn tongue. But maybe she was right. And maybe if I’d never called that hotline, I’d still have been inspired by Ella to become a better version of myself. It was like I’d been drowning and she’d come along and saved me. But she wouldn’t have agreed with that summation. She’d say that she’d encouraged me to save myself.

And she was right. Because I had. But she’d been the catalyst, that was for damn sure.

And maybe, just maybe, I had found some small way to save her, too.

“You ready, pretty girl?” I said, slinking her hair away from her neck. I restrained myself from kissing her soft skin because then we’d never leave the car.

She gave me that adorable smile that softened my insides. “Let’s go.”

She led me toward the row of tombstones across the way until she found her brother’s.

She smoothed her hand across the stone where his name had been etched. And then she sank down to her knees and I followed suit.

“Hey, Christopher, I want you to meet someone very special. His name is Daniel Qui

I had trouble finding my voice. Suddenly this had become very personal and very real. I squeezed her hand. “Hi, Christopher.”

“You would love him, Chris.” She swiped a tear from her cheek and I felt the back of my eyes prickling. “And guess what? The dude will play Minecraft with me for hours.”

I gri

We sat on the ground for maybe twenty minutes more while she told Christopher about school, the suicide hotline, how we’d met, and how the family was holding up.

As we headed out of the graveyard, my stomach tightened in anticipation for our next destination. I hadn’t been there since the funeral, and I didn’t know how I was going to deal with it now. But I had Ella with me. She provided me with strength and hope and incentive to face my demons head-on.

The ride to Lakeside Cemetery was mostly quiet. It was a comfortable silence as Ella held my hand and sang softly to the songs piping through my stereo system. It reminded me how much I looked forward to plugging in my earbuds and working in my garage later. Ella kept pushing me to fix Fire so we could take her for a ride.

My parents were out of town for the weekend and Ella pla

As I pulled in the driveway of the cemetery, I inhaled a deep breath. I knew the section and lot number, but it hadn’t occurred to me that the patches of grass would have filled in around his plot and the tree planted near it would’ve grown taller.

“Do you want me to wait in the car for a bit to give you time to yourself?” Ella asked. I wanted to say, No, please, I need you. But the fact of the matter was that I did need to do this by myself.

She traced her thumb across the inside of my wrist, over the tattoo I’d gotten from Be

This was getting easier. Better. I was finally able to breathe more freely.

I nodded. “Give me a ten-minute head start.”

As soon as I saw his name imprinted in the stone along with his birth and death dates, my legs practically gave way. It all came rushing back to me, and I heard a roaring in my eardrums that ended up being my own heartbeat.

I remembered how they’d lowered his casket into the ground to be sealed for eternity and how the very idea of that had been staggering. Now I sank to the ground and allowed all of the memories to flood my brain.

How none of my classmates seemed to be able to make eye contact with me that day. Maybe they sympathized or even pitied me. And they should have, because I was pretty damned pitiful. I was lost and broken and hadn’t even known how I’d get through the rest of the day.

The rest of any day going forward.

“Bastian, I loved you like a brother,” I told him. “I’m so sorry. So damn sorry that you’re not here anymore. And for as long as I live I will never forget you—you’ll always be with me.”