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He wanted to let her. God, he wanted everything she had described and more. He wanted to give her things she’d never even thought to ask for.
And for a split second, with her looking at him the way she was, he believed he could have it all with her.
“Do you want that life with me?” she asked, her voice trembling slightly.
Two answers bubbled up into his throat simultaneously—the sincere one and the safe one—and Da
Leah’s gentle eyes implored him for a response, but he couldn’t open his mouth, too afraid that the wrong answer would escape.
Instead, he nodded.
The tension in her shoulders melted instantly as her eyes pooled with tears.
“But Leah,” he said quickly, “I can’t make you promises like that. I don’t know who’s go
Da
And all at once, he lost the will to inhibit them anymore.
“This place, Leah,” he said, shaking his head. “I feel myself bending to it. Every day, I bend a little more. I’m doing my best. I’m learning how to manage my thoughts, and I’m trying so hard to keep myself…me.” He looked up at her. “But some days, no matter what I do…it’s just not enough. And I just don’t know how many times I can bend before I break.”
“But it’s okay if you bend,” she said earnestly. “It’s okay if you break. I’m not going anywhere.”
“I don’t want that,” he said with a firm shake of his head.
“Don’t want what?”
“I don’t want you to see it. Or to wait for me only to learn at the end of all this that I’ve become someone you can’t see yourself with anymore. It’s so much harder than I thought to be away from you all. And sometimes I just…I go to a dark place, and I’m not even me anymore. I don’t want you to have to deal with it. I’m not going to ask you to wait this out when I can’t guarantee you’ll be happy when it’s over. This is an ugly clusterfuck of a ride, Leah. And I don’t want you to be a passenger.”
Da
“Why did you sit in the room with Bryan when he died?”
Da
“Why did you go in when they turned everything off and let him go?” she asked. “Better yet, why did you go visit him, day after day, with all of those horrible tubes and machines attached to his body? When all the doctors said there was no hope. That he couldn’t even hear you. Why did you do it?”
A heaviness settled in his stomach, quickly transitioning into a wrenching pain.
“Because he…because I…” Da
“I know exactly why,” she said gently, reaching over and pulling one of his hands away from his face. He dropped the other to the table as she intertwined their fingers, ru
She gave his hand a tiny squeeze. “Because when you love someone, you don’t bail when it gets hard. That’s when you stay the most.”
It felt like his throat was closing.
“And it’s not always easy,” she said, ru
She released his hand to swipe at the tears on her cheeks. “So that’s me, being honest with you,” she said with a sniffle. “There’s no doubt we’re both going to suffer through this. I’ve always known that. Some days will be bearable and some will be completely miserable. But I’ve made my decision. I know what I’m up against, and I know what I want. I want you. And I want us. I want our life together.”
It felt like his heart might come out of his chest; like a strange current was ru
“My father once told me that if something seems too hard, before you give up, you should always ask yourself if the reward will be worth the suffering.” She took a deep breath. “So I guess what it comes down to…what I need to know…is whether or not I’m worth the suffering to you.”
Da
The magnificence and purity of her love for him—the all-consuming force of it—could break him and heal him simultaneously. It could destroy him and piece him back together, better than he was before.
And it could restore his faith faster than this place could take it.
Da
The guys who don’t have it—or the ones who are foolish enough to let go—those are the guys that go under.
He thought he could save her by letting her go, but he’d had it all backward.
She wasn’t the one who needed saving this time.
“Leah,” he said, his voice rough with emotion. “I could suffer through anything if you were my reward.”
A smile curved her lips before she cupped her hand over her mouth and burst into tears.
Da
“My sweet girl,” he whispered.
Her sob was muffled against the side of his neck, and he reached up and ran his hand over the back of her hair, glancing over at the guard standing by the door. He was watching them before his eyes found Da
For a moment, they just looked at each other.
And then the guard gave him a knowing look, followed by a quick nod. He shifted his body, focusing his attention on the other side of the room.
So Da
The most enriching and restorative seconds of his entire life.
“Thank you,” Leah said as she reached for the glass of Pinot Grigio the waiter handed her, immediately bringing it to her lips.
“Another for you, miss?” he asked, looking at Alexis.
She eyed Leah before she smiled up at him sweetly. “No, thank you, I’m fine.”
“Okay then. Your food will be right out,” he said before he turned and left the table.